Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mohair chair

I am moving and sadly cannot take these chairs.

You say you are sad, but you are moving because you want to get away from these chairs. These chairs are destroying you. They have held you hostage for years, threatening your family with their aggressive, visceral ugliness. Your entire post suggests Stockhom Syndrome, but don’t worry, we’ll get you through this.

There are 4 of them.

This is worse than I thought. I’ve contacted the authorities. Your neighborhood is being evacuated right now. Take your birth certificate and passport, leave everything else behind. Leave the back door unlocked.

They are grey mohair.

That almost sounds respectable, doesn’t it? Mohair. Get out of the house, now.

They roll.

We appreciate the warning. This is an ugly that may be difficult to contain. Homeland Security is cordoning off all of San Francisco.

The catch. They are very dirty.

This calls for Plan D-sub-4. CENTCOM has already decided. We are nuking San Francisco, from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. Remember when I said we'd get you through this? I'm sorry, I was wrong. You will die, with a majority of the rest of the Bay Area. But the greater good will be served.

These are very high quality chairs.

We've called in principals of the intelligence community. Your sentence confirms their findings. They located the bill of lading from the arms dealer who first brokered the sale of the chairs. They are weapons-grade chairs of the deadliest order.

But I used them in my work space with dogs. So they have a lot of sand and dog hair on them. But nothing a good steam cleaning wouldn't cure.

We asked the NSA about the steam cleaning option. After consultations with the White House, it was rejected in favor of a bomb.


Spandrel Studios said...

OK, dogs I understand, but I need help figuring out what kind of workspace involves both sand and sitting on woolen furniture. Was this person a Maine lifeguard in the off-season?

Stephen said...

Good point, what the hell is the causal relationship between dogs and sand in urban San Francisco? I blame the chairs. They have *turned* dog hair into sand!

alchemisty said...

hmm. most of the dogowners i know in san francisco take their dogs to the dogbeach at fort funston. that's why when i sold my jeep to adam and julia, it was already full of dog hair and sand from their dog, whom i had recently been official dogsitter.

that doesn't explain the mohair, the placement of the chairs in a dog/sand room, or, really, anything else.