Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Spaghetti Dinners

Don’t get me wrong. I celebrate the impulse to charity. Anyone who wants to help others should be commended. Hooray for doing good. But sometimes, that apparent urge seems to go hand in hand with some deeply crazy, complete-failure-to-understand-how-the-world-works propositions. I bring you:

Free 2 Spaghetti Dinners

If you are hungry and need food, I have 2 hot Spaghetti Dinner with meat sauce for you. You must live around the south bay area.

Oookay, I guess. That seems like a pretty micro-charitable act. But hey, micro-lending is all the rage these days, so maybe micro-soup-kitchening is at the forefront of good-doing.

Just tell me why you are hungry and the hot food will be delivered to your door steps with 45 minutes or less.

Oh, shit, another essay contest. Why does everyone need an iron-clad justification? Does the government issue poverty certificates? They should. They should have strict qualifications and be difficult to obtain. Like medical marijuana doctor's notes.

“Look, I just smoked a bowl, I’ve got the munchies, chips aren’t getting the job done, I saw your post, and now nothing but spaghetti will do it. Ditto for my bud Kumar. Please bring us spaghetti. Now.”

Then there’s this whole delivery thing.This guy is so charity-crazed that he will bring the food to you. Anywhere “[a]round the south bay area.” If you’re unfamiliar, that’s a lot of square miles. That’s why he gives himself 45 minutes. If someone craves driving for that long to give me, a stranger, some spaghetti, I’m pretty sure I don’t want him knowing my address. I suspect unsolicited donation-deliveries and "checking in" might follow.

Who am I, I am chef

This has a lovely, poetic cadence, by the way.

who does not like seeing people go hungry. I can not help everybody, but I do what I can. I just got home from work and church,

From work. And church. With free food to give away. Church on a Tuesday? You hear god’s voice regularly don’t you? You have pamphlets to give me with the food, and a few inspirational words, right? I’m getting less and less hungry.

the time is 10:50 pm

Or “dinner time,” as we stoners like to say. Let’s round off – it’s 11. Are there really people who have been watching the CL Free Stuff section all evening waiting for their dinner to be offered?

6 p.m.: “nothing yet, I’m hungry.”

8 p.m.: “still nothing, dammit, I’m hungry.”

9 p.m.: “really, really hungry. Why won’t CL feed me?”

10 p.m.: “I’m going to bed. Hungry. Again. Damn you, CL!”

10:50 p.m.: guy posts free spaghetti dinners.

In any event, I might be able to handle the awkward social interaction of accepting a food donation from a jesus-crazed stranger while the sun is still out, but by 11, when the dark is well-established, I just don't want to have to invite you in, tell you my tale of woe, and thank you effusively for the noodles you are so generously providing. I may be hungry, but I also have a healthy sense of the ways of social interaction. And this just isn't going to be worth the trouble.

I will send you my cell number once you answered this ad. If you can still read this ad, then I still have the dinners.

I read this post at 8:45 a.m. Time to edit post – Free 2 Spaghetti Breakfasts

1 comment:

RGP said...

I am now chanting "nothing but spaghetti will do". Okay, not really, but when I picture it in my head I crack up.

Hilarious stuff here! I look forward to more!