Thursday, July 31, 2008



Like any object, this was made for at least one purpose, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it would be, let alone what multipurposes it could serve. There just aren't that many people playing in one-man bands, or trying to spread the Gospel from three feet up - portably, or hoping to rally the troops in their own private wars, or . . . oh, ok, I guess there are multipurposes.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Free metal

Free metal? ALRIGHT! Just let me put on some corpsepaint and grab my Viking helmet and I’ll be right—

…on the sidewalk in front of 6664 lombard dr.

On the sidewalk, huh? Okay. I kinda like it, actually. Street mob–style. Afterward we can all go torch a church together, since we’re already outside.

first come first serve

So does that mean it’s like festival seating or what? I guess that’s cool. As long as I can get close enough to get sprayed with stage blood.

Wait, what is that? There’s a barbecue and some pipes where my free metal is supposed to go down. Someone needs to get that crap out of the way, or there won’t be any room for the decorative battle axes and severed pig heads. Seriously. Move your junk. I want my free metal.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Patio fire pit

"The screen does not come all the way down to the bottom and we found it was too dangerous for our hilly, windy patio."

I imagine this continuing: "We understand, however, that there are those who value their lives, their property, and the well-being of their neighbors less than we do. For you, this forest-fire-waiting-to-happen may be perfect."

I'm pretty sure this is the first Free Stuff posting I've seen with the words "too dangerous" spelled out in it. Usually I have to find them subtextually. Kudos for the forthrightness, fire pit poster.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Free Dove

"i have a dove i have no time for anymore...too much school lol..
but yeah its free if u want him"

What's so "lol" about giving up a pet? Shouldn't that be "loc," with the "c" for "crying"? Anyhoo, I'm trying to imagine what kind of time one has to put into a pet dove.

daily dove journal, july 21 (our poster seems to be missing a shift key, so I have kept this cap-less for realism's sake).

6 a.m. - got up and fed dove. made sure he ate all the seeds. [finished at 6:20 a.m.]

6:40 a.m. - took dove for walk. always hard to get leash and collar on, that was five minutes itself. went to dove park. there were a lot of dogs there. i don't know why people bring dogs to a dove park.

8 a.m. - training session in front yard. i don't know why dovey refuses to sit. i keep trying, but still he (i think it's a he) won't sit. frustrating. at about 8:30, neighbor came by and said "i've seen you try to train that dove to sit for about 4 months now. it's not going to work. birds don't do dog commands. maybe you can teach it to talk." i said "shut up" and started to work on roll over. but he got me thinking.

11 a.m. tired from training session. asked mom for money for a burger. went to jack in the box. left dove tied to bicycle rack outside. people looked at me strange.

1 p.m. - maybe the neighbor was right, maybe dogs and doves need to be treated differently. but it's hard enough to teach them to sit. talk? i don't know if i have the time, what with school and all. worked more on roll over, then tried teaching him to say "go to hell." that would totally freak mom out. he just kept cooing.

3 p.m. - with bird in community college computer lab. dovey, it's hard enough getting an associate's degree in hospitality science without devoting so much time to you. i need a change. post to give away bird on cl free stuff section. lol.

[awaits call]

No Delivery!

A topical VM post today, inspired by a post for a loveseat that ended with "You are responsible for securing transportation."

This comes up a lot in Free Stuff postings -

"Must pick up"

"Will not deliver"

"I CANNOT deliver"

"No delivery"

It seems like a patently unnecessary set of keystrokes to me. I mean, is the following dialogue really going to take place?

"Hi, I'm interested in your loveseat. When can you bring it over?"

"Bring it over? No, no, you have to pick it up. It's free, after all."

"But you didn't say 'no delivery,' so I presumed you'd deliver. You did say it's free, and if I have to pick it up, well, that's a kind of cost to me isn't it?"

"Well, maybe technically, but look, again, it's free, so you can have it, but I'm not going to deliver it. A store might not charge for delivery, but they'd figure it into the price. When can you pick it up?"

"But this is free. I shouldn't have to pick it up. I feel lied to. People are so disappointing."

I mean, that's pretty much inconceivable, right? Of course you have to pick up the free thing you want. If someone asks you to deliver a free thing, s/he's clearly a nutjob. Should posts be written presuming the nutjobbery of the reader? Eh, maybe.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Three Desks, Blonde Office Secretary

"Three free desks - blonde secretary style. Bring your pick-up."

Oh. Oh I see. The desks are blonde. I thought you meant that, um… You know what? Just forget it. It’s… not really important.

Nice desks.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Old Dresser

"Come and get it. 1 flight of stairs. I can help you load it."

Oh, I think I can load it fine myself. What I need help with is understanding it.

