Chair

This is one of those free postings that make me appreciate the place of the philosopher in modern society. I'm pretty sure a dissertation - a master's thesis at the very least - could be written on whether and under what conditions this item can be called a chair. Maybe something like, with hat tip to Zizek, "this Deleuzian chair is, of course, not simply outside non-chairness; rather, in the 'stratigraphic' superimposition, in this moment of chairfulness, it is CHAIR ITSELF which we experience, but in contrast, chair as opposed to the evolutionary flow of things WITHIN the chair domain." I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's something like "there's no effing way this counts as a chair."

Dresser

Look, it's OK. We get it. You got very angry at your dresser, you beat the hell out of it, and now none of the pieces fit together. It's tilted to the side, and the drawers are useless. You're sorry; you wish you hadn't, and that's all well and good, but look - you have to deal with the aftermath yourself. Don't try to enlist the help of strangers to get you out of this mess. You got yourself into it, you get yourself out. Go get an axe. Or maybe some lighter fluid.

Half a Surfboard

The other half has been re-purposed as the tombstone for the dead surfer who last used it.

Perhaps you know another recently passed surfer you could honor with this half. Or maybe it would make a good prosthetic whale tongue?

Disney Cars TV

I wouldn't want this thing smiling incessantly at me while I spent my Sunday afternoon on a "Deadwood" marathon, either.

Aeron Chair

"Herman Miller Aeron chair. The hydraulic system that controls seat height is broken; so the chair sinks when you sit in it. The left armrest is also missing. Other than that, it's like any other Aeron chair."

I hate to be self-referential, but this reminds me of this BMW. You know, other than being completely devastated in every pertinent way, it was like any other BMW.

Trampoline

Not the first trampoline we've noted, but the first featuring exciting new DeathSlot* technology.



*a registered trademark of ExtremePoline, Inc.

Very Old Backyard Chairs

"No good for sitting, may be good for background, props for picture or movie set."




Chairs. "No good for sitting." These chairs are adrift, lost, unable to satisfy the most basic element of chair-ness. Chairs like this don't last long. Once they lose sit-ability, they lose interest in life, and die soon thereafter.

Please give these chairs something to do so they can hold on a little longer. Something to give their days meaning. Something like . . . put them in a movie. That sounds good. You do have a movie in production don't you?

Skateboard Ramp

For the parent who wants his child dead, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger: an indirect filicidal device - the deeply damaged skateboard ramp.

"You go have fun, Jesse. Daddy picked you up a skateboard ramp."
"It looks a little old, Daddy."
"Every little boy wants a skateboard ramp, Jesse. Daddy got you one. Go play."
"It's cracked and broken and has holes in it, Daddy."
"Tony Hawk could handle it Jesse. You do want to be like Tony Hawk, don't you?"
"Yeees."
"Now take your skateboard and go play."
"Oookay. Where's my helmet?"
"Helmets are for girls, Jesse. You're not a girl, are you?"
"Noooo."
"Oh, and be sure to give your brother a turn."

Palm Water Fountain

Free to a good home: a beautiful cast concrete water fountain, perhaps four-feet tall, in the shape of a palm tree.

By "beautiful," he means remarkably, magically ugly. He's strange that way.

The fountain includes a well-worn fibreglass base that may have a small leak or two. It may include -- entirely at the whim and/or discretion of the current owner -- a small electric pump that powered the fountain.

"Fibreglass" - our poster must be English. That may also explain the whimsical desire to keep his intentions regarding the disposition of the pump to himself. The English are funny that way. They are also whimsically unwilling to let you know if it does have a leak. It just may.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING ITEMS CAREFULLY:

NOTE 1: The top "palm" portion of the fountain is large, extremely heavy, and may be awkward and difficult to lift and carry. It will require at least two strong persons, if not three, to lift and carry. Neither the homeowners nor their two sons will assist you in lifting, carrying and/or transporting the fountain in any way.

This loathsome fountain has already caused enough suffering in the poster's family. They won't let it add back strain to the litany of miseries it has already imposed upon them. In fact, they're giving it away in an effort to convince the eldest son to stay home. He has threatened to join the Army if the fountain is not disposed of, immediately.

NOTE 2: You are responsible for removing the fountain and its component parts from the property. The homeowner will not assist you in any way whatsoever. If you so much as ask "Hey, could you help lift that..." you will be immediately and forceably removed from the property.

I know, I repeat myself in these blog entries, but the demanding assholery of some posters is just astonishing to me. Removing this thing - which no one will agree to do, mark my words - would be a favor on the level of donating a kidney. Actually, we have two of those - this would be like donating a heart. If someone agrees to take this "fountain," you should offer pay, not a threat.

NOTE 3: Do not even think about asking for help in removing the fountain from the property. You are getting a beautiful fountain at no charge. Supply your own muscle or don't bother answering this post.

You just said that, jackass. And crack open your dictionary to make sure you understand what "beautiful" means.

