X-Ray Machine

"It is 20 years old but works just fine. I am moving offices and i need to get rid of it. If you want to use or scrap it please take it off my hands. "

Sorry for the off-axis photo, but I was falling down in astonishment when I posted this.

Really? Just anyone can have an X-Ray machine? I can just "take it off your hands"? There's no regulatory body designated to keep it from falling into the wrong hands? No licensing requirement? I can just turn it on, without training, sit there, and hope to become the Hulk? Oh, right, that was gamma rays. But there must be some sort of superhero/monster it could turn me (or some neighborhood cat) into. I hope the folks next door had the foresight to lead-line their walls. Otherwise, the man of the house may soon turn into Iodizing Radiation Victim Man.

Punk Rock Filing Cabinet

"Metal file cabinet with lots of punk rock band stickers"

Because there's nothing quite as punk as storing your important papers in an orderly fashion.

Shoot, Screw, or Marry: Ugly Poster Edition

Also know as “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” this classic time-passer involves deciding which of three options (usually people, but in our case, tchotchkes) to eliminate, which to shag, and which to wed in holy matrimony.

Today’s contenders!

1. Unicorn picture

“This can be categorized as a print of a unicorn or a war stallion. It is mounted and framed.”

Ah yes, the war stallion. Bravely fighting the never-ending battle against aesthetic pleasure and the ability of young children to sleep without nightmares.

2. Fuzzy poster

“About 16" x 20" Nice design. No marker set. Good condition. Ready for coloring.”

No markers? It’s not looking good for you, fuzzy poster.

3. 3D Jesus poster

“You have to relax and un-focus your eyes then the image will appear. This print is a religious scene; Christ on the cross, the tomb where he was buried, Bethlehem scene and a village scene.”

The makings of the Worst. Acid trip. Ever.

My picks? Shoot the fuzzy bullseye (easy); screw the unicorn, since it’s the most humanoid of the three (at least as far as I can tell without getting a raging headache); and marry 3D Jesus, because really, nothing would piss my dad off more than me getting hitched to a long-haired, Middle-Eastern hippie.

How about you?

Christmas Wreath

"We're Buddhist now. Don't need this one anymore."




So, Siddartha told you your front door looked better naked?

The need to justify unloading something is beyond me. Really, you don't have to renounce Christianity to get rid of this. It is one ugly fake holly beast. But at least the ribbon is depressing.

Happy holidays, folks.

Electric Kiln

"Needs some work"


You leave a kiln out there in the rain for a few years, and yeah, it may need some work. Of course, you could always forgo the work, and simply enjoy the inevitable electrocution. Which might be preferable to opening the electricity bill you'll receive after sparking this up. The dead leave no carbon footprint.

Microwave, Cabinet

Remember this scene from the Blair Witch Project, when the kid is standing in the corner, put there either by physical force or magical suggestion, presumably about to die in some spectacular way? Remember hoping that maybe you'd see the Witch, while knowing that they wouldn't show it because seeing it wasn't the point?

Well, all these years later, I have finally located a picture of the Blair Witch, imposing its supernatural will on yet another victim. Not quite as creepy-looking as I would have imagined:


I knew those old microwaves were dangerous . . .

Patriotic Beanie Babies

I know, you're expecting some sardonic, arch comments about the failure of 1990's consumerism, and its encapsulation in the mere idea of "patriotic Beanie Babies," but no, that's not our interest here. Instead, we're astonished and impressed by the procedural strictures this poster places on those who would acquire these "PBBs". The post consists, primarily, of the following:

"MUST include both name and number. Parking is unpredictable after 5pm. Please ONLY request items the night before or the morning of your planned pickup time. I cannot hold items. To be fair to those on my waiting list, if I don't hear from you within 2 hours of your scheduled pickup time, I will offer the item(s) to the next person on the list."

