Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Coffee Table

As I've mentioned here before, I don't frequent the Free Stuff section just to find mockables, I actually arrive with optimism, a belief that I may find something good, something desirable, something unwanted by others that I might happily rehome. The Free Stuff section tells me anything is possible, and good things happen to so-so people.

Then along comes something like this. Something that gets me as near to abandoning hope as a cheerful fellow like myself can reach. A malevolent cross between a patent leather shoe, a bottlecap, and a small boat, passing itself off as a coffee table. I will not sleep well tonight.

I try to put myself in the shoes of the person who bought this new, for probably hundreds of dollars, and I know the gulf between one man and another can be so wide and so deep that nothing can cross it. I know that there will always be war, there will always be hatred, there will always be violence, and that love is an exception, not the rule. I know that the person walking towards me on the other side of the street may have bodies buried in his backyard, and may have enjoyed putting them there. I know that evil exists, if not the Devil himself.

This table demonstrates that humans are capable of every loathsome depravity they have ever been accused of. This table proves that the Administration knew that Iraq had no WMDs. It strongly suggests that Marilyn Monroe did not commit suicide, but was murdered. Sadly, it makes possible the Libyan accusations that Bulgarian nurses intentionally spread HIV to children in their care.

I was a hopeful man. I was a loving man. Then this godforsaken coffee table came around.

Did I mention the matching end table?


Anonymous said...

I had a table like that once, a biomorphic orcan nonstick conversation piece. People would come over on hot days just to lean their elbows on its surface until they were stuck to it by their sweat. It looks good with a glass of orange juice on it or orange juice looks good against it, a lesson in contrasts. My girlfriend actually called it Killer Whale but we're not together anymore and that's part of the reason why.

alchemisty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
alchemisty said...

I love this post so much that I have to read it twice every day. I made Gus read it, and then he scared me by saying he kind of liked the coffee table. Sometimes it's hard to tell when he is joking. I fear he wasn't joking. But also I think he maybe didn't have his glasses on.

Anonymous said...

Remember that oil-slick monster in Star Trek TNG that killed Tasha? This coffee table is made from its pelt. It's in Captain Picard's ready room.