Was there a larger dresser next to it with the rest of the arm? Why are the fingers of the glove webbed? Does the apple in the corner have something to do with gravity? And what the hell is that in the upper right? Some sort of crazed Rat Fink-style laughing skull wearing a beret? Or an anemone? Was this painted by a child, or to frighten a child? Is a dresser really free if it causes me to incur therapist bills?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

About 7 Luggage

Is this a brand or a style? "About 7"? No:

"Need repair and little bit work on them take all 7 or 8 luggage bags"

Now, I could see if there were a truckload, and the poster said "truckload." Or made some sort of estimate like "900-1000." But if you can't be bothered to count all the way to 8, I don't know why you bothered counting at all. "Some luggage. U haul. All or none."

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Spaghetti Dinners

Don’t get me wrong. I celebrate the impulse to charity. Anyone who wants to help others should be commended. Hooray for doing good. But sometimes, that apparent urge seems to go hand in hand with some deeply crazy, complete-failure-to-understand-how-the-world-works propositions. I bring you:

Free 2 Spaghetti Dinners

If you are hungry and need food, I have 2 hot Spaghetti Dinner with meat sauce for you. You must live around the south bay area.

Oookay, I guess. That seems like a pretty micro-charitable act. But hey, micro-lending is all the rage these days, so maybe micro-soup-kitchening is at the forefront of good-doing.

Just tell me why you are hungry and the hot food will be delivered to your door steps with 45 minutes or less.

Oh, shit, another essay contest. Why does everyone need an iron-clad justification? Does the government issue poverty certificates? They should. They should have strict qualifications and be difficult to obtain. Like medical marijuana doctor's notes.

“Look, I just smoked a bowl, I’ve got the munchies, chips aren’t getting the job done, I saw your post, and now nothing but spaghetti will do it. Ditto for my bud Kumar. Please bring us spaghetti. Now.”

Then there’s this whole delivery thing.This guy is so charity-crazed that he will bring the food to you. Anywhere “[a]round the south bay area.” If you’re unfamiliar, that’s a lot of square miles. That’s why he gives himself 45 minutes. If someone craves driving for that long to give me, a stranger, some spaghetti, I’m pretty sure I don’t want him knowing my address. I suspect unsolicited donation-deliveries and "checking in" might follow.

Who am I, I am chef

This has a lovely, poetic cadence, by the way.

who does not like seeing people go hungry. I can not help everybody, but I do what I can. I just got home from work and church,

From work. And church. With free food to give away. Church on a Tuesday? You hear god’s voice regularly don’t you? You have pamphlets to give me with the food, and a few inspirational words, right? I’m getting less and less hungry.

the time is 10:50 pm

Or “dinner time,” as we stoners like to say. Let’s round off – it’s 11. Are there really people who have been watching the CL Free Stuff section all evening waiting for their dinner to be offered?

6 p.m.: “nothing yet, I’m hungry.”

8 p.m.: “still nothing, dammit, I’m hungry.”

9 p.m.: “really, really hungry. Why won’t CL feed me?”

10 p.m.: “I’m going to bed. Hungry. Again. Damn you, CL!”

10:50 p.m.: guy posts free spaghetti dinners.

In any event, I might be able to handle the awkward social interaction of accepting a food donation from a jesus-crazed stranger while the sun is still out, but by 11, when the dark is well-established, I just don't want to have to invite you in, tell you my tale of woe, and thank you effusively for the noodles you are so generously providing. I may be hungry, but I also have a healthy sense of the ways of social interaction. And this just isn't going to be worth the trouble.

I will send you my cell number once you answered this ad. If you can still read this ad, then I still have the dinners.

I read this post at 8:45 a.m. Time to edit post – Free 2 Spaghetti Breakfasts

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Two chairs

VM Anthropomorphized Chairs V

I see this picture, and find Sly Stone's "Family Affair" running through my head, but with the lyrics slightly changed - "it's a family of chaa-airs/it's a family of chaa-airs."

There's Grampa to the right, world-weary, happy to be in the shade, watching the young bucks work the grill. Little Jesse, his grandchildchair, tries to get him to play - "let's throw the horshoo, Grampa! Let's throw the horshoo!"

"Go ask your dad, little Jesse, Grampa's tired."

"Grampa, you're always tired! I'm gonna go hide, you have to find me!"

"Yeah, ok, you go hide now."

Danny Chair (offscreen, son of Grampa, father of Jesse) "Dad, come on, you need to play with him, he won't be young forever."

"Yeah, and I won't be alive forever, so I want to spend as much time as I can sitting here in the shade. He'll be fine."

Danny and the rest of the Chair family chuckle, and return to their grill conversations.


"I have a free sofa in fort bragg it is a hide a bed"

We here at Vintage Microwave have shown you many an ugly couch. We can think of little to say about ugliness anymore. There are limits to the entertainment value of hyperbole. In any event, in the world of ugly sofas, this isn't particularly remarkable. Just another run-of-the-mill, worn-out, somewhat-depressing couch.

