X-Ray Machine

"It is 20 years old but works just fine. I am moving offices and i need to get rid of it. If you want to use or scrap it please take it off my hands. "

Sorry for the off-axis photo, but I was falling down in astonishment when I posted this.

Really? Just anyone can have an X-Ray machine? I can just "take it off your hands"? There's no regulatory body designated to keep it from falling into the wrong hands? No licensing requirement? I can just turn it on, without training, sit there, and hope to become the Hulk? Oh, right, that was gamma rays. But there must be some sort of superhero/monster it could turn me (or some neighborhood cat) into. I hope the folks next door had the foresight to lead-line their walls. Otherwise, the man of the house may soon turn into Iodizing Radiation Victim Man.

Punk Rock Filing Cabinet

"Metal file cabinet with lots of punk rock band stickers"

Because there's nothing quite as punk as storing your important papers in an orderly fashion.

Shoot, Screw, or Marry: Ugly Poster Edition

Also know as “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” this classic time-passer involves deciding which of three options (usually people, but in our case, tchotchkes) to eliminate, which to shag, and which to wed in holy matrimony.

Today’s contenders!

1. Unicorn picture

“This can be categorized as a print of a unicorn or a war stallion. It is mounted and framed.”

Ah yes, the war stallion. Bravely fighting the never-ending battle against aesthetic pleasure and the ability of young children to sleep without nightmares.

2. Fuzzy poster

“About 16" x 20" Nice design. No marker set. Good condition. Ready for coloring.”

No markers? It’s not looking good for you, fuzzy poster.

3. 3D Jesus poster

“You have to relax and un-focus your eyes then the image will appear. This print is a religious scene; Christ on the cross, the tomb where he was buried, Bethlehem scene and a village scene.”

The makings of the Worst. Acid trip. Ever.

My picks? Shoot the fuzzy bullseye (easy); screw the unicorn, since it’s the most humanoid of the three (at least as far as I can tell without getting a raging headache); and marry 3D Jesus, because really, nothing would piss my dad off more than me getting hitched to a long-haired, Middle-Eastern hippie.

How about you?

Christmas Wreath

"We're Buddhist now. Don't need this one anymore."




So, Siddartha told you your front door looked better naked?

The need to justify unloading something is beyond me. Really, you don't have to renounce Christianity to get rid of this. It is one ugly fake holly beast. But at least the ribbon is depressing.

Happy holidays, folks.

Electric Kiln

"Needs some work"


You leave a kiln out there in the rain for a few years, and yeah, it may need some work. Of course, you could always forgo the work, and simply enjoy the inevitable electrocution. Which might be preferable to opening the electricity bill you'll receive after sparking this up. The dead leave no carbon footprint.

Microwave, Cabinet

Remember this scene from the Blair Witch Project, when the kid is standing in the corner, put there either by physical force or magical suggestion, presumably about to die in some spectacular way? Remember hoping that maybe you'd see the Witch, while knowing that they wouldn't show it because seeing it wasn't the point?

Well, all these years later, I have finally located a picture of the Blair Witch, imposing its supernatural will on yet another victim. Not quite as creepy-looking as I would have imagined:


I knew those old microwaves were dangerous . . .

Patriotic Beanie Babies

I know, you're expecting some sardonic, arch comments about the failure of 1990's consumerism, and its encapsulation in the mere idea of "patriotic Beanie Babies," but no, that's not our interest here. Instead, we're astonished and impressed by the procedural strictures this poster places on those who would acquire these "PBBs". The post consists, primarily, of the following:

"MUST include both name and number. Parking is unpredictable after 5pm. Please ONLY request items the night before or the morning of your planned pickup time. I cannot hold items. To be fair to those on my waiting list, if I don't hear from you within 2 hours of your scheduled pickup time, I will offer the item(s) to the next person on the list."

I can't help but feel that the White House Social Secretary would have trouble keeping track of the many protocols imposed by this poster. I'm reminded of the analytical sections of various standardized tests: "An accountancy firm has a staff of five, Messrs. Albert, Burns, Calogero, Defeo, and Evans. The national accounting society sponsors exactly five conferences, which the employees attend, subject to the following constraints: If Mr. Albert attends a conference, then Mr. Defeo does not attend it. If Mr. Burns attends a conference, then either Mr. Calogero or Mr. Defeo, but not both, attends it . . ."

