Old Wicker Furniture

"The rocking chair and settee are very very old."

Very, very old. Like, Civil War old. In fact, I'm pretty sure this furniture fought in the Civil War. I don't know where that hole could have come from other than the Battle of Gettysburg.

Old Chair

We considered posting a picture or two of something mummified to compare this too, but the pictures of mummies were a little grosser than we like to be. This chair is all the gross we can handle.


Beware its curse: "As for all men who shall sit here . . . there will be judgment . . . an end shall be made for him . . . I shall seize his neck like a bird . . . I shall cast the fear of myself into him."

Consider it done. We're already afraid.

Chair

This is one of those free postings that make me appreciate the place of the philosopher in modern society. I'm pretty sure a dissertation - a master's thesis at the very least - could be written on whether and under what conditions this item can be called a chair. Maybe something like, with hat tip to Zizek, "this Deleuzian chair is, of course, not simply outside non-chairness; rather, in the 'stratigraphic' superimposition, in this moment of chairfulness, it is CHAIR ITSELF which we experience, but in contrast, chair as opposed to the evolutionary flow of things WITHIN the chair domain." I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's something like "there's no effing way this counts as a chair."

Boat

"Perfect for boat races!"

Obviously, this will need a part or two (or 334) before it's perfect for anything, but that aside, what about this semi-boat makes it seem especially race-worthy? If anything, it looks like a pretty non-hydrodynamic example of boatdom. Why is it any more perfect for a boat race than, say, this motorcycle frame is for motorcycle races?



Or this trashcan is for trashcan races?

Dresser

Look, it's OK. We get it. You got very angry at your dresser, you beat the hell out of it, and now none of the pieces fit together. It's tilted to the side, and the drawers are useless. You're sorry; you wish you hadn't, and that's all well and good, but look - you have to deal with the aftermath yourself. Don't try to enlist the help of strangers to get you out of this mess. You got yourself into it, you get yourself out. Go get an axe. Or maybe some lighter fluid.

Cabover Camper

Honey, let's go camping! By "camping," I mean admitting that we have failed in every possible way, and that we deserve only the worst of everything.

kids recliner

"Mechanics work but upholstery is bad."

Of course the upholstery is bad. Kids will be kids, falling asleep with lit cigarettes in hand.

We have some friends who are pregnant, and we are sorely tempted to haul this to the baby shower, along with some kids' beer and a subsciption to Kids' Playboy.

MODULAR MOBILE OFFICE TRAILER

"FREE TO A GOOD HOME!!!! "










The only possible use for this would be playing the role of the field office in Blair Witch 3: The Blair Witch Construction Project. In this installment, the Blair Witch continues to terrorize the Maryland wilderness, this time through the erection of depressing subdivisions.

Adult swing

"The animals are making a nest from part of it. Simple repair to a corner and it's still very good"






Not what I was expecting, based on the title. THANK. GOD.

And yet? Still gross.

Antique Mantle

"In my old home, I put it against a wall and put candles all around underneath it to simulate a fireplace - was very lovely."

Thanks for the suggestion, but if it weren't for ideas like that, perhaps you'd still be living in your "old home," and this would still be the "mantle" you claim it is, rather than a charred piece of trash.

Very Old Backyard Chairs

"No good for sitting, may be good for background, props for picture or movie set."




Chairs. "No good for sitting." These chairs are adrift, lost, unable to satisfy the most basic element of chair-ness. Chairs like this don't last long. Once they lose sit-ability, they lose interest in life, and die soon thereafter.

Please give these chairs something to do so they can hold on a little longer. Something to give their days meaning. Something like . . . put them in a movie. That sounds good. You do have a movie in production don't you?

Awning

"Come take it down and it's yours!"





What a find. Just what I've been looking for. A hideous 1960's or so metal awning. About a year ago, I helped a friend take one of these rusted, mildewed, ugly hulks off his house. I'm still expecting tetanus symptoms to show up. It didn't occur to my friend to try to get someone to take the awning down for him by offering it for "free." He had a clear sense that it was an object of pure trash value, and bought me lunch and a beer for the help.