What makes this post worth note is its location. This was posted in the "S.F. Bay Area" portion of Craigslist. Fort Bragg, California, is 171 miles away from San Francisco. Three hours or so, depending on how slow you drive. So to own this lovely piece of furniture, you would have to devote a day, and ten or more gallons of gas (probably at $5 a gallon by the time you get around to finding the free day to get up to Mendocino County). You might even want to spend the night up there - three-plus is a lot of hours to drive in a day, turning right around for another three-plus hour drive would kind of suck. Oh, and you need to rent a van, right? Given the dramatic commitment of time and money it will take to acquire this sofa, is it really "free"? Look again at the picture, then go find a couch down the street that's being given away.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Glass Elephants

"2 little glass elephants"

A Vintage Microwave madlib.

"I have [verb] these elephants for [number] [unit of time]. They have brought me [qualifier] [emotion] for most of that time. Unfortunately, I have suddenly [verb] that I [phrase relating to desire (length of your choosing)]. This was [adjective]. There is only so long, after all, that one can [adverb] [verb] a pair of glass elephants."


"4 harness/jack type, no bench, shuttle and weaving textbook included"

Teach those Slow Food types a thing or two about "keeping it real." "Small scale, local, traditional cooking techniques? Good for you. I not only make my own clothes, I make my own fabric. I shear local outdoor cats for the raw material."

In the alternative, if you find your new Slow Clothing project a little too time-consuming, you could always try starting a small scale, local, traditional sweatshop.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Wizard puzzle

This is just one of the FOUR pictures posted to help move this assembled jigsaw puzzle. The poster included detail photos, to let you see the many ways in which the puzzle is awesometastic (and to support the rich descriptions he provides in the body of his post, see below).

I want to strongly suggest, nay, implore, that none of you take the puzzle. It is clear from the text that the poster will sob inconsolably as you drive away with the puzzle. S/he (I'm guessing "he") will never be the same after the separation. Sounds like hyperbole? Read . . . the . . . text:

I've been trying to sell the below on Craigslist in the for Sale section for $10. No-one has purchased my fun wizard puzzle so I guess it's time to make it free.
I've put this puzzle together at least 15+ years ago.
It is signed on the bottom Denis Beavais & says copyrite 1985.
It is around 23 1/2" X 29 1/2".
The outside pieces measures 29 pieces horizontal times 35 pieces vertical.
It is mounted on a piece of thin wood.
The puzzle is called SpellBound. Also has dragon mist, wizard of oz book, skull, crystal ball, black cat, the wizards hat has a green third eye,(cool) old coca cola bottle and many other fun things you can find in this puzzle ART. The wizard is reading his story and the art shows a dragon mist capturing a woman mist with a knight and shining armor mist coming to the rescue. It also has cobwebs, potions, +++++ I just think it's a great mood.
Great for someone who is into wizards.
When I display it in a collectible show people say hey look that looks like Merlin.
You can put hardware in the back & hang on the wall in your kids play room toy room, or put in your dorm room if you're the ultimate wizard fan or put on an easle in a magic store, or custom frame it, whatever you'd like to do with it.
I could not let go of this piece, but I see it is not moving, so looking for someone who would like it.
Located in Hicksville. Nassau County. Long Island.
Please email me what day & time you would like to pick it up.
AVAILABLE if you see it here.

This is all very speaks-for-itself, but I do want to remind you: it would be "great for someone who is into wizards."

God, this is sadder everytime I read it. I recommend one view only - enjoy the absurdity, don't wait around for the pathos to kick in.

Free hyperthyroid cat meds

"I have 77 methimazole chewtabs, 2.5 mg, tuna flavor, to donate to a worthy individual or organization. Please state your case."

State my case? OK, here goes - my cat has hyperthyroidism and the vet has prescribed methimazole, 2.5 mg.

What exactly else should I say?

Are you expecting thirty responses from people whose cats have hyperthyroidism and whose vets have prescribed methimazole, 2.5 mg., and you need to be able to justify choosing one of them over another?

"My cat has hyperthyroidism and the vet has prescribed methimazole, 2.5 mg. Oh, and my family came over on the Mayflower."

"My cat has hyperthyroidism and the vet has prescribed methimazole, 2.5 mg. Let me further say that I was pro-Obama before Obama was cool."

"My cat has hyperthyroidism and the vet has prescribed methimazole, 2.5 mg. When I pick up your free chewtabs, I will bring along my Congressional Medal of Honor for you to gaze upon. No touching."

"Hi, this is Batman. My cat has hyperthyroidism and the vet has prescribed methimazole, 2.5 mg."