If BeanieBabiesiana were my thing, I think I might prefer to resort to eBay and spending a few bucks, instead of reliving the LSAT trying to navigate this poster's rules.

Loveseat

Would that Yochabel had floated Moses down the Nile in this baby, rather than that glorified walnut shell. Not only would it have been more comfortable for the infant Deliverer, but also much harder for that bitch Memnet to hide in her robe for thirty-odd years than a scrap of Levite cloth.

China Cabinet

"no driveway, on hill, lot of stairs"

I'm starting to sense a move towards artisanal, pocket-sized reality shows. "Let's see if anyone can get this off our property. Get the Flip and start shooting. We'll put it on youtube and see if we get a development deal out of Bravo. If not, we can just watch it ourselves."

Snowmobile

"72 Arctic Cat. Does not run. No paperwork."


It is a banner week for the useless and burdensome.


Perhaps this is region-specific, but in case you don't know, it never snows in the San Francisco Bay Area. Well, OK, once every 100 years we get a dusting, but really, it never snows. So to be interested in a snowmobile, you have to really be committed to the craft of snowmobiling. You need a trailer and probably a truck, and you need to drive for a few hours to find some sort of snowmobile ranch, where you and your fellow aficionados can discuss the finer points of snowmobiling over hot chocolate when you're not out doing the thing itself, the snowmobiling you love so very much. Presumably, if you're that guy, the one who thinks snowmobile when you think recreation, the one with a poster of snowmachiner extraordinaire Todd Palin out in the garage, you're going to want a more recent snowmobile, one less than 36 years old. You may also be interested in having one that, say, works. I think you should let this one go.

This is equivalent to offering a free, inoperative boat to someone in the desert. Or a free, brokedown car to someone in a dense, impassable jungle.

Cracked Marble Table

"Cracked Marble Table is yours if you can take it away. It's a really heavy table, so you'll need a few friends and a big truck to move it. Weight is approximately 700 pounds."


I repeat. Cracked. 700 pounds. Apparently, I spoke too soon. 10 foot satellite dish, you have met your match.

Electric Hospital Bed

"Come on honey, let's play 'Infirmary' again. I've been waiting all week."



"Jeff, I lied when I said I was ok with this. And I'd like to be able to get to the bookshelf in the study."

"I think you mean, 'in the infirmary.'"

"OK, I'm going out for awhile. We can talk later."

10 Foot Satellite Dish

"It is on single story roof, you need to dismantle and remove. It was replaced by Direct TV."

I am tempted to write nothing here. I mean, it speaks for itself, right? What can I add to the sublime absurdity of trying to give away a 10 FOOT satellite dish in 2008? Perhaps it could be used as a roof for a shed; turned upside down to make a retro-futurist gazebo. Maybe Paul Bunyan needs a frisbee. If you want this, you might also be interested in:

"Enormous 1977 Magnavox Console TV. Long obsolete, will be unusable in February. You will need a truck and three people to move. It was replaced by a delightful 37" HD LCD. Make my problem yours."

I'm at a loss. I'm trying, but really can't blue-sky-imagine anything equally burdensome and useless. This is the unimpeachable apex of burdensome uselessness. I tip my hat.

Lamp Shade

"This lamp shade is in perfect condition."


Sure, if "mossy" is how you define "perfect." While I'm a fan of the novel and environmentally sound Living Roof, I'm not sure I want it in my living room.

Ch-ch-ch-Chia . . .

Chicken Coop House

Didn't we just pass Proposition Two here in California to outlaw this sort of thing?

If I'm eating the eggs, I want to know the accommodations were a little spiffier.

Opened White Wine

"We have 4 bottles of opened, mostly full wine leftover from Thanksgiving, pretty decent but we're not big wine people, and it seems like a waste to just pour them down the drain."


Another member of the Vintage Microwave Action Team had a simple, visceral response to this one - "what is wrong with people?"* Ultimately, that's what we're always asking here, isn't it?

The only people who would respond to this post are the ones you least want to give your address to.



*Later amended to: "let's go get that."