I look forward to future posts from this poster. "Asbestos insulation, come take it down and it's yours!" "Broken water heater circa 1963. Come take it down and it's yours!" "Dead oak tree in back yard. Accessible only by helicopter or enormous crane. Come take it down and it's yours!"

Boat Trailer

These decrepit trailers show up from time to time. This is a particularly nice example.

The only boat I could imagine putting aboard this trailer would be a boat owned by an archenemy. Someone who has wronged me so regularly or so spectacularly, that I would need to invent a new species of revenge dramatic enough to get his or her attention. Placing my archenemy's boat on this frail, rusted, doomed trailer just might do the trick.

"Antique" Vacuum Cleaner

"This is a 1960s or 1970s Kirby vaccum cleaner...had it tuned up and it worked for a while. It works a bit but not great for our needs."


It may be true that there are purists out there. People so committed to a "vintage" lifestyle that everything they touch must have some old-timey cred. God knows I love my mid-century furniture, and an early 60's Ford Falcon is a thing to behold, but there are limits to my - and I presume anyone's - willingness to live in the past.

Some items have been improved and have developed with time in a way that can't be ignored in pursuit of period realism. I don't want to cook my food in a 1960's microwave. I don't want my dentist to work on my teeth with a 1960's drill. I don't want to pay the electricity bill for a 1960's air conditioner. And I don't want to vacuum up my dog's hair with a 1960's vacuum that "works a bit."

Skateboard Ramp

For the parent who wants his child dead, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger: an indirect filicidal device - the deeply damaged skateboard ramp.

"You go have fun, Jesse. Daddy picked you up a skateboard ramp."
"It looks a little old, Daddy."
"Every little boy wants a skateboard ramp, Jesse. Daddy got you one. Go play."
"It's cracked and broken and has holes in it, Daddy."
"Tony Hawk could handle it Jesse. You do want to be like Tony Hawk, don't you?"
"Yeees."
"Now take your skateboard and go play."
"Oookay. Where's my helmet?"
"Helmets are for girls, Jesse. You're not a girl, are you?"
"Noooo."
"Oh, and be sure to give your brother a turn."

Pigeon Coop

The foreclosure crisis reaches our feathered friends.

Yellow Chair

Hooray!! We've found it! Our mascot! If this doesn't represent everything "Free May Not Be Cheap Enough" stands for, I don't know what does.* We're going to send him (I'm pretty sure it's a him) to school and start shipping him off to events nationwide. "Goooooo Vintage Microwave!"






*Yes, we know a microwave would seem to be a more apt mascot, but the microwaves, unsettling as they may be, never look quite this bad.

Refrigerator

"Free mustard colored fridge! A little dated but works nonetheless!"

A little dated? I think this came with the Brady home when Mike and Carol bought it in in the late '60's. It made sense to have a fridge like this when California's population was half what it is now, and electricity demand was more easily met. But these days, plugging this in will require a new hydroelectric dam, sealing off another river emptying into the Pacific. As you think about taking this, please think about the salmon.

Pool Table

"Its warped and the felt is coming off."

Ever played pool? Billiards? Snooker? There's not much the table has to do. It's inert. It is simply a place where other things occur. Like a doctor, however, the pool table must heed the Hippocratic Oath - "first, do no harm." A warped pool table violates this oath. It interferes with the game - it becomes a silent opponent. It becomes . . . utterly unusable. But maybe you have a spare space of X cubic feet you want to fill. God knows this is a good use of it. You can be an amateur landfill operator, and this can be your first trashquisition!

Telephone Poles

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 was a sham. Designed to open up the proprietary lines of the telecom giants, allowing spunky start-ups to compete, it never really worked. Jeff's Phone Co. was never able to make any real money, and never provided a real service - it was just a billing agent. AT&T has re-formed, and telephony is back to regional monopoly status.

Until now. Here's what we always needed. Not an illusory opening up of AT&T facilities, but a real, physical alternative. A separate system of lines, switching stations and - most importantly - telephone poles. Sure, with these poles, we'll only be able to establish a network about half a block long. But it's a start. "The mouse that roared" will be the company's slogan. We'll genetically engineer a mouse/lion hybrid to be our mascot. But that may be getting ahead of ourselves.