Half a Surfboard

The other half has been re-purposed as the tombstone for the dead surfer who last used it.

Perhaps you know another recently passed surfer you could honor with this half. Or maybe it would make a good prosthetic whale tongue?

Trampoline

Not the first trampoline we've noted, but the first featuring exciting new DeathSlot* technology.



*a registered trademark of ExtremePoline, Inc.

Very Old Backyard Chairs

"No good for sitting, may be good for background, props for picture or movie set."




Chairs. "No good for sitting." These chairs are adrift, lost, unable to satisfy the most basic element of chair-ness. Chairs like this don't last long. Once they lose sit-ability, they lose interest in life, and die soon thereafter.

Please give these chairs something to do so they can hold on a little longer. Something to give their days meaning. Something like . . . put them in a movie. That sounds good. You do have a movie in production don't you?

Panda Mailbox

Panda mailbox my ass. That is obviously a Grizzly mailbox repainted to look like a panda.

In other news: panda mailbox?

Boat Trailer

These decrepit trailers show up from time to time. This is a particularly nice example.

The only boat I could imagine putting aboard this trailer would be a boat owned by an archenemy. Someone who has wronged me so regularly or so spectacularly, that I would need to invent a new species of revenge dramatic enough to get his or her attention. Placing my archenemy's boat on this frail, rusted, doomed trailer just might do the trick.

Skateboard Ramp

For the parent who wants his child dead, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger: an indirect filicidal device - the deeply damaged skateboard ramp.

"You go have fun, Jesse. Daddy picked you up a skateboard ramp."
"It looks a little old, Daddy."
"Every little boy wants a skateboard ramp, Jesse. Daddy got you one. Go play."
"It's cracked and broken and has holes in it, Daddy."
"Tony Hawk could handle it Jesse. You do want to be like Tony Hawk, don't you?"
"Yeees."
"Now take your skateboard and go play."
"Oookay. Where's my helmet?"
"Helmets are for girls, Jesse. You're not a girl, are you?"
"Noooo."
"Oh, and be sure to give your brother a turn."

Palm Water Fountain

Free to a good home: a beautiful cast concrete water fountain, perhaps four-feet tall, in the shape of a palm tree.

By "beautiful," he means remarkably, magically ugly. He's strange that way.

The fountain includes a well-worn fibreglass base that may have a small leak or two. It may include -- entirely at the whim and/or discretion of the current owner -- a small electric pump that powered the fountain.

"Fibreglass" - our poster must be English. That may also explain the whimsical desire to keep his intentions regarding the disposition of the pump to himself. The English are funny that way. They are also whimsically unwilling to let you know if it does have a leak. It just may.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING ITEMS CAREFULLY:

NOTE 1: The top "palm" portion of the fountain is large, extremely heavy, and may be awkward and difficult to lift and carry. It will require at least two strong persons, if not three, to lift and carry. Neither the homeowners nor their two sons will assist you in lifting, carrying and/or transporting the fountain in any way.

This loathsome fountain has already caused enough suffering in the poster's family. They won't let it add back strain to the litany of miseries it has already imposed upon them. In fact, they're giving it away in an effort to convince the eldest son to stay home. He has threatened to join the Army if the fountain is not disposed of, immediately.

NOTE 2: You are responsible for removing the fountain and its component parts from the property. The homeowner will not assist you in any way whatsoever. If you so much as ask "Hey, could you help lift that..." you will be immediately and forceably removed from the property.

I know, I repeat myself in these blog entries, but the demanding assholery of some posters is just astonishing to me. Removing this thing - which no one will agree to do, mark my words - would be a favor on the level of donating a kidney. Actually, we have two of those - this would be like donating a heart. If someone agrees to take this "fountain," you should offer pay, not a threat.

NOTE 3: Do not even think about asking for help in removing the fountain from the property. You are getting a beautiful fountain at no charge. Supply your own muscle or don't bother answering this post.

You just said that, jackass. And crack open your dictionary to make sure you understand what "beautiful" means.

Yellow Chair

Hooray!! We've found it! Our mascot! If this doesn't represent everything "Free May Not Be Cheap Enough" stands for, I don't know what does.* We're going to send him (I'm pretty sure it's a him) to school and start shipping him off to events nationwide. "Goooooo Vintage Microwave!"






*Yes, we know a microwave would seem to be a more apt mascot, but the microwaves, unsettling as they may be, never look quite this bad.

Pool Table

"Its warped and the felt is coming off."

Ever played pool? Billiards? Snooker? There's not much the table has to do. It's inert. It is simply a place where other things occur. Like a doctor, however, the pool table must heed the Hippocratic Oath - "first, do no harm." A warped pool table violates this oath. It interferes with the game - it becomes a silent opponent. It becomes . . . utterly unusable. But maybe you have a spare space of X cubic feet you want to fill. God knows this is a good use of it. You can be an amateur landfill operator, and this can be your first trashquisition!

Book

"How to Meet and Work with Spirit Guides"

The meeting part is relatively easy. Frequent spirit guide bars. Late night grocery shopping in the spirit guide aisle. Workout at the spirit guide gym. If things are tough, join SpiritGuideHookup.com. Some people don't know these things, so the book may come in handy.

But the real payoff here is the portion on how to work with spirit guides. They're sensitive, prone to prima donna-ism, and occasionally real assholes. Recommendations include: (1) Bring your spirit guide coffee and a danish before you head out, (2) Be sure to comment favorably on your spirit guide's outfit, (3) Avoid your spirit guide's gaze - it may perceive that as a challenge, and (4) Most importantly, just pick up the bill at lunch. You can write it off later.