Iron Rite Mangle

"This is a ironing machine (Mangle) from the 1940s or 1950s it still works"



If you're like us (and we know you are), you find this intriguing. You don't have use for this enormous, obsolete laundry tool, but you think "mangle? Never heard of that. I wonder if the word 'mangle', as in 'to do some calamitous physical harm' originated with laundry workers using this thing and getting caught in the mechanism. That would be cool. Etymology works that way sometimes, right?"

Well, prepare to be disappointed. The Vintage Microwave Library is fortunate to contain a compact OED, and research has been done. The "mangle" we're all familiar with, the verb meaning "to leave you wishing you were dead," dates to at least the late 14th Century. The nominal form, for a "wringer," doesn't appear until the late 16th Century. More important, they seem to derive from different languages; no common root is shared. True homonymy.

Athletic Socks

Your soft focus and arty "they could be anemones" photographic approach notwithstanding, these are still used socks. No one with internet access wants used socks. There may be a village in Taliban-occupied Pakistan where they might come in handy, but shipping them to the trash can will be much cheaper.

Modular Trailer

Less a usable shed than an opportunity to really, REally, REALLY irritate your neighbors. "How do you like it, Fred? We needed a little storage space back here, and this really fit the bill. Your roses won't get the morning light anymore, but your tax bill will probably go down."

Dining Cabinet/Hutch

For your mead hall. Bring a goodly number of swain to assist in moving.

Kids Shoes

"Kids shoes (NOT pairs) for crafts. I have about 100 new children's shoes - not in pairs. Great for arts projects like decoration Xmas tree or a playground or for learning purposes."


-You know, for crafts. "Like decoration Xmas tree." I use shoes for all my ornaments. They help emphasize the poignant shoe-y-ness of Xmas. The baby Jesus could have worn these. Did they have laces 2k years ago? Stop asking questions, and gaze upon the manifold children's shoes of Xmas.

-Don't celebrate Xmas? You're one of them? No problem. These are also great for "a playground." Perhaps you can replace the sand in the sandbox with 100 children's shoes. The kids can make shoe castles. Watch out they don't get shoe in their eyes.

- Finally, if the injuries resulting from kids throwing shoes at each other limit the viability of the playground option, try "learning purposes." I have the teacher's manual right here: This is a shoe. This is two shoes. This is three shoes . . .

1940's Fridge

This really should have been listed a month ago. The poster might have had some success with the Halloween crowd: "Scary fridge - free! Store fake body parts and keep your 'bucket of blood' punch nice and cool!"

Unfortunately, now that Halloween is over, the only people who will respond are ones who want to store real body parts and blood. Fridge? Or "Saw" movie prop? Sometimes, when I look at the picture, I think I see the ghosts of children who suffocated in that thing.

Two Sofas For Free!!

"Both in good condition."

But please be warned that, like the colorful Siamese fighting fish, these sofas must be kept in separate quarters, lest they battle to the death.

Styrofoam packing peanuts

Thanks for the picture, dude. I wasn't sure what you meant.

Dental Patient Chair

So you mean, a chair that IS a dental patient? This one doesn't take much to anthropomorphize. "Dude, come on, give me a minute. I'm scared of drills, ok? Is that a crime? Let the damned gas hit me first, before you come at me with that shit. Alright, I'm counin bahward, 8, 5, 4, euhngnhh . . . "

ABOVE GROUND POOL W/LADDER (12 MILES EAST OF THE AIRPORT ON HWY 71)

"THE FIRST ONE TO COME FOR IT GETS IT. IT'S A 15 FT ROUND ABOVE GROUND POOL. IT COMES WITH LADDER, PUMP, & PLUGS--EVERYTHING YOU NEED. IT HAS BEEN UNDER OUR MOBILE HOME FOR 2 YEARS AND WILL NEED A GOOD SCRUBBING BEFORE USE."


Nice try, above-ground pool poster. You can create all the diversions you want — the ladder placed distractingly in the foreground, the all-caps typing, the extraneous information about this soi-disant pool's distance from the airport — but you’re not going to keep anyone from noticing that heap of trash in the background, nor the fact that this “pool,” after its two-year residency under your trailer (thanks for being up front about that, by the way), now apparently lives under the freeway.

Thanks, but I think I saw a puddle of antifreeze in the Walmart parking lot that I’d rather swim in.

couch

“still in good condtion other than seat cushion needs replaced.”








