NICE COUCH

I'm glad to see that the title sequence from Saved by the Bell is still finding work after all these years. You know that it beat out both Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen for the role of "Craigslist Free Couch #16."

Okay, here we go: Shoot, Screw, or Marry? Screech, Mr. Belding, this couch.

Man, talk about a rock and a hard place (and a REALLY hard place). A normal person would probably just suck it up and screw Mr. Belding, marry the couch, and, of course, shoot Screech. At least the couch is quiet and isn't, well, Screech.

But I'm going to take the million-to-one gamble on Screech's imminent, non-sex-tape-related comeback and marry him. Go big or go home, right? As for Mr. Belding and the couch, they can fight it out amongst themselves — it really makes no difference to me. Fake-marrying Screech has already got me depressed.

Shoot, Screw, or Marry: Ugly Poster Edition

Also know as “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” this classic time-passer involves deciding which of three options (usually people, but in our case, tchotchkes) to eliminate, which to shag, and which to wed in holy matrimony.

Today’s contenders!

1. Unicorn picture

“This can be categorized as a print of a unicorn or a war stallion. It is mounted and framed.”

Ah yes, the war stallion. Bravely fighting the never-ending battle against aesthetic pleasure and the ability of young children to sleep without nightmares.

2. Fuzzy poster

“About 16" x 20" Nice design. No marker set. Good condition. Ready for coloring.”

No markers? It’s not looking good for you, fuzzy poster.

3. 3D Jesus poster

“You have to relax and un-focus your eyes then the image will appear. This print is a religious scene; Christ on the cross, the tomb where he was buried, Bethlehem scene and a village scene.”

The makings of the Worst. Acid trip. Ever.

My picks? Shoot the fuzzy bullseye (easy); screw the unicorn, since it’s the most humanoid of the three (at least as far as I can tell without getting a raging headache); and marry 3D Jesus, because really, nothing would piss my dad off more than me getting hitched to a long-haired, Middle-Eastern hippie.

How about you?