Reading Chair

"You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that . . . but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face . . . and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends."

"The horror . . . the horror."

VCR

"Eats tapes. Other uses?"






Well, sure, there are plenty of other uses for a VCR that can't be used the way god intended! Here are a few.

(1) Place on top of garbage can to keep lid from falling off.
(2) Place at corner of beach blanket to keep from flying away.
(3) Place at bottom of door to keep from opening.
(4) Place below car's wheel to keep from rolling away.

That's right, why use a rock, when you can use this VCR? It's just as gray and heavy, and every bit as effective. For all your would-be rock uses, try this instead. You can't spell "very convenient rock substitute" without VCR.

Eye Catching Picture

It catches the eye, and says to the caught eye, "you are in a Marriott Hotel, and it is 1983." The eye then silently screams.

If you pick this up, you are probably a CIA agent looking for an alternative to waterboarding in the post-Cheney era. "Look at it. Look at it!"

Wolf Range

"The photo is not in its current element. It is behind the restaurant in the rain right now . . . Worked like a charm before we moved it outside and realized it had so much wear and tear . . . It has a ton of caked up grease on it (from a chinese restaurant that used it for +/- 10-15 years). It has rusty parts which are corroding and very thin walls where insulation is coming through . . . people have been picking pieces and parts from it."

It really reduces the load here when a prior post can simply be reused.

NICE COUCH

I'm glad to see that the title sequence from Saved by the Bell is still finding work after all these years. You know that it beat out both Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen for the role of "Craigslist Free Couch #16."

Okay, here we go: Shoot, Screw, or Marry? Screech, Mr. Belding, this couch.

Man, talk about a rock and a hard place (and a REALLY hard place). A normal person would probably just suck it up and screw Mr. Belding, marry the couch, and, of course, shoot Screech. At least the couch is quiet and isn't, well, Screech.

But I'm going to take the million-to-one gamble on Screech's imminent, non-sex-tape-related comeback and marry him. Go big or go home, right? As for Mr. Belding and the couch, they can fight it out amongst themselves — it really makes no difference to me. Fake-marrying Screech has already got me depressed.

Byte Magazines 1978-82

- In late 1982, the Commodore 64 came out, replacing the Commodore VIC-20. One of the last few issues in this collection of magazines may document that historic moment - a massive 64kb of RAM at an affordable price point. Hell, I'll bet that got the cover.

- Unfortunately, none of these will tell the story of the development of the technological marvel that is Tetris; its release was still years away.*

- I like to imagine that there's an article in there somewhere titled "Pong - the Pinnacle of Computer Games."

- I also like to imagine that a young Bill Gates wrote snide letters to the editor under the pseudonym Heywood Jablomie.



*I know, it seems like Tetris has been around since WWII. In fact, it wasn't until a few years after another U.S. military triumph, the invasion of Grenada, that it came to be. 1985.

basket ball pole and hoop

"free basket ball pole, net, and everything that comes with it."

Can I pass on that last part? Because it appears that what comes with this basketball hoop is sadness, torpor, and a low sense of self-worth. I've got most of those already.

couch

"I just want to get rid of it."

Did your couch take that picture of itself with your webcam? Because it looks like a sex offender's avatar from Instant Messenger.

LuvSeat69: wutup a/s/l

MileyPieCrust510: 13f/cali lol
LuvSeat69: u like 2 get nasty =)?

MileyPieCrust510: omg idk!

MileyPieCrust510: maybe lol. u?

LuvSeat69: u kno it.
LuvSeat69: ur really sexy. can we meet up?

MileyPieCrust510: what 4?

LuvSeat69: i want u 2 sit on my lap

MileyPieCrust510: lol that it?

LuvSeat69: wanna see a pic of my fold-out bed?

MileyPieCrust510: ummmm

LuvSeat69: hang on.......
MileyPieCrust510: omg its huge

LuvSeat69: weighs 150 pounds lol

It's going to be really uncomfortable for everyone involved when Chris Hansen gets his hands on this.

Display Piece Non-Functional Dressers

"We have two display pieces. Wood covered in felt with draw pulls and studs. They look like dressers but the drawers are not functional and stick out for display purpose. Must take both. They are large and heavy you will need two people to move them"

Not dressers, mind you, but felt-covered, studded dresser simulacra. To satisfy your many felt-covered, studded dresser simulacra needs.

Perhaps you run a BDSM dungeon, and want to torture your slave with some Sisyphean so-close-and-yet-so-far lure of being able to place something in the dresser. "Slave, put my bustiere away! What do you mean it won't go in? You dare disobey? Put the bustiere in the dresser. Stop your whimpering!"

That's not a use you see in your future? Well, I'm sure you'll find something to do with two felt-covered, studded, dresser simulacra. Must take both.

Hedders form a prelude

I don't know what "hedders form a prelude" means, but judging from the picture, it must be hillbilly-speak for "prosthetic udder."

Kayak Frame

"to build a kayak"


Thank you for that little bit of explanation. I was wondering what I might do with a kayak frame. Build an unwieldy lamp? An awkward basket in front of my bicycle's handlebars? A micro-submarine? No, no, your idea is best. Nail on the head. Elegant in its simplicity, really.

Chandelier

Remember the '70's fashion revival? The one that lasted longer than the decade it recreated*? Well, it never really seeped into interior design. People are starting to take crappy plastic '60's Pop Art design seriously, but no one really wants their house to look like Tony Montana's estate in "Scarface."** When people redecorate, they're either looking for something contemporary, or something reaching back to a personally romanticized period, be it the Arts & Crafts '20's, or Atomic Age '50's. Nobody putting together a new foyer is looking for that 1978 glow. This could find a place in the Museum of Banality I'd like to one day curate, but I don't know when I'll be able to put together the funding to break ground.



*1988 to 2003 or so, if the persistence of Brady Bunch-style striped short-sleeve shirts was an indicator.
** Yes, 1983, but that's the Seventies for design purposes.

Sofa

I really didn't know sofas came in "suburban goth." You know, a slightly overweight, black-lipstick-on-the-weekends 19-year-old creature of the night who lives at home and works at Circuit City part-time. But hey, the picture tells the story.

Wood Mail Box Post

"About 7 feet tall. Free to whom ever wants to come pick up."







There's something about the idea of going to pick this up and then lugging it back home makes me very uncomfortable.

MacLaren Twin Traveller

"This is the 2004 model - in good shape and works fine, with a small tear in the right handle, small stain on the fabric of one seat, and fading on the hoods; includes the foot muffs and rain hood."


There is one little detail missing from this description. The noun indicating what it is. Reading the title of the post, I thought maybe it was some sort of RV trailer thing. I'm moderately interested in that sort of device, so I clicked. I saw it was a "2004 model," and figured I must be wrong. When people give away trailers, they're thirty-five years old and held together by decades of mildew. Once I finished reading this through, I guessed stroller, and I'll bet that's what it is, but who knows? It could be a golf cart, a touring motorcycle, or a moss-covered three handled family grudunza,

White Couch

I believe this sofa may be made of marshmallows. If not, I hope it's a clever use of an orphaned slab of polar ice cap.