Um, sure. Just like John McCain’s chances of winning the presidency are in good condition (er, “condtion”) other than all the losing, Cindy McCain isn’t stoned out of her mind, other than all the horse tranquilizers, and Levi McHockeyprick is still going to make an honest woman out of Bristol Palin, other than the fact that he’s kayaking across the Bering Strait right now, “for, um, a hockey game. Yeah, we’ve got a game, babe! What? Oh of course I’m coming back! I’ll totally be back in a few days. By Thanksgiv — New Year’s for sure. I’ll text you. If I get any reception in Siberia.”

Lawnmower

"Condition viewable in pic. No not stolen, No I don't know ANYTHING about it. Working on it/exploring the insides in my yard is not okay. Get it and go. I don't have time to babysit ra[n]dom people in my yard"

While we see a fair amount of attitude in Free Stuff posts ("it's free, what do you want?"), I like a post that not only wants you to perform the enormous favor of removing trash from someone's home (this lawnmower is trash by any definition), but feels comfortable saying "fuck you!" while asking.

Vintage Microwave Halloween Safety Tips

To help you stay safe on this scary holiday, here are a few helpful tips from your friends at Vintage Microwave.

• Consider making your own costume from things found around the house. Store-bought costumes are often constructed from cheap, flammable materials, and free ones found on the Internet can be, well, really ugly:

"Witch costume. Free, or will trade for hangers."

• Stay in well-lighted areas to avoid dangerous people/condemned play structures:

“You need to put a sealer on and replace four treated 2x4s.”

• If you do find yourself in a poorly lit area, keep an eye out for anyone lying in wait to steal your candy or worse:

“It is sitting in my driveway, waiting for you.”

• And if you find yourself running to escape a toilet, take a lesson from every zombie flick ever made and don’t run upstairs to hide, lest you look out the window and find an entire swarm of them waiting for you below:

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Custom designed handmade coffee table

It's about time something artisanal and unique should arrive on the Free Stuff section. Something created by the hand of someone touched by greatness - there's no other way to say it. Someone who, moved by a desire to make the world that tiny bit better, is willing to simply give away his masterful handiwork. A Custom. Designed. Handmade. Coffee table.

"No remuneration necessary. Your undisguisable gratitude is more than payment enough. I know . . . I'm welling up, too. You're right, this is a great moment demonstrating man's humanity to man. Perhaps the harmonic convergence is finally taking place."

"It is custom. One of a very special kind. I designed it, using not only CAD tools, but also skills passed down through many generations of my family. An accumulated knowledge of craft and beauty spanning hundreds of years. Of course, it's handmade. I suspect no other hands could have delivered so great a gift. In my less modest moments, I consider myself midwife to the muses. Here, take it:

Drum Shell

"Email communication only, please."





What were the other possible means of communicating with you, drum shell poster? Your post contains the craigslist auto-anon e-mail address, and nothing else - because that's all you put there. Mission accomplished. No emphatic further assertions required. You cleverly left out your physical address. You omitted your phone number. Done! You're safe. We can't send a pigeon your way, or a message in a bottle. You give e-mail. We have e-mail. E-mail it is.

What kinds of tricks do you suspect we have up our sleeves? It's the fillings, isn't it? You want us to stop sending pick-up requests through your molars. Well, OK, I guess, but that's my preferred means of communication.

Couch Duo

A duo, but not a particularly dynamic one.

“Get me another Bud from the fridge, ‘K?”

“aww, man, I got the last one, you go get it. I wanna see what the next shape is - this Hole in the Wall show is awesome. Look! That dude just fell in the water!”

“Man, I bought the 18 pack, you need to go get me one.”

“I went and picked it up. ‘I buy, you fly’ is a one-shot deal. I don’t need to keep ‘flying.’”

“I say you do.”

“Fine. Tell me what’s happening while I’m in the kitchen.”

“The shape is like that ‘Artist Formerly Known as Prince’ symbol. It’s moving pretty fast. Oooh, man, he just got swept into the pool!”

“Dammit! I wanted to see that.”

---

Enjoy your new couch duo. Don’t take their TV show recommendations.

Industrial weaving cones

"Many plastic 12" x 2" tapered cones from industrial weaving. Good for art project, Halloween costume... ???

