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This doesn't look like nearly as much fun as the name suggests.

Reptile Furniture

"Aquarium with reptile 'cave,' 2 upside down U-logs, and extra logs lying around."

I don't have much to say about this, really, I'm just enamored of the phrase "reptile furniture." Good title for a poem? Since my furniture tastes run to the mid-century modern, when I saw the phrase, I thought of a ball python relaxing on a miniature Vladimir Kagan couch, or perhaps a lizard smoking a tiny cigarette while reclining in a Womb chair. Alas, I'm left with a rock and some logs.

Free Stuff Flakes

A little OT here, but it's a common occurrence for Free Stuff posters to lament the many responses they receive, and the number of "flakes" - people who say they're comin' to get it, then don't. Just today, in the SF Bay Area -

"I have had a number of people flake on me...please only inquire if you are serious!!!"

"I've had wayyyy too many replies re: this TV stand. I'll respond to those that replied and re-post if they all flake."

"We've had lots of flakes so, they are free to the first person to come pick them up."
----
We're curious about the sociology of Free Stuff. Who are these "flakes"? Of course, we don't have time for empirical research here at VMHQ, but we have plenty of time for pure speculation.

I suspect a lot of the "flakes" are new CL users, who have just discovered the free section, and can't believe all the stuff they can get for free: "ohmigah, ohmigah, look, look! A particleboard TV stand - FREE! And it's not even on fire!" So they immediately respond, then realize they (1) don't have room for the TV stand, and (2) already have a perfectly good one in the rumpus room. Adrenaline subsides; lesson learned.

Others are hardcore OCD/hoarder Free Stuff neurotics, people with a compulsion to respond to every ad in a category, but because of their mental illness, can't work, and therefore can't pay for gas to pick things up. They are stuck at the response stage - "I'll be right there to get it." They won't, but it satisfies some need within them to contend that they will. "Pile of paving stones, you will be mine."

Finally, the bulk are people like the first category of newbies, who have just never completely learned the lesson they should have the first time. A little cautious, but still excitable when the right item comes up. "That is a cool dresser. I want that. Livermore isn't that far away. Oh wait, I don't have a truck. Or a friend who can help me at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday."*

Other flakegories?



*Yes, I am describing myself. But I usually figure it out before I hit "send" on my e-mail.

Mechanical Bull

"My father's company has gone out of business we can no longer afford to keep storage for the bull"

You think I don't know what you're thinking? Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "no way, dude, I want that thing bad! I'd go get it right now if it were within driving distance!"

Stop fooling yourself. No one has room for a mechanical bull in the house. And no one can afford the insurance it would cost if you were to let anyone actually get on it.

You, at insurance office: "Hi, I need to update my homeowner's insurance."
Insurance Agent: "Great, let me bring up my InstaQuote software, and we can run the numbers. What do you need an amendment to cover?"
You: "You won't believe it! I got a mechanical bull!"
Ins. Agent: "You mean, like an Urban Cowboy, ride-it-in-the-bar, faux rodeo mechanical bull?"
You: "Oh yeah! Awesome, huh?"
IA: "Uhhh . . . yeeah, neato. You may not like this, though, we call things like that 'elective dangers.' They can be kind of pricey."
You: "Whatever it takes, man. I've got some to spare. It's a mechanical bull."
Insurance dude: "OK, then. The base rate is $250 a month. Does it have any particular dangerous qualities?"
You: "Well, it's not made of razor blades, if that's what you mean [laughs]. It does have horns, though. Wouldn't be a bull without horns."
IA: "Horns? That's what we call an 'add-on risk'. With the horns, that's $400. Per month."
You: "Wow, that's kind of steep. I guess I'll have to charge. [smiles]"
IA: "Wait, you're going to have guests on the thing? That's another $250 on top."
You: "I was kidding about charging."
IA: "But guests?"
You: "Well it wouldn't be fun alone, so . . . yeah. It'll rock at parties."
IA: "I think you want to avoid parties."
You: "You've gotta be kidding, that's what it's for."
IA: "Can't have a party without drinking, right?"
You, hesitant, quietly: "suuure."
IA: "We're at $1000 a month now"
You: "Really?"
IA: "Yes."

No, no mechanical bull for you.

MacLaren Twin Traveller

"This is the 2004 model - in good shape and works fine, with a small tear in the right handle, small stain on the fabric of one seat, and fading on the hoods; includes the foot muffs and rain hood."


There is one little detail missing from this description. The noun indicating what it is. Reading the title of the post, I thought maybe it was some sort of RV trailer thing. I'm moderately interested in that sort of device, so I clicked. I saw it was a "2004 model," and figured I must be wrong. When people give away trailers, they're thirty-five years old and held together by decades of mildew. Once I finished reading this through, I guessed stroller, and I'll bet that's what it is, but who knows? It could be a golf cart, a touring motorcycle, or a moss-covered three handled family grudunza,

Microwave, Cabinet

Remember this scene from the Blair Witch Project, when the kid is standing in the corner, put there either by physical force or magical suggestion, presumably about to die in some spectacular way? Remember hoping that maybe you'd see the Witch, while knowing that they wouldn't show it because seeing it wasn't the point?

Well, all these years later, I have finally located a picture of the Blair Witch, imposing its supernatural will on yet another victim. Not quite as creepy-looking as I would have imagined:


I knew those old microwaves were dangerous . . .

UVA souvenirs from Virginia-USC football game

Final score - USC - 52, UVA 7

Souvenirs include shame, embarrassment, mortification, loss of hope, oh, and giveaway towels and 3D plastic cup.

FREE METAL

Free metal

Free metal? ALRIGHT! Just let me put on some corpsepaint and grab my Viking helmet and I’ll be right—

…on the sidewalk in front of 6664 lombard dr.

On the sidewalk, huh? Okay. I kinda like it, actually. Street mob–style. Afterward we can all go torch a church together, since we’re already outside.

first come first serve

So does that mean it’s like festival seating or what? I guess that’s cool. As long as I can get close enough to get sprayed with stage blood.

Wait, what is that? There’s a barbecue and some pipes where my free metal is supposed to go down. Someone needs to get that crap out of the way, or there won’t be any room for the decorative battle axes and severed pig heads. Seriously. Move your junk. I want my free metal.

Three Desks, Blonde Office Secretary

"Three free desks - blonde secretary style. Bring your pick-up."

Oh. Oh I see. The desks are blonde. I thought you meant that, um… You know what? Just forget it. It’s… not really important.

Nice desks.