"has a faux granite finish"
Perhaps you've read the Chronicles of Narnia, in which a gaggle of sweet children enter an old wardrobe and find themselves transported to a magical new world.
This side table is pretty much the same as that wardrobe, only getting to the other side lands you in the ad hoc dungeon (spare bedroom, really) of a 62-year-old dominatrix in Stockton.
Her whip-and-chain days are pretty much behind her. Currently, her sadism consists of boring you to near-death with stories about the early 1970's swinger scene in the Central Valley, and smothering you in second-hand smoke.
There's no door back, but you can probably get a cab to SF for about $200.
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