Gas Stove

"It was in my sister's house and she says it leaks gas so she purchased a new one. Also, she tried to repaint the top a while back and painted over the temperature numbers."

So it's utterly useless, but extraordinarily dangerous? Bifecta! I'm on hold with U-haul right now, I hope they have a truck available . . .

Vegetarian Packets

"I have some vegetarian awareness packets if anyone wants them to distribute."


Won't someone think of the children? They must be warned - the vegetarians walk among us. To stay vegetarian aware, know this:

"Keep your eyes open, beware the pallid and thin-skinned."

"They refer to themselves as 'your fathers and sons, your mothers and daughters.' Don't be fooled. They are not like us. They are vegetarians. God's mortal enemies."

"Beware the vegetarian agenda. They are recruiting to their ranks"

"They try to portray vegetarians as victims, not as aggressive challengers."

"They seek to make their victimizers look bad, and to get funds from corporate America."

"The vegetarians use tactics that are remarkably similar to the brainwashing methods of Mao Tse-Tung's Communist Chinese -- mixed with Madison Avenue's most persuasive selling techniques."

Vegetarian awareness. Now and forever.

-----

Yes, of course, we know, by "vegetarian awareness packets," the poster means pamphlets encouraging people to become vegetarian. But . . . really? To hand out to friends and colleagues? To be the crazy guy on the corner exhorting the heathens - electively and gratis? Come on.

BBQ

Here comes summertime! Gimme a dog!


Wait you're gonna cook it on that? I thought that was just a prop for your haunted house last Halloween. I'll just stick to beer.

totaled 98 BMW M3

"You come haul off, clear title."

Clear title? THANK GOD. I would hate to find out that there was something terribly, terribly wrong with this car, like flood damage or unusually high mileage. PHEW.

Display Piece Non-Functional Dressers

"We have two display pieces. Wood covered in felt with draw pulls and studs. They look like dressers but the drawers are not functional and stick out for display purpose. Must take both. They are large and heavy you will need two people to move them"

Not dressers, mind you, but felt-covered, studded dresser simulacra. To satisfy your many felt-covered, studded dresser simulacra needs.

Perhaps you run a BDSM dungeon, and want to torture your slave with some Sisyphean so-close-and-yet-so-far lure of being able to place something in the dresser. "Slave, put my bustiere away! What do you mean it won't go in? You dare disobey? Put the bustiere in the dresser. Stop your whimpering!"

That's not a use you see in your future? Well, I'm sure you'll find something to do with two felt-covered, studded, dresser simulacra. Must take both.

X-Ray Machine

"It is 20 years old but works just fine. I am moving offices and i need to get rid of it. If you want to use or scrap it please take it off my hands. "

Sorry for the off-axis photo, but I was falling down in astonishment when I posted this.

Really? Just anyone can have an X-Ray machine? I can just "take it off your hands"? There's no regulatory body designated to keep it from falling into the wrong hands? No licensing requirement? I can just turn it on, without training, sit there, and hope to become the Hulk? Oh, right, that was gamma rays. But there must be some sort of superhero/monster it could turn me (or some neighborhood cat) into. I hope the folks next door had the foresight to lead-line their walls. Otherwise, the man of the house may soon turn into Iodizing Radiation Victim Man.

Punk Rock Filing Cabinet

"Metal file cabinet with lots of punk rock band stickers"

Because there's nothing quite as punk as storing your important papers in an orderly fashion.

Patriotic Beanie Babies

I know, you're expecting some sardonic, arch comments about the failure of 1990's consumerism, and its encapsulation in the mere idea of "patriotic Beanie Babies," but no, that's not our interest here. Instead, we're astonished and impressed by the procedural strictures this poster places on those who would acquire these "PBBs". The post consists, primarily, of the following:

"MUST include both name and number. Parking is unpredictable after 5pm. Please ONLY request items the night before or the morning of your planned pickup time. I cannot hold items. To be fair to those on my waiting list, if I don't hear from you within 2 hours of your scheduled pickup time, I will offer the item(s) to the next person on the list."

I can't help but feel that the White House Social Secretary would have trouble keeping track of the many protocols imposed by this poster. I'm reminded of the analytical sections of various standardized tests: "An accountancy firm has a staff of five, Messrs. Albert, Burns, Calogero, Defeo, and Evans. The national accounting society sponsors exactly five conferences, which the employees attend, subject to the following constraints: If Mr. Albert attends a conference, then Mr. Defeo does not attend it. If Mr. Burns attends a conference, then either Mr. Calogero or Mr. Defeo, but not both, attends it . . ."

If BeanieBabiesiana were my thing, I think I might prefer to resort to eBay and spending a few bucks, instead of reliving the LSAT trying to navigate this poster's rules.

Opened White Wine

"We have 4 bottles of opened, mostly full wine leftover from Thanksgiving, pretty decent but we're not big wine people, and it seems like a waste to just pour them down the drain."


Another member of the Vintage Microwave Action Team had a simple, visceral response to this one - "what is wrong with people?"* Ultimately, that's what we're always asking here, isn't it?

The only people who would respond to this post are the ones you least want to give your address to.



*Later amended to: "let's go get that."

Drum Shell

"Email communication only, please."





What were the other possible means of communicating with you, drum shell poster? Your post contains the craigslist auto-anon e-mail address, and nothing else - because that's all you put there. Mission accomplished. No emphatic further assertions required. You cleverly left out your physical address. You omitted your phone number. Done! You're safe. We can't send a pigeon your way, or a message in a bottle. You give e-mail. We have e-mail. E-mail it is.

What kinds of tricks do you suspect we have up our sleeves? It's the fillings, isn't it? You want us to stop sending pick-up requests through your molars. Well, OK, I guess, but that's my preferred means of communication.