Play House

"Almost 10 years old. In fair shape. Needs a little paint. Must pick up - you will need more than one person to haul. Excellent for back yard or for a preschool."


I'm no photographer, but I do have one small suggestion. If you really want the preschool angle of your sales pitch to work, try taking the picture of your dilapidated playhouse during daylight hours. It will go a long way toward making it look less like it's inhabited by a play Blair Witch waiting to cut out the play tongues of small children and leave them for dead in the play wilderness.

Owl Collection

"Owls are an order of birds of prey. Most are solitary, and nocturnal, with some exceptions. Owls have large forward-facing eyes and ears, a hawk-like beak, and usually a conspicuous circle of feathers around each eye called a facial disc."


Yep. That's the text of the ad. The poster has apparently had trouble unloading this free collection of owls, and has decided he knows the reason: none of you ignorant freaks know what owls are.

Now that you do, perhaps you'll finally get in your car and pick them up.

Bee hives

"I am looking for a beekeeper that would be interested in re-locating 2 bee hives in a tree."





Like the "free leaves" post, this is yet another following the format of "I need a service performed, but rather than pay someone for that service, I will frame my wish as an act of generosity." I can see this taking off, with the medically-uninsured crowding the free section: "Free Melanoma. You Remove."

I have in my lap right now the yellow pages. Not even the good, comprehensive yellow pages, just one of the would-be competitors (a sad business in the internet era, I'd bet). I have flipped to the page with the category "Bee Removal." That's right, there's an entire category. Here in west Alameda County, there are EIGHT entries for bee removers. They not only exist, they are competing for your business. I don't believe business is so cutthroat, however, that A & Bee Swarm Removal is giving away its services just to undercut those bastards at California Exterminating Service.

So please, just pay the $50 or whatever it is to protect your children from the swarm. Don't wait hopefully for some greenhorn who wants to try his hand at bee wrangling.

Old Hoover Upright Vacuum

"Rubber bumper trim unattached on one side. Works, but not well"













Vintage Microwave odds of anyone showing up for this - 1 in 800.

Qualifications: (1) must have low self-esteem, and (2) must wish you were the seventh Brady child, or cousin Oliver.

Hexagonal Side Table

"has a faux granite finish"









Perhaps you've read the Chronicles of Narnia, in which a gaggle of sweet children enter an old wardrobe and find themselves transported to a magical new world.

This side table is pretty much the same as that wardrobe, only getting to the other side lands you in the ad hoc dungeon (spare bedroom, really) of a 62-year-old dominatrix in Stockton.

Her whip-and-chain days are pretty much behind her. Currently, her sadism consists of boring you to near-death with stories about the early 1970's swinger scene in the Central Valley, and smothering you in second-hand smoke.

There's no door back, but you can probably get a cab to SF for about $200.

Trampoline

No picture, just the good news - free trampoline.

Why is this good news? Because it makes my life easier. The Simpsons have already done an entire episode about the free trampoline. I'll let Matt Groening do the heavy lifting.

--

Homer picks up the newspaper and sighs, "Ah...the daily
newspaper." He turns to the "FOR FREE" section.

"Ooh! The Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away sixty soiled
mattresses!"

Marge asks Homer why he bothers reading that section of the paper -
"They never have anything good." But as she finishes, Homer gasps at an ad he has just spied: "FREE TRAMPOLINE, 534 Center St."

Homer: Oh my God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline! [runs out]
Bart: He said what now?
Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!

Animal traps

"I have some Cage style animal traps I need to get rid of. I was
trapping stray cats with great success. I no longer need them. There
are three about two and a half feet by two feet long and wide. I'm not at a computer today so call me."


Not at the computer today, huh? Of course you're not. Having,
apparently, wrapped up "with great success" the third step of the triad of sociopathy, you're no doubt out on the town today,
trolling bus depots for young men to rape and murder.

Let me know when you've moved on to painting clowns. My apartment
needs something to brighten it up.

--

Another J-Ben product

Leaves

"I HAVE LEAVES YOU CAN HAVE FOR YOUR MULCHING NEEDS. . . . IVE DONE THE HARDEST WORK BUT CANT CONTINUE FOR PICKUP DO TO BACK SPASMS. I DO HAVE SPEARS STICKING OUT OF MY SPINE. IF YOU NEED THESE LEAVES AND CAN HELP ME BY REMOVING THEM IT WILL BE MUCH APPRECIATED."

Let it not be said that I lack compassion. I feel for this poster, with the spears sticking out of his spine. If I were him, I wouldn't want to rake my yard, either.

Nonetheless, this brings to mind a clumsy version of Tom Sawyer, who, in "Huck Finn" convinces other youngsters in the neighborhood not only to do his chores, but to pay him for the privilege. While there was brilliance to Tom's approach, this is too transparent to be much more than sadly optimistic. It's a bit too easy to see that the post's true, if unwritten title is not "Free Leaves," but "Please Come Rake My Yard."

You never know what someone may want, however, so when my four acre lawn next needs a good mow, I will be sure to post "Free Blades of Grass. You Collect." I suspect it will get more page views than a comparable post in the "volunteers" section.

--

Thanks to amblus for the tip.

Executive Office Chair

"We just upgraded our office furniture and no longer need this leather executive office chair."




Anthropomorphized Chair III - grumpy, indignant

Upgraded have you? Upgraded, my ass! Yeah, that new chair may have one of those new Master’s in Financial Engineering degrees, but what good is stochastic calculus going to do in a market like this? You want more fancy derivatives? Are you not paying attention to the news? Even the Wall Street Journal is calling for more regulation of that bullshit.

Look, what you need is to focus on our traditional strengths. I don’t have the new chair’s book smarts, sure, but I’ve been here 25 years. I came up from the mailroom. I know how to roll up my sleeves and get things done the way we always have. Who was under you through the Emca merger? Who put in late nights getting approvals for the new line we unveiled 10 years ago?

Don’t hand me that severance check. Don’t you dare wish me well. Let me do my job, dammit. Really? Security? Is that what it’s come to? Did you just call me “gramps”? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

Aquarium Supplies

"Gravel, Plastic Plants, Tetra Food, Medicine"








Something I presume about this ad is that the word "used" (or some slight variant) modifies all its elements. The used gravel has been in an aquarium before, with all the accompanying hygienic implications. Used plastic plants - same implications. Partially empty container of Tetra food. Partially expended medicine.

Something else I presume? The fish - that swam above the gravel and amongst the plants, that ate the food and needed the medicine
- are dead, after a long illness.

The medicine was inadequate to the task. Despite treatment efforts, nothing could save the fish. So what we have here is all the elements of an infected aquarium, along with a failed cure for the infection. And someone willing to let you have it all, free. Once upon a time, this poster would have nailed a parchment to a tree, somewhere in Indian Territory, with the calligraphy "Free Comfortable Blanket," the smallpox, of course, would be presumed.