Orange Couch

This looks like a picture taken in the living room of an apartment occupied by the family of the Director of North Korea's Central Statistics Bureau.

Astronomy Magazine from 1979 - 1982

"I have 30 or 40 very old copies of Astronomy Magazine."

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Cover stories include:

"Planets Beyond Earth ?!"

"When they Arrive, What Should We Call Them? A Roundtable on the Possible Offensiveness of the Term 'Martian'"

"Telescopes So Advanced, You'll See What Kind of Cheese."

"In the Lifestyle Section - Pink Floyd and the Wizard of Oz - the Real Dark Side of The Moon."

"Faceoff - Astronomy vs. Astrology: Who Will Have the Last Laugh?"

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In retrospect we needed a new tag for this kind of thing months ago . . .

Safety Glasses

Yes, the first thought is "that's a lot of safety glasses," and we wonder about the possibility that someone would wear different ones for different moods or occasions, like one would wear a different shirt.

My second thought, and perhaps this just says something about me, is that in the dark room with the harsh light and the dreary, worn set of drawers, these safety glasses were used primarily to protect the eyes from blood spatter and the occasional flying bone chip.

Large Trampoline

"Ten-year-old trampoline that needs some springs. It also has some holes in it."

Ah yes. This is a classic technique. Throwing in "has some holes" — the unfortunate feature that makes this trampoline go from borderline useless to outright dangerous — as an "also," breezily tacked on after the part about some missing springs. "Oh, by the way, it's booby-trapped, but only with a bag of piranha teeth and a few pounds of plastic explosives."

Mechanical Bull

"My father's company has gone out of business we can no longer afford to keep storage for the bull"

You think I don't know what you're thinking? Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "no way, dude, I want that thing bad! I'd go get it right now if it were within driving distance!"

Stop fooling yourself. No one has room for a mechanical bull in the house. And no one can afford the insurance it would cost if you were to let anyone actually get on it.

You, at insurance office: "Hi, I need to update my homeowner's insurance."
Insurance Agent: "Great, let me bring up my InstaQuote software, and we can run the numbers. What do you need an amendment to cover?"
You: "You won't believe it! I got a mechanical bull!"
Ins. Agent: "You mean, like an Urban Cowboy, ride-it-in-the-bar, faux rodeo mechanical bull?"
You: "Oh yeah! Awesome, huh?"
IA: "Uhhh . . . yeeah, neato. You may not like this, though, we call things like that 'elective dangers.' They can be kind of pricey."
You: "Whatever it takes, man. I've got some to spare. It's a mechanical bull."
Insurance dude: "OK, then. The base rate is $250 a month. Does it have any particular dangerous qualities?"
You: "Well, it's not made of razor blades, if that's what you mean [laughs]. It does have horns, though. Wouldn't be a bull without horns."
IA: "Horns? That's what we call an 'add-on risk'. With the horns, that's $400. Per month."
You: "Wow, that's kind of steep. I guess I'll have to charge. [smiles]"
IA: "Wait, you're going to have guests on the thing? That's another $250 on top."
You: "I was kidding about charging."
IA: "But guests?"
You: "Well it wouldn't be fun alone, so . . . yeah. It'll rock at parties."
IA: "I think you want to avoid parties."
You: "You've gotta be kidding, that's what it's for."
IA: "Can't have a party without drinking, right?"
You, hesitant, quietly: "suuure."
IA: "We're at $1000 a month now"
You: "Really?"
IA: "Yes."

No, no mechanical bull for you.

Lean Ground Beef 5 pounds

These may be our favorite posting category: Unwanted, partially used perishables. Appetizing!

I bought one of those large rolls of lean ground beef at Cala Foods for around $12 a few days ago. I don't like this meat not really being a beef eater

I'm not big on meat, but thought I'd buy it in great quantity anyway.

but don't want to throw it away.

I'd hate to waste something I hate. And remember, it's only a few days old. Meat doesn't go bad, right?

I have a little less than half left.

You can still see where my fingers dug into the pile of meat and separated out the half I used. It's "lived in" - the gastronomic version of a dusty, foreclosed home, with children's toys fading in the sun in the overgrown backyard.

I also have the meat loaf I made with it I don't want either.

Make that "super-lived in." I'm not a very good cook. In fact, I can't bring myself to eat my own cooking. But you're welcome to my poorly prepared meal made with, by-now-days-old used meat. You do know how meatloaf is kneaded together, right? I don't think there's a molecule in here that doesn't have my fingerprints on it. Watch out for the occasional hair. Once you've eaten it, we'll be like family.

You can feed it to your dog perhaps?

If you're not interested in being like family. And hate your dog.

It was made with a little quaker oats and tomato sauce, (no salt or spices).

I told you I was a bad cook. Your dog likes tomato sauce, right?

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Have we really come to this?

Breakfast

"Times are tough. I don't have much money to offer but I can cook you a nice English breakfast."


We've seen this free meal thing before. I am again struck by the astonishingly uncomfortable social situation this will inevitably create. "Yeah, I'm here for the breakfast. I've got to get home soon, though. Can I take it to go?" "Why in such a hurry, have a seat! Can I get you some coffee."

