Wall Micro/Oven Combo

Should we infer anything about condition and/or safety from your unwillingness to get any closer to the "micro/oven" to take its picture? Or were you just hoping it wouldn't see you, so you could avoid the awkward discussion about the future of your relationship?

Cast Iron Sink

I admire the effort, and I know this may make me a pessimist, but I really don't think reasoning with it will get you anywhere. You can start with a whisper and end with a shout, but that sink is gonna do whatever the hell it wants.

Sofa

I think somewhere in those cushions is a secret message, set forth in cuneiform. This has inspired me to start work on a screenplay similar* to the Da Vinci Code, with this couch filling the role of the Louvre.


*Though not so similar as to raise the danger of litigation.

Sarns Heart Lung Machine

"Pick it up and it is yours. Let me know your intended use - best purpose will win if multiple interested parties."



Dear poster of heart lung machine;

I want to live, and need this so that I may.

I hope this may qualify as a "best purpose."

If that does not appeal to you, I could also use it for an art project that I will bring to Burning Man. Presuming I live, of course.

Weak . . . must stop typing.

Yours hopefully,
VM

Sectional Sofa

Is that what that is? I would have guessed "laundry bag chock full of clothes from the late Eighties that I can't seem to get around to donating to Goodwill." Or maybe "old pillow the cat has peed on one too many times."

I'm not really seeing the "sectional."

Or the "sofa."

Panda Mailbox

Panda mailbox my ass. That is obviously a Grizzly mailbox repainted to look like a panda.

In other news: panda mailbox?

Dining Table

Do you see this? Can you make out its majesty?

Part Battlestar Galactica, part making-it-in-America post-Mariel Boatlift. If this were in our home, our friends would worry about us. Really, like call the doctor worry.

Book

"How to Meet and Work with Spirit Guides"

The meeting part is relatively easy. Frequent spirit guide bars. Late night grocery shopping in the spirit guide aisle. Workout at the spirit guide gym. If things are tough, join SpiritGuideHookup.com. Some people don't know these things, so the book may come in handy.

But the real payoff here is the portion on how to work with spirit guides. They're sensitive, prone to prima donna-ism, and occasionally real assholes. Recommendations include: (1) Bring your spirit guide coffee and a danish before you head out, (2) Be sure to comment favorably on your spirit guide's outfit, (3) Avoid your spirit guide's gaze - it may perceive that as a challenge, and (4) Most importantly, just pick up the bill at lunch. You can write it off later.

Free Stuff Flakes

A little OT here, but it's a common occurrence for Free Stuff posters to lament the many responses they receive, and the number of "flakes" - people who say they're comin' to get it, then don't. Just today, in the SF Bay Area -

"I have had a number of people flake on me...please only inquire if you are serious!!!"

"I've had wayyyy too many replies re: this TV stand. I'll respond to those that replied and re-post if they all flake."

"We've had lots of flakes so, they are free to the first person to come pick them up."
----
We're curious about the sociology of Free Stuff. Who are these "flakes"? Of course, we don't have time for empirical research here at VMHQ, but we have plenty of time for pure speculation.

I suspect a lot of the "flakes" are new CL users, who have just discovered the free section, and can't believe all the stuff they can get for free: "ohmigah, ohmigah, look, look! A particleboard TV stand - FREE! And it's not even on fire!" So they immediately respond, then realize they (1) don't have room for the TV stand, and (2) already have a perfectly good one in the rumpus room. Adrenaline subsides; lesson learned.

Others are hardcore OCD/hoarder Free Stuff neurotics, people with a compulsion to respond to every ad in a category, but because of their mental illness, can't work, and therefore can't pay for gas to pick things up. They are stuck at the response stage - "I'll be right there to get it." They won't, but it satisfies some need within them to contend that they will. "Pile of paving stones, you will be mine."

Finally, the bulk are people like the first category of newbies, who have just never completely learned the lesson they should have the first time. A little cautious, but still excitable when the right item comes up. "That is a cool dresser. I want that. Livermore isn't that far away. Oh wait, I don't have a truck. Or a friend who can help me at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday."*

Other flakegories?



*Yes, I am describing myself. But I usually figure it out before I hit "send" on my e-mail.

Breakfast

"Times are tough. I don't have much money to offer but I can cook you a nice English breakfast."


We've seen this free meal thing before. I am again struck by the astonishingly uncomfortable social situation this will inevitably create. "Yeah, I'm here for the breakfast. I've got to get home soon, though. Can I take it to go?" "Why in such a hurry, have a seat! Can I get you some coffee."

This poster is either profoundly lonely, or a kidnapper-to-be.

But kudos on taking a picture of breakfast, just to try to sell your charitable act that little bit better.

VHS 38 Standard Movies

"38 movies, like Castaway, Star Wars, Storm Troopers, etc."

Because who doesn't want a stash of VHS movies? You still have a VHS player hooked up, right?

But that's the easy part. "Storm Troopers"? A "standard movie"?* A quick peek at IMDB.com indicates that there was a movie called "Storm Troopers U.S.A." made in 1969, but I've never heard of it, which militates against a conclusion that it's "standard."

So if you want some VHS movies, including incredibly obscure rarities, you should get in touch. There's valuable stuff on the Free Stuff section after all!


*what is a "standard movie" anyway?

note to VM debunkers: yes, yes, we know the poster is probably just mis-naming some part of the Star Wars franchise, or Starship Troopers. But that's not funny.

