Shoot, Screw, or Marry: Ugly Poster Edition

Also know as “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” this classic time-passer involves deciding which of three options (usually people, but in our case, tchotchkes) to eliminate, which to shag, and which to wed in holy matrimony.

Today’s contenders!

1. Unicorn picture

“This can be categorized as a print of a unicorn or a war stallion. It is mounted and framed.”

Ah yes, the war stallion. Bravely fighting the never-ending battle against aesthetic pleasure and the ability of young children to sleep without nightmares.

2. Fuzzy poster

“About 16" x 20" Nice design. No marker set. Good condition. Ready for coloring.”

No markers? It’s not looking good for you, fuzzy poster.

3. 3D Jesus poster

“You have to relax and un-focus your eyes then the image will appear. This print is a religious scene; Christ on the cross, the tomb where he was buried, Bethlehem scene and a village scene.”

The makings of the Worst. Acid trip. Ever.

My picks? Shoot the fuzzy bullseye (easy); screw the unicorn, since it’s the most humanoid of the three (at least as far as I can tell without getting a raging headache); and marry 3D Jesus, because really, nothing would piss my dad off more than me getting hitched to a long-haired, Middle-Eastern hippie.

How about you?

Christian T-Shirts

"All shirts are in excellent condition and are men's size 2XL, except where noted.

The first has TGIF (Thank God I'm Forgiven), with 1 John 1:9 written out. White background.

The second has 3 nails and says, "Driven. Not by nails, by His love." It has John 15:13 written out, on a gray-blue background.

The third has a skeleton, praying on its knees. It says, "Don't Wait" and has Romans 14:11 written out, on a black background.

Number five says a lot! The front has a hand nailed to a cross, with the words, "When the hammer hit the nail......." plus 1 Corinthians 15:3 written out. The back continues with the words, "....all hell broke loose." Revelation 1:18 is written over a background of red flames, on a black background.

Number six has an empty cross with a hole on the side, with blood dripping from it. It says, "He left you a message, carved in a tree......He loves you. That's the message." Men's size large. Blue-gray background."

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In a Vintage Microwave first, I really have nothing to add. OK, one thing - Christian t-shirts sound an awful lot like a death metal band's concert shirts. OK, OK, one more - which of the following do you suppose the poster has lost? (1) Weight, (2) his faith in Jesus, or (3) his taste for ultraviolence? And finally, what happened to t-shirt number four?

Free Overheads Lyrics

". . . for Kids Christian Songs"

When I saw this heading, I wasn't sure what I was dealing with, but you have to click through when "Kids Christian Songs" are involved. The text of the ad explained:

"Have a FULL binder full of overhead transparencies. Must take all."

In the age of Powerpoint, I can see abandoning your carefully assembled Christian sing-along collection, though it must be hard to let go of - all those years at the copy shop, putting your printouts on transparencies. But - also in the age of Powerpoint - I don't see who the taker is for this. First, they need an overhead projector. Second, they need a captive audience of Christian children who are inclined to singing along with "Kids Christian Songs." Third, they need the urge to impose these songs on that audience. The number of possible recipients must be vanishingly small.

If there is a possible taker, however, I don't think you have to worry about selective cherry-picking of the binder. If someone, anyone, wants this at all, they'll be happy to take the whole thing. "Hey, HEY! Don't you try to leave 'Four Square with Jesus' and 'He is Better than Candy' behind. Must take all!"

Christian Novels

"So we can share with more than one family, please do not ask for everything."

Yeah, share the wealth for Christ's sake. Note that this post was up weeks ago, with the same list of titles. Doesn't look like there's a mad rush on these, after all.

Titles include (with added subtitles):

The Brethren. Lewis.
Not the One About the Supreme Court

Retribution. Ingermanson.
God's Go-to Strategy

The Sweetbriar Bride. Wilbee.
You're Expecting a Romance, You'll Get Moralizing

The Sound of the Trumpet. Hill.
It Blew, We Knew, It's True. Join Our Crew.

Blue Mist on the Danube. Fell.
Will Destroy Secular Europe.

Bamboo and Lace. Wick.
Jesus lives in the East as Well.

A Promise for Tomorrow. Pella/Peterson.
Makes Up for All the Crap You Deal With Today

The Confession. Lewis.
Christian Novels Can Titillate, Too.

The Rose Legacy. Heitzmann.
Intrigue Through Arcane Apocrypha

Gods & Kings. Austin.
Just Kidding About That Plural Thing, God

Brothers of the Outlaw Trail. 4 authors. 4 stories of the wild west.
Don't Worry, Outlaws and "Wild"-ness Will Be Discredited