Opened White Wine

"We have 4 bottles of opened, mostly full wine leftover from Thanksgiving, pretty decent but we're not big wine people, and it seems like a waste to just pour them down the drain."


Another member of the Vintage Microwave Action Team had a simple, visceral response to this one - "what is wrong with people?"* Ultimately, that's what we're always asking here, isn't it?

The only people who would respond to this post are the ones you least want to give your address to.



*Later amended to: "let's go get that."

Iron Rite Mangle

"This is a ironing machine (Mangle) from the 1940s or 1950s it still works"



If you're like us (and we know you are), you find this intriguing. You don't have use for this enormous, obsolete laundry tool, but you think "mangle? Never heard of that. I wonder if the word 'mangle', as in 'to do some calamitous physical harm' originated with laundry workers using this thing and getting caught in the mechanism. That would be cool. Etymology works that way sometimes, right?"

Well, prepare to be disappointed. The Vintage Microwave Library is fortunate to contain a compact OED, and research has been done. The "mangle" we're all familiar with, the verb meaning "to leave you wishing you were dead," dates to at least the late 14th Century. The nominal form, for a "wringer," doesn't appear until the late 16th Century. More important, they seem to derive from different languages; no common root is shared. True homonymy.

Athletic Socks

Your soft focus and arty "they could be anemones" photographic approach notwithstanding, these are still used socks. No one with internet access wants used socks. There may be a village in Taliban-occupied Pakistan where they might come in handy, but shipping them to the trash can will be much cheaper.

Modular Trailer

Less a usable shed than an opportunity to really, REally, REALLY irritate your neighbors. "How do you like it, Fred? We needed a little storage space back here, and this really fit the bill. Your roses won't get the morning light anymore, but your tax bill will probably go down."

Dining Cabinet/Hutch

For your mead hall. Bring a goodly number of swain to assist in moving.

Kids Shoes

"Kids shoes (NOT pairs) for crafts. I have about 100 new children's shoes - not in pairs. Great for arts projects like decoration Xmas tree or a playground or for learning purposes."


-You know, for crafts. "Like decoration Xmas tree." I use shoes for all my ornaments. They help emphasize the poignant shoe-y-ness of Xmas. The baby Jesus could have worn these. Did they have laces 2k years ago? Stop asking questions, and gaze upon the manifold children's shoes of Xmas.

-Don't celebrate Xmas? You're one of them? No problem. These are also great for "a playground." Perhaps you can replace the sand in the sandbox with 100 children's shoes. The kids can make shoe castles. Watch out they don't get shoe in their eyes.

- Finally, if the injuries resulting from kids throwing shoes at each other limit the viability of the playground option, try "learning purposes." I have the teacher's manual right here: This is a shoe. This is two shoes. This is three shoes . . .

1940's Fridge

This really should have been listed a month ago. The poster might have had some success with the Halloween crowd: "Scary fridge - free! Store fake body parts and keep your 'bucket of blood' punch nice and cool!"

Unfortunately, now that Halloween is over, the only people who will respond are ones who want to store real body parts and blood. Fridge? Or "Saw" movie prop? Sometimes, when I look at the picture, I think I see the ghosts of children who suffocated in that thing.

Two Sofas For Free!!

"Both in good condition."

But please be warned that, like the colorful Siamese fighting fish, these sofas must be kept in separate quarters, lest they battle to the death.

Styrofoam packing peanuts

Thanks for the picture, dude. I wasn't sure what you meant.

Dental Patient Chair

So you mean, a chair that IS a dental patient? This one doesn't take much to anthropomorphize. "Dude, come on, give me a minute. I'm scared of drills, ok? Is that a crime? Let the damned gas hit me first, before you come at me with that shit. Alright, I'm counin bahward, 8, 5, 4, euhngnhh . . . "

ABOVE GROUND POOL W/LADDER (12 MILES EAST OF THE AIRPORT ON HWY 71)

"THE FIRST ONE TO COME FOR IT GETS IT. IT'S A 15 FT ROUND ABOVE GROUND POOL. IT COMES WITH LADDER, PUMP, & PLUGS--EVERYTHING YOU NEED. IT HAS BEEN UNDER OUR MOBILE HOME FOR 2 YEARS AND WILL NEED A GOOD SCRUBBING BEFORE USE."


Nice try, above-ground pool poster. You can create all the diversions you want — the ladder placed distractingly in the foreground, the all-caps typing, the extraneous information about this soi-disant pool's distance from the airport — but you’re not going to keep anyone from noticing that heap of trash in the background, nor the fact that this “pool,” after its two-year residency under your trailer (thanks for being up front about that, by the way), now apparently lives under the freeway.

Thanks, but I think I saw a puddle of antifreeze in the Walmart parking lot that I’d rather swim in.

couch

“still in good condtion other than seat cushion needs replaced.”








Um, sure. Just like John McCain’s chances of winning the presidency are in good condition (er, “condtion”) other than all the losing, Cindy McCain isn’t stoned out of her mind, other than all the horse tranquilizers, and Levi McHockeyprick is still going to make an honest woman out of Bristol Palin, other than the fact that he’s kayaking across the Bering Strait right now, “for, um, a hockey game. Yeah, we’ve got a game, babe! What? Oh of course I’m coming back! I’ll totally be back in a few days. By Thanksgiv — New Year’s for sure. I’ll text you. If I get any reception in Siberia.”

Lawnmower

"Condition viewable in pic. No not stolen, No I don't know ANYTHING about it. Working on it/exploring the insides in my yard is not okay. Get it and go. I don't have time to babysit ra[n]dom people in my yard"

While we see a fair amount of attitude in Free Stuff posts ("it's free, what do you want?"), I like a post that not only wants you to perform the enormous favor of removing trash from someone's home (this lawnmower is trash by any definition), but feels comfortable saying "fuck you!" while asking.