suzuki samari

"NO DRIVE LINES, NO STEERING LINKAGE, JERRY RIGGED LIFT, you will need to tow it! Don't call & ask stupind questions!"



Please forgive me if these are "stupind" questions, but there are just a few things I need to know:

1. What?

2. Why?

3. How do you manage to misspell "samurai," a word that is surely emblazoned somewhere on the vehicle you have obviously spent a great deal of time ruining? In literally the largest type size you will ever see the word "samurai" printed in, ever?

4. Why?

5. What?

Trampoline

Not the first trampoline we've noted, but the first featuring exciting new DeathSlot* technology.



*a registered trademark of ExtremePoline, Inc.

Baby Bicycle Trailer

"Extremely worn Trailer. Barely working condition. Needs some work. Tires in good condition."





In the wake of abstinence-only education and poor access to birth control, some people are apparently resorting to extreme measures in family planning.

Boat Trailer

These decrepit trailers show up from time to time. This is a particularly nice example.

The only boat I could imagine putting aboard this trailer would be a boat owned by an archenemy. Someone who has wronged me so regularly or so spectacularly, that I would need to invent a new species of revenge dramatic enough to get his or her attention. Placing my archenemy's boat on this frail, rusted, doomed trailer just might do the trick.

Weight Set

"It has been left outside so it does have some rust but still works as it is designed to."







So it's designed for iron plates to come crashing down on the user when the rusted cables snap? That's an exercise fad I haven't heard of. I suppose getting severe tetanus would keep you from eating for a while.

Skateboard Ramp

For the parent who wants his child dead, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger: an indirect filicidal device - the deeply damaged skateboard ramp.

"You go have fun, Jesse. Daddy picked you up a skateboard ramp."
"It looks a little old, Daddy."
"Every little boy wants a skateboard ramp, Jesse. Daddy got you one. Go play."
"It's cracked and broken and has holes in it, Daddy."
"Tony Hawk could handle it Jesse. You do want to be like Tony Hawk, don't you?"
"Yeees."
"Now take your skateboard and go play."
"Oookay. Where's my helmet?"
"Helmets are for girls, Jesse. You're not a girl, are you?"
"Noooo."
"Oh, and be sure to give your brother a turn."

Gas Stove

"It was in my sister's house and she says it leaks gas so she purchased a new one. Also, she tried to repaint the top a while back and painted over the temperature numbers."

So it's utterly useless, but extraordinarily dangerous? Bifecta! I'm on hold with U-haul right now, I hope they have a truck available . . .

Large Trampoline

"Ten-year-old trampoline that needs some springs. It also has some holes in it."

Ah yes. This is a classic technique. Throwing in "has some holes" — the unfortunate feature that makes this trampoline go from borderline useless to outright dangerous — as an "also," breezily tacked on after the part about some missing springs. "Oh, by the way, it's booby-trapped, but only with a bag of piranha teeth and a few pounds of plastic explosives."

Mechanical Bull

"My father's company has gone out of business we can no longer afford to keep storage for the bull"

You think I don't know what you're thinking? Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "no way, dude, I want that thing bad! I'd go get it right now if it were within driving distance!"

Stop fooling yourself. No one has room for a mechanical bull in the house. And no one can afford the insurance it would cost if you were to let anyone actually get on it.

You, at insurance office: "Hi, I need to update my homeowner's insurance."
Insurance Agent: "Great, let me bring up my InstaQuote software, and we can run the numbers. What do you need an amendment to cover?"
You: "You won't believe it! I got a mechanical bull!"
Ins. Agent: "You mean, like an Urban Cowboy, ride-it-in-the-bar, faux rodeo mechanical bull?"
You: "Oh yeah! Awesome, huh?"
IA: "Uhhh . . . yeeah, neato. You may not like this, though, we call things like that 'elective dangers.' They can be kind of pricey."
You: "Whatever it takes, man. I've got some to spare. It's a mechanical bull."
Insurance dude: "OK, then. The base rate is $250 a month. Does it have any particular dangerous qualities?"
You: "Well, it's not made of razor blades, if that's what you mean [laughs]. It does have horns, though. Wouldn't be a bull without horns."
IA: "Horns? That's what we call an 'add-on risk'. With the horns, that's $400. Per month."
You: "Wow, that's kind of steep. I guess I'll have to charge. [smiles]"
IA: "Wait, you're going to have guests on the thing? That's another $250 on top."
You: "I was kidding about charging."
IA: "But guests?"
You: "Well it wouldn't be fun alone, so . . . yeah. It'll rock at parties."
IA: "I think you want to avoid parties."
You: "You've gotta be kidding, that's what it's for."
IA: "Can't have a party without drinking, right?"
You, hesitant, quietly: "suuure."
IA: "We're at $1000 a month now"
You: "Really?"
IA: "Yes."

No, no mechanical bull for you.

X-Ray Machine

"It is 20 years old but works just fine. I am moving offices and i need to get rid of it. If you want to use or scrap it please take it off my hands. "

Sorry for the off-axis photo, but I was falling down in astonishment when I posted this.

Really? Just anyone can have an X-Ray machine? I can just "take it off your hands"? There's no regulatory body designated to keep it from falling into the wrong hands? No licensing requirement? I can just turn it on, without training, sit there, and hope to become the Hulk? Oh, right, that was gamma rays. But there must be some sort of superhero/monster it could turn me (or some neighborhood cat) into. I hope the folks next door had the foresight to lead-line their walls. Otherwise, the man of the house may soon turn into Iodizing Radiation Victim Man.

