Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Artistic Lamps

"A piece of Americana! Vintage artisan styled lamps perfect for the collector."

Another noble effort to sell me on your crap. I do respond to the sort of keywords you're employing.

"Artistic"? Sounds great! But is it true? Teh interwebs tells me that one definition of "artistic" is "satisfying aesthetic standards and sensibilities." I have a wide range of friends, colleagues, associates, and accomplices. Hell, maybe even a few tastemakers fill their ranks. None of their aesthetic standards or sensibilities would be satisfied by these. Affronted? Yes. Made uncomfortable? For sure. But satisfied? Never. These are not artistic.

Maybe they're "Americana"! Do you think these lamps are "characteristic of American history or culture"? If so, you hate America. I am not interested in the opinions of terrorists. Begone. These are not Americana.

But, OK, "vintage," maybe they are vintage. My understanding of that is simply "kinda old." I remember containers/cans like that being around in the early Eighties. I've seen the graphic painted on them. If the early Eighties is vintage, all is lost. That aside, I have just learned "Vintage" is a 2003 album by Michael Bolton. So even if you think these are kinda old, you have to agree, they are not a Michael Bolton album.

Not artistic. Not Americana. Not vintage. Is there anything about this post that rings true? Are they "artisan styled"? Well, an "artisan" is a "skilled manual craftsperson." Take a good look at those lamps. Actually, I take that back. Take a glance at them - this doesn't take concentration. What kind of "skill" did that lampshade with the buttons take? I accept that my dog could not have put it together. And perhaps an art-inclined gorilla might not have nailed it. But then, neither did the asserted "artisan" - "purple here, red there, YELLOW! Tilt the shade. AHH!"

But my critique is misguided. It's for collectors. Somewhere out there, someone collects everything . . . including the worst possible examples of the expenditure of human energy.


Anonymous said...

Here's a nice free item currently available in the Los Angeles area: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/zip/870467888.html. One wonders why there's no explanation of the giant, numbered bananas *behind* the bike. Those better be included with the shitty eyesore of an "exercise bike," or there will be hell to pay.

Mary said...

Lynn's Paradise Cafe in Louisville, Kentucky, sponsors the annual Ugly Lamp contest at the state fair.... These lamps don't qualify. "Ugly" requires a bit more "artisanship" than these lamps offer.