Ceiling Fan

This raises a philosophical question. If a ceiling fan has no fan blades, is it a ceiling fan? It also raises a practical question. You expect me to fashion my own fan blades? Finally, it raises an aesthetic question. Without the fan blades, doesn't this look like something mounted to the Nautilus to assist Captain Nemo in his battle with the giant squid?

Yellow Chair

Hooray!! We've found it! Our mascot! If this doesn't represent everything "Free May Not Be Cheap Enough" stands for, I don't know what does.* We're going to send him (I'm pretty sure it's a him) to school and start shipping him off to events nationwide. "Goooooo Vintage Microwave!"






*Yes, we know a microwave would seem to be a more apt mascot, but the microwaves, unsettling as they may be, never look quite this bad.

Pool Table

"Its warped and the felt is coming off."

Ever played pool? Billiards? Snooker? There's not much the table has to do. It's inert. It is simply a place where other things occur. Like a doctor, however, the pool table must heed the Hippocratic Oath - "first, do no harm." A warped pool table violates this oath. It interferes with the game - it becomes a silent opponent. It becomes . . . utterly unusable. But maybe you have a spare space of X cubic feet you want to fill. God knows this is a good use of it. You can be an amateur landfill operator, and this can be your first trashquisition!

Gas Stove

"It was in my sister's house and she says it leaks gas so she purchased a new one. Also, she tried to repaint the top a while back and painted over the temperature numbers."

So it's utterly useless, but extraordinarily dangerous? Bifecta! I'm on hold with U-haul right now, I hope they have a truck available . . .

Large Trampoline

"Ten-year-old trampoline that needs some springs. It also has some holes in it."

Ah yes. This is a classic technique. Throwing in "has some holes" — the unfortunate feature that makes this trampoline go from borderline useless to outright dangerous — as an "also," breezily tacked on after the part about some missing springs. "Oh, by the way, it's booby-trapped, but only with a bag of piranha teeth and a few pounds of plastic explosives."

VCR

"Eats tapes. Other uses?"






Well, sure, there are plenty of other uses for a VCR that can't be used the way god intended! Here are a few.

(1) Place on top of garbage can to keep lid from falling off.
(2) Place at corner of beach blanket to keep from flying away.
(3) Place at bottom of door to keep from opening.
(4) Place below car's wheel to keep from rolling away.

That's right, why use a rock, when you can use this VCR? It's just as gray and heavy, and every bit as effective. For all your would-be rock uses, try this instead. You can't spell "very convenient rock substitute" without VCR.

Wolf Range

"The photo is not in its current element. It is behind the restaurant in the rain right now . . . Worked like a charm before we moved it outside and realized it had so much wear and tear . . . It has a ton of caked up grease on it (from a chinese restaurant that used it for +/- 10-15 years). It has rusty parts which are corroding and very thin walls where insulation is coming through . . . people have been picking pieces and parts from it."

It really reduces the load here when a prior post can simply be reused.

basket ball pole and hoop

"free basket ball pole, net, and everything that comes with it."

Can I pass on that last part? Because it appears that what comes with this basketball hoop is sadness, torpor, and a low sense of self-worth. I've got most of those already.

Snowmobile

"72 Arctic Cat. Does not run. No paperwork."


It is a banner week for the useless and burdensome.


Perhaps this is region-specific, but in case you don't know, it never snows in the San Francisco Bay Area. Well, OK, once every 100 years we get a dusting, but really, it never snows. So to be interested in a snowmobile, you have to really be committed to the craft of snowmobiling. You need a trailer and probably a truck, and you need to drive for a few hours to find some sort of snowmobile ranch, where you and your fellow aficionados can discuss the finer points of snowmobiling over hot chocolate when you're not out doing the thing itself, the snowmobiling you love so very much. Presumably, if you're that guy, the one who thinks snowmobile when you think recreation, the one with a poster of snowmachiner extraordinaire Todd Palin out in the garage, you're going to want a more recent snowmobile, one less than 36 years old. You may also be interested in having one that, say, works. I think you should let this one go.

This is equivalent to offering a free, inoperative boat to someone in the desert. Or a free, brokedown car to someone in a dense, impassable jungle.

Lawnmower

"Condition viewable in pic. No not stolen, No I don't know ANYTHING about it. Working on it/exploring the insides in my yard is not okay. Get it and go. I don't have time to babysit ra[n]dom people in my yard"

While we see a fair amount of attitude in Free Stuff posts ("it's free, what do you want?"), I like a post that not only wants you to perform the enormous favor of removing trash from someone's home (this lawnmower is trash by any definition), but feels comfortable saying "fuck you!" while asking.

Moped

"About a year ago, we had a fire in our parking area and my moped was burned pretty badly. The fire caused everything non-metal to burn off, the gearbox cover to partially melt, and the rest of the metal to become rusty."


Read. Look at picture. Read again. Look at picture again. Consider everything you know about mechanics, the properties of metal, the nature of rust. Look at picture again. Reflect on how many hours there are in a day, and how many you have free to devote to your moped repair hobby. Assess what you might do with the melted, rusting carcass of a former moped. Conclude that of all the things on the free stuff section, this is the one you want least.