Pick up M-F 9-5. They are heavy so you will need a vehicle."

Possible Halloween costumes to make out of industrial weaving cones:

• Industrial loom
• Haunted industrial loom
• Slutty industrial loom

Walker

Whenever these are given away, I feel like I'm reading a wordless, anonymous obituary.

This model is apparently called a "Nova Cruiser," which seems almost cruel. No one using this believes they are "cruising," and they certainly don't feel particularly "nova."

Buncha Salt

"I have about 50 of these bags of salt packets. Im in sort of a bind, so i need someone to come pick these up NOW.

SERIOUSLY, NOW."


If you can already see the DEA walking up your front steps from the barely-parted curtains of your upstairs bedroom window, I don’t think that a posting on Free Stuff is the best way to get rid of your “salt.”

Children's Playhouse

“Huge Free Children's Playhouse. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ME IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A CRANE TO LIFT THIS OVER THE BRICK WALL. If you can haul it away, you can have it!! Just needs a little TLC!!”

Another Free Stuff poster chasing a particularly unachievable dream. “Access to a crane”? Come on. I doubt I could even come up with access to an engine hoist, much less a CRANE. Impossibility aside, imagine the tricked-out playhouse one could commission with the money it would take to get a crane, plus the knowledgeable person (or persons), permits, and insurance required to operate one.

And given the recent spate of disasters, we here at Vintage Microwave believe America to be standing on the precipice of a national War on Cranes. With that in mind, we find it unlikely that anyone could walk into their local crane-rental office looking to “relocate a playhouse” without finding themselves on the terrorist watch list.

100+ Cell Phone Chargers!

"...mostly for Motorolla phones. Perhaps they would make an interesting craft project or one could cover an art car with them."

Living in Berkeley, we’ve seen some extraordinarily ill-conceived art cars (if you can ever call an art car anything but). Old station wagons plastered with underwear, office supplies, or other junk, hatchbacks with plastic animals haphazardly glued to (and falling from) every surface, all manner of vehicles upholstered with Astroturf, and the classic let’s-paint-flowers/anti-establishment platitudes/a portrait of Bob Marley-on-this-bus-with-acryllic-paint-so-a-couple-years-from-now-it-will-be-a-rolling-pile-of-rust. In short, aside from being eyesores that blight our community, they are a colossal waste of human energy.

That said, even we find this person’s suggestion a slap in the face to the art car.

Antique Couch

“I got this couch off craigslist, thinking I was going to get it redone, and never had the time. It was left out in the weather for sometime before I got it......"

This post comes from Austin Craigslist, and judging by the pictures, “was left out in the weather for sometime [sic]” must mean at least one, if not all, of the following:

…was used as part of the armadillo enclosure at the Austin Zoo since its founding in 1990.

…was tragically caught in the crossfire of the Charles Whitman tower shootings at the University of Texas, and subsequently moved into a particularly unsavory frat house.

…was severely damaged during the Colorado River flood of 1900, as well as exposed to every other rainstorm in the ensuing 108 years.

…was inside the General Land Office Building during the Texas Archive War of 1842 where it took a cannon blast at close range, then laid low until 1987 when it was moved to the backyard of Stubbs BBQ to act as an ashtray. It currently holds the title of Most Gruesomely Deteriorated Inanimate Object in Austin, followed distantly by Willie Nelson’s guitar and Matthew McConaughey’s brain.

Christian T-Shirts

"All shirts are in excellent condition and are men's size 2XL, except where noted.

The first has TGIF (Thank God I'm Forgiven), with 1 John 1:9 written out. White background.

The second has 3 nails and says, "Driven. Not by nails, by His love." It has John 15:13 written out, on a gray-blue background.

The third has a skeleton, praying on its knees. It says, "Don't Wait" and has Romans 14:11 written out, on a black background.

Number five says a lot! The front has a hand nailed to a cross, with the words, "When the hammer hit the nail......." plus 1 Corinthians 15:3 written out. The back continues with the words, "....all hell broke loose." Revelation 1:18 is written over a background of red flames, on a black background.

Number six has an empty cross with a hole on the side, with blood dripping from it. It says, "He left you a message, carved in a tree......He loves you. That's the message." Men's size large. Blue-gray background."

