suzuki samari

"NO DRIVE LINES, NO STEERING LINKAGE, JERRY RIGGED LIFT, you will need to tow it! Don't call & ask stupind questions!"



Please forgive me if these are "stupind" questions, but there are just a few things I need to know:

1. What?

2. Why?

3. How do you manage to misspell "samurai," a word that is surely emblazoned somewhere on the vehicle you have obviously spent a great deal of time ruining? In literally the largest type size you will ever see the word "samurai" printed in, ever?

4. Why?

5. What?

Sofa

I think somewhere in those cushions is a secret message, set forth in cuneiform. This has inspired me to start work on a screenplay similar* to the Da Vinci Code, with this couch filling the role of the Louvre.


*Though not so similar as to raise the danger of litigation.

Antique Mantle

"In my old home, I put it against a wall and put candles all around underneath it to simulate a fireplace - was very lovely."

Thanks for the suggestion, but if it weren't for ideas like that, perhaps you'd still be living in your "old home," and this would still be the "mantle" you claim it is, rather than a charred piece of trash.

DOGBED/LOVE SEAT COUCH

"IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PIECE OF FURNITURE THAT YOU THINK YOUR DOG WILL LOVE AS A BED THIS WILL WORK GREAT."



Interesting angle, but my dog doesn't really need a loveseat to sleep on. He sleeps in his loft bed, which frees up space in his bedroom for his desk and his Playstation 3.

DWARFS

"I HAVE 14 FREE DWARFS THAT I AM GETTING RID OF BECAUSE WE ARE PUTTING IN A POOL."

I believe that, traditionally, fairies are the ones who are averse to water, and even then, usually only running water. So you're good to go! Your dwarves and your pool can coexist peacefully. Just make sure they wait for 30 minutes after feasting and drinking ale before taking a dip.

Trampoline

Not the first trampoline we've noted, but the first featuring exciting new DeathSlot* technology.



*a registered trademark of ExtremePoline, Inc.

Liquor Carousel

This doesn't look like nearly as much fun as the name suggests.

Very Old Backyard Chairs

"No good for sitting, may be good for background, props for picture or movie set."




Chairs. "No good for sitting." These chairs are adrift, lost, unable to satisfy the most basic element of chair-ness. Chairs like this don't last long. Once they lose sit-ability, they lose interest in life, and die soon thereafter.

Please give these chairs something to do so they can hold on a little longer. Something to give their days meaning. Something like . . . put them in a movie. That sounds good. You do have a movie in production don't you?

Sarns Heart Lung Machine

"Pick it up and it is yours. Let me know your intended use - best purpose will win if multiple interested parties."



Dear poster of heart lung machine;

I want to live, and need this so that I may.

I hope this may qualify as a "best purpose."

If that does not appeal to you, I could also use it for an art project that I will bring to Burning Man. Presuming I live, of course.

Weak . . . must stop typing.

Yours hopefully,
VM

Large cardboard box

"Open on one side"

I'll be right there.

Don't they have recycling pickup in your town?

open half used cans of cat food

Now, we here at VM don't have big heads. We don't think we're famous or anything. This blog is not some unstoppable internet juggernaut on the radar of every webreader out there. But some people have seen it, and I'm pretty sure one of them posted this as a setup:

"i have about 20 little cans of cat food. my cat is older and picky and only likes the juice and to eat it before it is refridgerated, therefore i have a number of opened half used cans of cat food. most of them are priority brand but there are a couple other different kinds. They have been refridgerated with plastic wrap on top. the oldest one is probably a week old. I dont want to just throw them away because I am sure there are some cats out there that would eat it. If you are interested in picking them up tonight let me know and I will leave them for you on top of my recycle bin. email me if you are interested and I will give you my address and leave them outside my house for you to pick up. I will respond to people in the order they email me."

I mean, right? Nobody really posts this kind of thing seriously.

Spaghetti Measurer

This sounds like some sort of old-timey slur directed to those damned eye-talians.

The poster divesting him- or herself of the "spaghetti measurer" (I'm really not clear on what this is, btw) is also trying to unload "3 unopened 2005 calendars." There were high hopes for the year - "this one's gonna be so busy, I'll need three calendars" - but they quickly went sour.

There's also a "Non-working CD walkman-type player." I am tempted to hire an economist to crunch the numbers on that one - what is the financial upside to fixing an obsolete, ultra-cheap electronic device?

Sectional Sofa

Is that what that is? I would have guessed "laundry bag chock full of clothes from the late Eighties that I can't seem to get around to donating to Goodwill." Or maybe "old pillow the cat has peed on one too many times."

I'm not really seeing the "sectional."

Or the "sofa."

Steel Bars

"I have about six steel bars, pick up only. Please email to me if you are interesting."