Piano

"Looking to donate this lovely piano from the '80s"





By the '80's, piano craftsmanship had taken a turn for the weird. In the wake of postmodernity, the most avant-garde pianomakers were interested not only in representation but in peculiar counter-representations, and in trying to drive home the arbitrary nature of the signifier. As a result, there was a notorious period in which they foisted nearly anything on the public as a "piano," daring the world to complain. "I am the pianomaker. I decide what is or is not a piano. You contend this is a dresser or drybar? Fine. I say it is a piano. Same goes for that piano over there. Yes, yes, the one you keep calling a barstool."

It was a brief period in the history of pianomaking, and one remembered with little fondness by concert pianists worldwide. Presented with one of these objects at a recording session at EMI Studio late in his career, Sviatoslav Richter is said to have quipped "I would sooner brush my teeth with this than try to play Schumann's Fantasy in C."

Display Piece Non-Functional Dressers

"We have two display pieces. Wood covered in felt with draw pulls and studs. They look like dressers but the drawers are not functional and stick out for display purpose. Must take both. They are large and heavy you will need two people to move them"

Not dressers, mind you, but felt-covered, studded dresser simulacra. To satisfy your many felt-covered, studded dresser simulacra needs.

Perhaps you run a BDSM dungeon, and want to torture your slave with some Sisyphean so-close-and-yet-so-far lure of being able to place something in the dresser. "Slave, put my bustiere away! What do you mean it won't go in? You dare disobey? Put the bustiere in the dresser. Stop your whimpering!"

That's not a use you see in your future? Well, I'm sure you'll find something to do with two felt-covered, studded, dresser simulacra. Must take both.

Hedders form a prelude

I don't know what "hedders form a prelude" means, but judging from the picture, it must be hillbilly-speak for "prosthetic udder."

MacLaren Twin Traveller

"This is the 2004 model - in good shape and works fine, with a small tear in the right handle, small stain on the fabric of one seat, and fading on the hoods; includes the foot muffs and rain hood."


There is one little detail missing from this description. The noun indicating what it is. Reading the title of the post, I thought maybe it was some sort of RV trailer thing. I'm moderately interested in that sort of device, so I clicked. I saw it was a "2004 model," and figured I must be wrong. When people give away trailers, they're thirty-five years old and held together by decades of mildew. Once I finished reading this through, I guessed stroller, and I'll bet that's what it is, but who knows? It could be a golf cart, a touring motorcycle, or a moss-covered three handled family grudunza,

X-Ray Machine

"It is 20 years old but works just fine. I am moving offices and i need to get rid of it. If you want to use or scrap it please take it off my hands. "

Sorry for the off-axis photo, but I was falling down in astonishment when I posted this.

Really? Just anyone can have an X-Ray machine? I can just "take it off your hands"? There's no regulatory body designated to keep it from falling into the wrong hands? No licensing requirement? I can just turn it on, without training, sit there, and hope to become the Hulk? Oh, right, that was gamma rays. But there must be some sort of superhero/monster it could turn me (or some neighborhood cat) into. I hope the folks next door had the foresight to lead-line their walls. Otherwise, the man of the house may soon turn into Iodizing Radiation Victim Man.

Patriotic Beanie Babies

I know, you're expecting some sardonic, arch comments about the failure of 1990's consumerism, and its encapsulation in the mere idea of "patriotic Beanie Babies," but no, that's not our interest here. Instead, we're astonished and impressed by the procedural strictures this poster places on those who would acquire these "PBBs". The post consists, primarily, of the following:

"MUST include both name and number. Parking is unpredictable after 5pm. Please ONLY request items the night before or the morning of your planned pickup time. I cannot hold items. To be fair to those on my waiting list, if I don't hear from you within 2 hours of your scheduled pickup time, I will offer the item(s) to the next person on the list."

I can't help but feel that the White House Social Secretary would have trouble keeping track of the many protocols imposed by this poster. I'm reminded of the analytical sections of various standardized tests: "An accountancy firm has a staff of five, Messrs. Albert, Burns, Calogero, Defeo, and Evans. The national accounting society sponsors exactly five conferences, which the employees attend, subject to the following constraints: If Mr. Albert attends a conference, then Mr. Defeo does not attend it. If Mr. Burns attends a conference, then either Mr. Calogero or Mr. Defeo, but not both, attends it . . ."

If BeanieBabiesiana were my thing, I think I might prefer to resort to eBay and spending a few bucks, instead of reliving the LSAT trying to navigate this poster's rules.

Electric Hospital Bed

"Come on honey, let's play 'Infirmary' again. I've been waiting all week."



"Jeff, I lied when I said I was ok with this. And I'd like to be able to get to the bookshelf in the study."

"I think you mean, 'in the infirmary.'"

"OK, I'm going out for awhile. We can talk later."

Lamp Shade

"This lamp shade is in perfect condition."


Sure, if "mossy" is how you define "perfect." While I'm a fan of the novel and environmentally sound Living Roof, I'm not sure I want it in my living room.

Ch-ch-ch-Chia . . .

Ice chest

"Medium-small Ice chest, blue, condition unknown"


That's right, condition unknown. I'm not getting near that thing. It's out there. In the garage. I remember seeing it out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't want to get too close. You don't know what that ice chest is capable of. Condition unknown, but I know my fear of it well. You want to know if it still has a lid? You want to know if the plug at the bottom is still there? You want to know if a feral cat has given birth to multiple litters in it? Find out for yourself.