---

In a Vintage Microwave first, I really have nothing to add. OK, one thing - Christian t-shirts sound an awful lot like a death metal band's concert shirts. OK, OK, one more - which of the following do you suppose the poster has lost? (1) Weight, (2) his faith in Jesus, or (3) his taste for ultraviolence? And finally, what happened to t-shirt number four?

Nightstand

"I don't really know how to describe it"

Let me help. You could go simple, with, say, "ugly." Or get a little dramatic, calling it a "formica monstrosity." Perhaps use a metaphor - "this nightstand is my failure to reach beyond my grasp." A nice simile might be "like a neverending broadcast of 'Crossing Jordan' reruns." In the end, I'd probably go with "it's the nightstand equivalent of a small Rust Belt city: unattractive, decrepit, and generally undesirable."

Ice chest

"Medium-small Ice chest, blue, condition unknown"


That's right, condition unknown. I'm not getting near that thing. It's out there. In the garage. I remember seeing it out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't want to get too close. You don't know what that ice chest is capable of. Condition unknown, but I know my fear of it well. You want to know if it still has a lid? You want to know if the plug at the bottom is still there? You want to know if a feral cat has given birth to multiple litters in it? Find out for yourself.

Moped

"About a year ago, we had a fire in our parking area and my moped was burned pretty badly. The fire caused everything non-metal to burn off, the gearbox cover to partially melt, and the rest of the metal to become rusty."


Read. Look at picture. Read again. Look at picture again. Consider everything you know about mechanics, the properties of metal, the nature of rust. Look at picture again. Reflect on how many hours there are in a day, and how many you have free to devote to your moped repair hobby. Assess what you might do with the melted, rusting carcass of a former moped. Conclude that of all the things on the free stuff section, this is the one you want least.

Artistic Lamps

"A piece of Americana! Vintage artisan styled lamps perfect for the collector."




Another noble effort to sell me on your crap. I do respond to the sort of keywords you're employing.

"Artistic"? Sounds great! But is it true? Teh interwebs tells me that one definition of "artistic" is "satisfying aesthetic standards and sensibilities." I have a wide range of friends, colleagues, associates, and accomplices. Hell, maybe even a few tastemakers fill their ranks. None of their aesthetic standards or sensibilities would be satisfied by these. Affronted? Yes. Made uncomfortable? For sure. But satisfied? Never. These are not artistic.

Maybe they're "Americana"! Do you think these lamps are "characteristic of American history or culture"? If so, you hate America. I am not interested in the opinions of terrorists. Begone. These are not Americana.

But, OK, "vintage," maybe they are vintage. My understanding of that is simply "kinda old." I remember containers/cans like that being around in the early Eighties. I've seen the graphic painted on them. If the early Eighties is vintage, all is lost. That aside, I have just learned "Vintage" is a 2003 album by Michael Bolton. So even if you think these are kinda old, you have to agree, they are not a Michael Bolton album.

Not artistic. Not Americana. Not vintage. Is there anything about this post that rings true? Are they "artisan styled"? Well, an "artisan" is a "skilled manual craftsperson." Take a good look at those lamps. Actually, I take that back. Take a glance at them - this doesn't take concentration. What kind of "skill" did that lampshade with the buttons take? I accept that my dog could not have put it together. And perhaps an art-inclined gorilla might not have nailed it. But then, neither did the asserted "artisan" - "purple here, red there, YELLOW! Tilt the shade. AHH!"

But my critique is misguided. It's for collectors. Somewhere out there, someone collects everything . . . including the worst possible examples of the expenditure of human energy.

Fender Tube Guitar Amp

"The last time I opened it up, I think I messed things up to the point where I am not comfortable turning it on anymore."


I'm a guitar player, so when I saw this, I was excited, honest to god. Not just any old free amp, but a free tube amp? Well, hell, I could put some money into fixing it and sell the thing if I didn't like it. Free tube amp. Man, that's like free unopened booze or free money. That's free at its freetastic best.

Then I read that little passage. I'm not just picturing broken beyond repair. I'd try my hand at that. This guy has apparently done something to make this risky. "You can have it if you want it, but please don't point it at me." For some reason, I'm thinking of the Large Hadron Collider, and the fear it could bring on an Earth-swallowing black hole or something. I've got an amp or two, thank you very much. You can keep the Apocalypse to yourself.

