Sunday, August 3, 2008

Peterson's Catholic High School Entrance Exam Book

"If your child is planning to take the Catholic High School exam in Jan. This is a great book for practicing the exams."

Sample questions:

Q1: Who is God?

a) A giant white guy with a long, flowing beard
b) A disembodied presence inextricable from everything in the universe
c) A woman named Gaia, often depicted wearing leaves and various other natural objects
d) A multi-armed character with an unpronounceable name

Answer: a - bingo, you're in.

If you answered b, we wish you luck at a small private school that doesn't assign grades, but regularly celebrates your personhood.

If you answered c, your mother would feel bad you weren't in public school - it just wouldn't work out.

If you answered d, well, your people have private schools of their own, don't they?

Q6: Resolved - Jesus is awesome. Why?

a) Turned water into wine, etc.
b) Wore toga-style thing, nice beard, long hair
c) Loves his brothers, peace, and the meek
d) Jesus is my brother's name

Answer: A, yet again. Here at Catholic School, we call undocumentable nifty tricks "miracles" and value them above pretty much everything else.

If you answered b, that's a close second, we dig that stuff, too. In any event, you'll do well at college, on fraternity row.

If you answered c, you've misunderstood the whole Jesus thing. Late era thinking really discounts this side of him. That's for the Unitarians. They don't have schools, but they do have the meek thing down.

Was d your answer? Call us again when your jurisdiction offers school vouchers.

Q14: The Holy Trinity consists of:

a) Notre Dame, Georgetown, and Boston College
b) Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, and Robert Parrish
c) The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit
d) All of the above

Answer: d. You are entering not only a school, or a religion, but an entire culture. It may seem as though a "trinity" could not contain nine elements, but that is one of God's mysterious ways, as revealed through the Church, by way of headmaster the Reverend Monsignor Flannery.


Anonymous said...

I really don't know how I lived before Vintage Microwave.

Kudos, Sir (and/or Madam). You have changed the world in no small way. I'm wiping a tear away as I type this, really.

... No, but seriously. Thanks.

Orrin said...

This is Classic VM. Maybe you think you haven't been around long enough to be Classic yet, but it is. In fact, some day I will wistfully refer to this post as vintage Vintage Microwave ("before they got all full of themselves and started sucking").