Electric Kiln

"Needs some work"


You leave a kiln out there in the rain for a few years, and yeah, it may need some work. Of course, you could always forgo the work, and simply enjoy the inevitable electrocution. Which might be preferable to opening the electricity bill you'll receive after sparking this up. The dead leave no carbon footprint.

Buncha Salt

"I have about 50 of these bags of salt packets. Im in sort of a bind, so i need someone to come pick these up NOW.

SERIOUSLY, NOW."


If you can already see the DEA walking up your front steps from the barely-parted curtains of your upstairs bedroom window, I don’t think that a posting on Free Stuff is the best way to get rid of your “salt.”

Moped

"About a year ago, we had a fire in our parking area and my moped was burned pretty badly. The fire caused everything non-metal to burn off, the gearbox cover to partially melt, and the rest of the metal to become rusty."


Read. Look at picture. Read again. Look at picture again. Consider everything you know about mechanics, the properties of metal, the nature of rust. Look at picture again. Reflect on how many hours there are in a day, and how many you have free to devote to your moped repair hobby. Assess what you might do with the melted, rusting carcass of a former moped. Conclude that of all the things on the free stuff section, this is the one you want least.

Fender Tube Guitar Amp

"The last time I opened it up, I think I messed things up to the point where I am not comfortable turning it on anymore."


I'm a guitar player, so when I saw this, I was excited, honest to god. Not just any old free amp, but a free tube amp? Well, hell, I could put some money into fixing it and sell the thing if I didn't like it. Free tube amp. Man, that's like free unopened booze or free money. That's free at its freetastic best.

Then I read that little passage. I'm not just picturing broken beyond repair. I'd try my hand at that. This guy has apparently done something to make this risky. "You can have it if you want it, but please don't point it at me." For some reason, I'm thinking of the Large Hadron Collider, and the fear it could bring on an Earth-swallowing black hole or something. I've got an amp or two, thank you very much. You can keep the Apocalypse to yourself.

Enema Kits

"Free - - - 7-8 Fleet Enema Kits. These are unopened but have passed their expiration date. They will still do the job."


Yeah, this is too easy, so I won't say too much.

Numbers. First, I am really beginning to wonder about the job our schools do. Too many people are being left behind in math class. If the Free Stuff section has taught me something, it's that any counting task above 2 is an insurmountable challenge. This happens so much, we need a new tag for it. "How many enema kits do I have? Honestly, I'm not sure. There are a few, several, some. Bring your neighborhood mathlete and maybe we can nail it down. My son was just visiting on Labor Day break from Cornell. He thinks it's 7-8. I have to take his word for it, he's a sharp kid."

Past expiration date. The manufacturer exhorts you not to use these. They have gone bad. But what the hell does the manufacturer know? Hell, they just want you to buy more enema kits. It's for your ass, not your mouth, right? Is your ass picky? I didn't think so. Asses make do. Take the enema kits.

"They will still do the job." What job is that, poster? Oh, enemizing, ass-flushing, thanks for the image. I come to the internet looking for a free couch, and I'm forced to think about enemas. The internet is dangerous.

Unopened. Thank heaven for small favors.

Three very large batteries

"may not hold charge. each weights about 100 lbs like golf cart battery."

So . . . do I have this right?

1. They have a remarkably limited possible set of applications.
2. They are possibly inoperative.
3. They are, to be kind, unwieldy.
4. Oh, and hey! Hazardous waste! w00t!

You're another one of those people looking for free trash hauling, aren't you? You're not going to fool me this time!

Patio fire pit

"The screen does not come all the way down to the bottom and we found it was too dangerous for our hilly, windy patio."



I imagine this continuing: "We understand, however, that there are those who value their lives, their property, and the well-being of their neighbors less than we do. For you, this forest-fire-waiting-to-happen may be perfect."

I'm pretty sure this is the first Free Stuff posting I've seen with the words "too dangerous" spelled out in it. Usually I have to find them subtextually. Kudos for the forthrightness, fire pit poster.

Acetylene System

"Acetylene tanks, pressure values, gauges, hoses and cart"





Don't forget the rust, the years sitting idle, the lack of any sort of inspection, and the raw, heart-paralyzing danger. But hey, as we've said before what could possibly go wrong?

Beds in Berkeley

The students are getting ready to leave, and with that comes mass unloadings of unwieldy materials. Right now there are many futons, mattresses, and box springs available in my town. But whenever I see one, I think of this recent headline and hope they end up in the trash or in a roadside bonfire.

Barbecue

"works fine"









It's getting to be barbecue season again, and folks are looking to upgrade as the weather warms and outdoor cooking becomes more inviting.

They're also looking for suckers to take out their trash for them. This does not work fine. The bungee cord alone makes that very clear - "You just need to move that a little over . . . DAMMIT, the 300 degree top just slapped against little Jesse. I'll start the car, you scrape his charred skin off the metal." So does the extending food shelf that is clearly inadequate to the task of food shelfing - "don't put the weiners down on tha- aww, not again." Add to that the condition of the top, which looks caked in the dirt and grease of two decades of burgers, and it's conclusive. To be said to "work," a barbecue, at a minimum, must not inspire dread.

I'm applying almost every Vintage Microwave tag to this one.