Loaner Sofa

"I have a sofa that somebody can use for a year or duration of my lease, perhaps a visiting scholar, instead of me putting it in storage. I have moved into a furnished apt. but prefer to keep my own couch. I would prefer a responsible person with renters insurance."

Oh, gruesome, slack, leather sofa. I can't believe I'm giving you up for even a moment. But we shall be together again. Oh yes, do not doubt it. Our time will come again. In the meanwhile, I shall find you a fitting foster parent. Your new family will satisfy rigorous requirements. There will be a credit check, I promise you. References will be called. I expect your new guardian will be too busy with the issues of the day to watch television or chat with friends . . . hmm, a scholar, yes, a scholar - someone with no time to sit on you.

You will be taken care of, however. Cleaned. Moisturized. Generally tended to. Perhaps not loved, I concede. But when we are together again, know this, you will be loved.

Credenza

You say credenza, I say Death Star. In any event, letting this into your home would be equivalent to committing your living room to a permanent state of eclipse.

Motorcycle Trailer

Motorcycle trailer, you say? Are you sure it isn't pieces of a shipwreck that have washed ashore?

But no, that's unkind, it looks to be in sound, usable condition. If I were the sort of person who uses a motorcycle trailer - a device intended to transport one of my most valuable possessions (I don't want too many miles on it, which is why I trailer it around) - THAT is the trailer I would want. I would not fear for a minute that the first pebble it hit along the road would send it into utter collapse, leaving my beloved motorcycle bouncing off the pavement and into the cars speeding behind me, and sending the freeway into chaos for hours. Really, I wouldn't think about that for a second.

Free Overheads Lyrics

". . . for Kids Christian Songs"

When I saw this heading, I wasn't sure what I was dealing with, but you have to click through when "Kids Christian Songs" are involved. The text of the ad explained:

"Have a FULL binder full of overhead transparencies. Must take all."

In the age of Powerpoint, I can see abandoning your carefully assembled Christian sing-along collection, though it must be hard to let go of - all those years at the copy shop, putting your printouts on transparencies. But - also in the age of Powerpoint - I don't see who the taker is for this. First, they need an overhead projector. Second, they need a captive audience of Christian children who are inclined to singing along with "Kids Christian Songs." Third, they need the urge to impose these songs on that audience. The number of possible recipients must be vanishingly small.

If there is a possible taker, however, I don't think you have to worry about selective cherry-picking of the binder. If someone, anyone, wants this at all, they'll be happy to take the whole thing. "Hey, HEY! Don't you try to leave 'Four Square with Jesus' and 'He is Better than Candy' behind. Must take all!"

Damaged Stoneware for Mosaics

"Free stoneware with chips and/or cracking for use in mosaic tile projects"




I dunno about you, but I think these broken plates are a little full of themselves. "Don't call us plates, we're 'stoneware.'" Well, OK, but stoneware or not, you're wrecked, so it's into the trash with you. "NO!! We don't belong in the trash. Give us immortality. We're stoneware, dammit! Let us live on in, oh, let's see . . . how about some sort of mosaic tile project? That sounds fitting. Mosaic us! Now!"

70's Era Vinyl Floor Tiles

"Not sure what they are. 1 box of 45 12"x12".



Not sure what they are? Howzabout 45 square feet of no-effing-way? How about devices to make your kitchen feel like the set of "Barbarella" (I think that's the matmos under there)? Perhaps a cheaper alternative to using genuine alligator hide as flooring? Or maybe just something that, when installed, will make your home just that much harder to sell. Adversity builds character, after all.

Vintage doll

"Very old doll. Arms need assembly. Dressed as a ballerina, with stockings. Her blue eyes open and close."




But her blue eyes are at their best in that half-open, nodding off position. You can almost hear her slurring something about "that black tar shit, man." Apparently, her habit has led to her arms falling off. Also, sadly, to distinguish herself from the other whores on the avenue, she has been reduced to wearing a tutu ("bet you never done it with a ballerina, honey"). Take this doll as a cautionary tale, or, I suppose, as a gift for a disfavored child: "you'll get a new doll when you get a new attitude, Daphne."