About six. You know how we feel about that.

I can think of a lot of uses for these. Actually, I can think of none. Does that make me interesting?

Baby Bicycle Trailer

"Extremely worn Trailer. Barely working condition. Needs some work. Tires in good condition."





In the wake of abstinence-only education and poor access to birth control, some people are apparently resorting to extreme measures in family planning.

PeeWee Herman Movies

This would not be remarkable, were it not for the particular circumstances presented. People have VHS tapes they'll never look at again. They post them on the free section. I get it. Me? I'd just put them out on the curb or throw them away, but I can't fault the person who posts them on Craigslist. Whatever.

The thing about this post is that it goes up first at 9:16 p.m: "Free PeeWee Herman VHS, set of 2."

Then, at 9:38 p.m. (a mere 22 minutes later), another post follows:

"Free peewee herman movies, need to go tonight"

I guess I'm just a bit unclear on the urgency of unloading these two VHS tapes . . .

RIGHT NOW!!1!

I have trouble picturing the scene. Posting the ad, then freaking out at the absence of immediate response. But this is in Fairfield, CA, so I wonder if methamphetamine is involved. I'm kidding. I know meth is involved.

Panda Mailbox

Panda mailbox my ass. That is obviously a Grizzly mailbox repainted to look like a panda.

In other news: panda mailbox?

puppet, hard to explain

Hard to explain? What's so hard to explain about an all-puppet production of Apocalypse Now? Frankly, I'm a little bummed that I missed it. I'd love to have seen the buffalo–sacrifice scene in your version.

Awning

"Come take it down and it's yours!"





What a find. Just what I've been looking for. A hideous 1960's or so metal awning. About a year ago, I helped a friend take one of these rusted, mildewed, ugly hulks off his house. I'm still expecting tetanus symptoms to show up. It didn't occur to my friend to try to get someone to take the awning down for him by offering it for "free." He had a clear sense that it was an object of pure trash value, and bought me lunch and a beer for the help.

I look forward to future posts from this poster. "Asbestos insulation, come take it down and it's yours!" "Broken water heater circa 1963. Come take it down and it's yours!" "Dead oak tree in back yard. Accessible only by helicopter or enormous crane. Come take it down and it's yours!"

Boat Trailer

These decrepit trailers show up from time to time. This is a particularly nice example.

The only boat I could imagine putting aboard this trailer would be a boat owned by an archenemy. Someone who has wronged me so regularly or so spectacularly, that I would need to invent a new species of revenge dramatic enough to get his or her attention. Placing my archenemy's boat on this frail, rusted, doomed trailer just might do the trick.

"Antique" Vacuum Cleaner

"This is a 1960s or 1970s Kirby vaccum cleaner...had it tuned up and it worked for a while. It works a bit but not great for our needs."


It may be true that there are purists out there. People so committed to a "vintage" lifestyle that everything they touch must have some old-timey cred. God knows I love my mid-century furniture, and an early 60's Ford Falcon is a thing to behold, but there are limits to my - and I presume anyone's - willingness to live in the past.

Some items have been improved and have developed with time in a way that can't be ignored in pursuit of period realism. I don't want to cook my food in a 1960's microwave. I don't want my dentist to work on my teeth with a 1960's drill. I don't want to pay the electricity bill for a 1960's air conditioner. And I don't want to vacuum up my dog's hair with a 1960's vacuum that "works a bit."

Weight Set

"It has been left outside so it does have some rust but still works as it is designed to."







So it's designed for iron plates to come crashing down on the user when the rusted cables snap? That's an exercise fad I haven't heard of. I suppose getting severe tetanus would keep you from eating for a while.

Cattle grain feeder

You know, for your cattle farm. Call me a skeptic, but I just don't see the confluence of necessary factors taking place:

1. You live in the Bay Area;
2. You have a cattle farm;
3. You need a cattle grain feeder;
4. You think you may find one on the internet;
5. You work your way to the Free Stuff section and find this;
6. You learn that it's in working condition, satisfying your cattle grain feeder needs.

Skateboard Ramp

For the parent who wants his child dead, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger: an indirect filicidal device - the deeply damaged skateboard ramp.

"You go have fun, Jesse. Daddy picked you up a skateboard ramp."
"It looks a little old, Daddy."
"Every little boy wants a skateboard ramp, Jesse. Daddy got you one. Go play."
"It's cracked and broken and has holes in it, Daddy."
"Tony Hawk could handle it Jesse. You do want to be like Tony Hawk, don't you?"
"Yeees."
"Now take your skateboard and go play."
"Oookay. Where's my helmet?"
"Helmets are for girls, Jesse. You're not a girl, are you?"
"Noooo."
"Oh, and be sure to give your brother a turn."