This poster is either profoundly lonely, or a kidnapper-to-be.

But kudos on taking a picture of breakfast, just to try to sell your charitable act that little bit better.

BBQ

Here comes summertime! Gimme a dog!


Wait you're gonna cook it on that? I thought that was just a prop for your haunted house last Halloween. I'll just stick to beer.

Comfy Chair

Dude! Am I melting? Or is it the wooooorrllld?

Four New Red Curtains

The first draft of the subject line read: "Misshapen, Discolored Rags," but they figured they'd get no takers. Decided pure fiction was a better approach.

totaled 98 BMW M3

"You come haul off, clear title."

Clear title? THANK GOD. I would hate to find out that there was something terribly, terribly wrong with this car, like flood damage or unusually high mileage. PHEW.

Chair

"Please take the chair"



We would be doing you a favor wouldn't we? What will your next posts request? "Please take the chilly draft that comes in through the bedroom window." "Please take the crippling student loan debt." "Please take the emotional scars my mother left on my tender psyche as a child." "Please take the recently diagnosed terminal illness." Anything else we can take on for you? We all have our crosses to bear. Yours is apparently that chair. Nut up.

VHS 38 Standard Movies

"38 movies, like Castaway, Star Wars, Storm Troopers, etc."

Because who doesn't want a stash of VHS movies? You still have a VHS player hooked up, right?

But that's the easy part. "Storm Troopers"? A "standard movie"?* A quick peek at IMDB.com indicates that there was a movie called "Storm Troopers U.S.A." made in 1969, but I've never heard of it, which militates against a conclusion that it's "standard."

So if you want some VHS movies, including incredibly obscure rarities, you should get in touch. There's valuable stuff on the Free Stuff section after all!


*what is a "standard movie" anyway?

note to VM debunkers: yes, yes, we know the poster is probably just mis-naming some part of the Star Wars franchise, or Starship Troopers. But that's not funny.

Couch

You wanna know where the money is? I'll tell you where it is, sonny - where the sun don't shine. I'm not sayin' nothin', see? I been in the joint before, you can't scare me. I got my honor to protect, and squealin' ain't my style.

Typewriter, electric

"Circa 1980's Brother Correct-O-Ball electric typewriter. Does not function correctly. I attempted to type the old line... "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs." Many of the characters were incorrect, perhaps 25%. Don't know if this can be corrected by adjusting the ball. Perhaps some ball manipulation can get this thing working correctly."

Emphasis mine.

Clown Collectable

"Plays 'When the Saints Come Marching In.'"


I'm not sure this package is complete without a $4 bottle of no-name wine and a pillow to lay your head on while you cry yourself to sleep.

1950's Card Table

This card table has been protecting our vulnerable Pacific coast from Asian aggressors for many years. It's only fair to give it a home in which to retire, let down its guard, and relax after a life of unrelenting vigilance.

Unfinished Rowboat

Rowboat? It looks as though someone took a long rainsoaked skateboard ramp, tore the plywood apart, and haphazardly hammered it back together. "Rowboat" is a randomly chosen noun to describe it. "Unfinished treehouse" would also have worked. Or maybe "display case in progress." How about "nearly firewood"?

But really, the first thing I thought of was the Simpson's episode when Homer becomes, for a brief moment, a darling of the Art World. At a show he presents this work:



"Attempted Birdhouse"

Dishwasher

"Hotpoint Dishwasher, pulled out of 1953 kitchen, still in working order. Could be used in a museum display or theatre set?!"


Now don't get me wrong, this is kind of neat. I've never seen an early generation dishwasher like this before. But what can you do with it, really? It probably does a terrible job at its assigned task, and must have an Energy Star rating that approaches Energy Deathstar status.

So the poster is probably right, this is for museum or prop use. But what are the odds the proprietor of the Bay Area Museum of Household Appliances* will see this post? Or that David Mamet's latest script calls for a foul-mouthed, fast-talking dishwasher, circa '53? Ultimately, niftyness aside, there's no creative reuse in this washer's future.


*Nope, sorry, no such beast.

Piano

"Looking to donate this lovely piano from the '80s"





By the '80's, piano craftsmanship had taken a turn for the weird. In the wake of postmodernity, the most avant-garde pianomakers were interested not only in representation but in peculiar counter-representations, and in trying to drive home the arbitrary nature of the signifier. As a result, there was a notorious period in which they foisted nearly anything on the public as a "piano," daring the world to complain. "I am the pianomaker. I decide what is or is not a piano. You contend this is a dresser or drybar? Fine. I say it is a piano. Same goes for that piano over there. Yes, yes, the one you keep calling a barstool."

It was a brief period in the history of pianomaking, and one remembered with little fondness by concert pianists worldwide. Presented with one of these objects at a recording session at EMI Studio late in his career, Sviatoslav Richter is said to have quipped "I would sooner brush my teeth with this than try to play Schumann's Fantasy in C."