Fender Tube Guitar Amp

"The last time I opened it up, I think I messed things up to the point where I am not comfortable turning it on anymore."


I'm a guitar player, so when I saw this, I was excited, honest to god. Not just any old free amp, but a free tube amp? Well, hell, I could put some money into fixing it and sell the thing if I didn't like it. Free tube amp. Man, that's like free unopened booze or free money. That's free at its freetastic best.

Then I read that little passage. I'm not just picturing broken beyond repair. I'd try my hand at that. This guy has apparently done something to make this risky. "You can have it if you want it, but please don't point it at me." For some reason, I'm thinking of the Large Hadron Collider, and the fear it could bring on an Earth-swallowing black hole or something. I've got an amp or two, thank you very much. You can keep the Apocalypse to yourself.

Loaner Sofa

"I have a sofa that somebody can use for a year or duration of my lease, perhaps a visiting scholar, instead of me putting it in storage. I have moved into a furnished apt. but prefer to keep my own couch. I would prefer a responsible person with renters insurance."

Oh, gruesome, slack, leather sofa. I can't believe I'm giving you up for even a moment. But we shall be together again. Oh yes, do not doubt it. Our time will come again. In the meanwhile, I shall find you a fitting foster parent. Your new family will satisfy rigorous requirements. There will be a credit check, I promise you. References will be called. I expect your new guardian will be too busy with the issues of the day to watch television or chat with friends . . . hmm, a scholar, yes, a scholar - someone with no time to sit on you.

You will be taken care of, however. Cleaned. Moisturized. Generally tended to. Perhaps not loved, I concede. But when we are together again, know this, you will be loved.

Credenza

You say credenza, I say Death Star. In any event, letting this into your home would be equivalent to committing your living room to a permanent state of eclipse.

Motorcycle Trailer

Motorcycle trailer, you say? Are you sure it isn't pieces of a shipwreck that have washed ashore?

But no, that's unkind, it looks to be in sound, usable condition. If I were the sort of person who uses a motorcycle trailer - a device intended to transport one of my most valuable possessions (I don't want too many miles on it, which is why I trailer it around) - THAT is the trailer I would want. I would not fear for a minute that the first pebble it hit along the road would send it into utter collapse, leaving my beloved motorcycle bouncing off the pavement and into the cars speeding behind me, and sending the freeway into chaos for hours. Really, I wouldn't think about that for a second.

Free Overheads Lyrics

". . . for Kids Christian Songs"

When I saw this heading, I wasn't sure what I was dealing with, but you have to click through when "Kids Christian Songs" are involved. The text of the ad explained:

"Have a FULL binder full of overhead transparencies. Must take all."

In the age of Powerpoint, I can see abandoning your carefully assembled Christian sing-along collection, though it must be hard to let go of - all those years at the copy shop, putting your printouts on transparencies. But - also in the age of Powerpoint - I don't see who the taker is for this. First, they need an overhead projector. Second, they need a captive audience of Christian children who are inclined to singing along with "Kids Christian Songs." Third, they need the urge to impose these songs on that audience. The number of possible recipients must be vanishingly small.

If there is a possible taker, however, I don't think you have to worry about selective cherry-picking of the binder. If someone, anyone, wants this at all, they'll be happy to take the whole thing. "Hey, HEY! Don't you try to leave 'Four Square with Jesus' and 'He is Better than Candy' behind. Must take all!"

Damaged Stoneware for Mosaics

"Free stoneware with chips and/or cracking for use in mosaic tile projects"




I dunno about you, but I think these broken plates are a little full of themselves. "Don't call us plates, we're 'stoneware.'" Well, OK, but stoneware or not, you're wrecked, so it's into the trash with you. "NO!! We don't belong in the trash. Give us immortality. We're stoneware, dammit! Let us live on in, oh, let's see . . . how about some sort of mosaic tile project? That sounds fitting. Mosaic us! Now!"

70's Era Vinyl Floor Tiles

"Not sure what they are. 1 box of 45 12"x12".



Not sure what they are? Howzabout 45 square feet of no-effing-way? How about devices to make your kitchen feel like the set of "Barbarella" (I think that's the matmos under there)? Perhaps a cheaper alternative to using genuine alligator hide as flooring? Or maybe just something that, when installed, will make your home just that much harder to sell. Adversity builds character, after all.

Vintage doll

"Very old doll. Arms need assembly. Dressed as a ballerina, with stockings. Her blue eyes open and close."




But her blue eyes are at their best in that half-open, nodding off position. You can almost hear her slurring something about "that black tar shit, man." Apparently, her habit has led to her arms falling off. Also, sadly, to distinguish herself from the other whores on the avenue, she has been reduced to wearing a tutu ("bet you never done it with a ballerina, honey"). Take this doll as a cautionary tale, or, I suppose, as a gift for a disfavored child: "you'll get a new doll when you get a new attitude, Daphne."

Enema Kits

"Free - - - 7-8 Fleet Enema Kits. These are unopened but have passed their expiration date. They will still do the job."


Yeah, this is too easy, so I won't say too much.

Numbers. First, I am really beginning to wonder about the job our schools do. Too many people are being left behind in math class. If the Free Stuff section has taught me something, it's that any counting task above 2 is an insurmountable challenge. This happens so much, we need a new tag for it. "How many enema kits do I have? Honestly, I'm not sure. There are a few, several, some. Bring your neighborhood mathlete and maybe we can nail it down. My son was just visiting on Labor Day break from Cornell. He thinks it's 7-8. I have to take his word for it, he's a sharp kid."

Past expiration date. The manufacturer exhorts you not to use these. They have gone bad. But what the hell does the manufacturer know? Hell, they just want you to buy more enema kits. It's for your ass, not your mouth, right? Is your ass picky? I didn't think so. Asses make do. Take the enema kits.

"They will still do the job." What job is that, poster? Oh, enemizing, ass-flushing, thanks for the image. I come to the internet looking for a free couch, and I'm forced to think about enemas. The internet is dangerous.

Unopened. Thank heaven for small favors.

UVA souvenirs from Virginia-USC football game

Final score - USC - 52, UVA 7

Souvenirs include shame, embarrassment, mortification, loss of hope, oh, and giveaway towels and 3D plastic cup.

6 trapezoidal risers to form hexagonal platform

Yes, you read that correctly:

"I have six (6) trapezoid-shaped wooden risers, about 4 feet long on the outside edge and two feet on the inside edge, that form a hexagon-shaped platform when aligned together. These were constructed to raise a hexagon-shaped kiosk display to standing level"

So if you happen to have a hexagonal kiosk display, that you really wish were about one foot closer to heaven, get to e-mailing!