I can't help but feel that the White House Social Secretary would have trouble keeping track of the many protocols imposed by this poster. I'm reminded of the analytical sections of various standardized tests: "An accountancy firm has a staff of five, Messrs. Albert, Burns, Calogero, Defeo, and Evans. The national accounting society sponsors exactly five conferences, which the employees attend, subject to the following constraints: If Mr. Albert attends a conference, then Mr. Defeo does not attend it. If Mr. Burns attends a conference, then either Mr. Calogero or Mr. Defeo, but not both, attends it . . ."

If BeanieBabiesiana were my thing, I think I might prefer to resort to eBay and spending a few bucks, instead of reliving the LSAT trying to navigate this poster's rules.

Loveseat

Would that Yochabel had floated Moses down the Nile in this baby, rather than that glorified walnut shell. Not only would it have been more comfortable for the infant Deliverer, but also much harder for that bitch Memnet to hide in her robe for thirty-odd years than a scrap of Levite cloth.

China Cabinet

"no driveway, on hill, lot of stairs"

I'm starting to sense a move towards artisanal, pocket-sized reality shows. "Let's see if anyone can get this off our property. Get the Flip and start shooting. We'll put it on youtube and see if we get a development deal out of Bravo. If not, we can just watch it ourselves."

Snowmobile

"72 Arctic Cat. Does not run. No paperwork."


It is a banner week for the useless and burdensome.


Perhaps this is region-specific, but in case you don't know, it never snows in the San Francisco Bay Area. Well, OK, once every 100 years we get a dusting, but really, it never snows. So to be interested in a snowmobile, you have to really be committed to the craft of snowmobiling. You need a trailer and probably a truck, and you need to drive for a few hours to find some sort of snowmobile ranch, where you and your fellow aficionados can discuss the finer points of snowmobiling over hot chocolate when you're not out doing the thing itself, the snowmobiling you love so very much. Presumably, if you're that guy, the one who thinks snowmobile when you think recreation, the one with a poster of snowmachiner extraordinaire Todd Palin out in the garage, you're going to want a more recent snowmobile, one less than 36 years old. You may also be interested in having one that, say, works. I think you should let this one go.

This is equivalent to offering a free, inoperative boat to someone in the desert. Or a free, brokedown car to someone in a dense, impassable jungle.

Cracked Marble Table

"Cracked Marble Table is yours if you can take it away. It's a really heavy table, so you'll need a few friends and a big truck to move it. Weight is approximately 700 pounds."


I repeat. Cracked. 700 pounds. Apparently, I spoke too soon. 10 foot satellite dish, you have met your match.

Electric Hospital Bed

"Come on honey, let's play 'Infirmary' again. I've been waiting all week."



"Jeff, I lied when I said I was ok with this. And I'd like to be able to get to the bookshelf in the study."

"I think you mean, 'in the infirmary.'"

"OK, I'm going out for awhile. We can talk later."

10 Foot Satellite Dish

"It is on single story roof, you need to dismantle and remove. It was replaced by Direct TV."

I am tempted to write nothing here. I mean, it speaks for itself, right? What can I add to the sublime absurdity of trying to give away a 10 FOOT satellite dish in 2008? Perhaps it could be used as a roof for a shed; turned upside down to make a retro-futurist gazebo. Maybe Paul Bunyan needs a frisbee. If you want this, you might also be interested in:

"Enormous 1977 Magnavox Console TV. Long obsolete, will be unusable in February. You will need a truck and three people to move. It was replaced by a delightful 37" HD LCD. Make my problem yours."

I'm at a loss. I'm trying, but really can't blue-sky-imagine anything equally burdensome and useless. This is the unimpeachable apex of burdensome uselessness. I tip my hat.

Lamp Shade

"This lamp shade is in perfect condition."


Sure, if "mossy" is how you define "perfect." While I'm a fan of the novel and environmentally sound Living Roof, I'm not sure I want it in my living room.

Ch-ch-ch-Chia . . .

Chicken Coop House

Didn't we just pass Proposition Two here in California to outlaw this sort of thing?

If I'm eating the eggs, I want to know the accommodations were a little spiffier.