Monday, February 27, 2012

Tiger Art

Would you be surprised if I told you that you can go to any major city on craigslist, enter "tiger" in the "arts + crafts" search box, and see at least one work of "art" featuring a tiger? It surprised me.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Back Yard Toys

A set of toys from the Mattel "Unsettleables!" line. Recommended uses:

Place blue rocking toy in front yard. Have 40-something man sit in it, rocking back and forth, mumbling to himself, looking down.

Take small bicycle toy, and place on sidewalk near entrance to local bar.

Wedge pink pushcar within your car's bumper. Drive slowly through neighborhood, gently swerving.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

FREE Toilet in Rose Garden

The poor man's Partridge in Pear Tree.

Friday, February 24, 2012

fabric covered anti-gravity chairs

You know, just because they have stars on them doesn't mean they're in the sky.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Mountain Astrologer back issues

"10 years of Mountain Astrologer magazines looking for a good home."

Dear Mountain Astrologer Magazine,

Please cancel my subscription, effective immediately. Over the past few months, since the editorial putsch in October when Glen Starman installed his cadre of Sierra Nevada insiders at the helm, the quality of the magazine’s mountain astrology has bottomed out. I used to be able to count on Janet Orion’s predictions (nay, *assertions* - “prediction” suggests the possibility of error) to tell me whether I needed to prepare for a three-bear attack on my trash, expect a road-closing snowfall, or if, although my prospects look good for the moment, I need to be careful about putting all my eggs in one basket.

With the new editors, I have no idea if love is right around the corner, or if I should expect the ptarmigans to wake me every morning next month. Instead, it’s all “things are developing that will bring about a change in residence or lifestyle. But don't worry, it will be an improvement” or “draw on experience to advise someone who isn't thinking clearly today.” Well, let me tell you something, I call BS. My residence and lifestyle haven’t changed in 52 years, and I don’t plan on joining Greg Masterson in his cave and single-wide anytime soon, no matter how often he asks. And I don’t have plans to see anyone to even be *able* to offer advice for about a month and a half. Today? Who are you kidding? Well not me.

I don't know where I'll get my news of the future from now on, but it won't be from you. Take your predictions and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine – maybe Greg Masterson’s cave?

I'll bet you didn't even see this coming,

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


"There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die."

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


These show up a lot in the free and pet sections, and are always accompanied by ad text reading "getting too big for my tank." I like to think, however, that these algae suckers eventually reach a size where their owners can see them rolling their eyes at yet another season of "The Bachelor" showing up on the TV in the living room. Don't judge me, plecostomus!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Half a chocolate cake.

"Pick it up in the next hour. Dinner party. We couldn't finish the dessert. It's really good! Come by and get it now!"

And with that, the trap was set.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Wind Sock

'44" long wind sock. attach to a vertical pole and it will spin in the wind.'

The Social Contract, at its most basic, reads like this: "you don't fuck with me; I don't fuck with you." Capisce? This simple, originalist interpretation has long led me to the conclusion that wind chimes are an affront to mankind's attempts to create workable organization. The norms, needs, and niceties of community require that we don't willfully annoy others without some good goddamned reason. Wind chimes, however, say, "I have no qualms about imposing my need for constant noise upon you, without your consent." They suggest, "My 'New Age' spirituality is primarily a form of aggression." They declare, "I am a sociopath."

The wind sock is but the wind chime of the eye.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Oak Media Center

Sweet! Room for my 30" x 30" x 30" low-def 1997 Hitachi TV, and it's hide-able behind attractive woodgrain doors! You know, sometimes I don't want it to look like TV is the center of my universe, so I need to discreetly disguise my addiction as a giant wooden box that could have *anything* in it. Who knows what I'm storing there? Not you, girl I just brought home after meeting in the aisles at Best Buy! Not you!

I also like all the DVD storage. Why? Well, my TV may be a little out-of-date, but DVD's are the way of the future! I look forward to years of adding to my DVD collection, with pristine visuals, and none of that VHS-tape-losing-contact-with-the-tape-heads-blue-screen bullshit I've put up with for so long. They're the perfect media. Have you ever had trouble with a DVD? Shut up, you're lying. Man, it's fantastic here in the future, and this media center, my new technological home base, is going to serve me well for years.

Sure, I've heard about wi-fi, streaming enabled, box-and-storage-media-free, 70" LCD screens that stick two inches out from the wall, and that seems fine:

. . . but where's the oak? That's something you just can't replace.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Recliner Chair

Look, I know what you're thinking. You're looking at the seat of the chair and thinking, "holy hell, someone not only died in that chair, they decomposed in it for weeks!" You are mistaken. The chair's former resident died in the hospital. He merely soiled himself repeatedly for years in the chair. Stop being so dramatic and take it.

Monday, February 6, 2012

"Reclines, Swivels"

But that's just the beginning. It also "causes itching," "makes eyes water," and "ruins rooms."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Work Bench

Does your work involve stitching together crude pigeon-dog hybrids? Insect racing? Mold husbandry?

I suppose a corollary to "to each his own" is, "to someone, this work bench."

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Ramp - Skateboard or Wheelchair

Fun! I mean, necessary for making my way out of my home, which would otherwise be my prison. Rad! Or utilitarian. Frontside grind! Maybe just a cautious roll down to the sidewalk. Axle stall! Again, I think more of a cautious roll is in order.

But you know what? Ultimately, we don't have to decide. Here's the ramp:

I guess this could be a skateboard ramp, for someone in a wheelchair, with the skateboard in their lap.