"Zen Fountian"

Bringing new meaning to the Buddhist saying: "Form does not differ from the void, and the void does not differ from form." Am I approaching enlightenment yet?

Tiger Art

Would you be surprised if I told you that you can go to any major city on craigslist, enter "tiger" in the "arts + crafts" search box, and see at least one work of "art" featuring a tiger? It surprised me.

Back Yard Toys

A set of toys from the Mattel "Unsettleables!" line. Recommended uses:

Place blue rocking toy in front yard. Have 40-something man sit in it, rocking back and forth, mumbling to himself, looking down.

Take small bicycle toy, and place on sidewalk near entrance to local bar.

Wedge pink pushcar within your car's bumper. Drive slowly through neighborhood, gently swerving.

FREE Toilet in Rose Garden

The poor man's Partridge in Pear Tree.

fabric covered anti-gravity chairs

You know, just because they have stars on them doesn't mean they're in the sky.

Mountain Astrologer back issues

"10 years of Mountain Astrologer magazines looking for a good home."

Dear Mountain Astrologer Magazine,

Please cancel my subscription, effective immediately. Over the past few months, since the editorial putsch in October when Glen Starman installed his cadre of Sierra Nevada insiders at the helm, the quality of the magazine’s mountain astrology has bottomed out. I used to be able to count on Janet Orion’s predictions (nay, *assertions* - “prediction” suggests the possibility of error) to tell me whether I needed to prepare for a three-bear attack on my trash, expect a road-closing snowfall, or if, although my prospects look good for the moment, I need to be careful about putting all my eggs in one basket.

With the new editors, I have no idea if love is right around the corner, or if I should expect the ptarmigans to wake me every morning next month. Instead, it’s all “things are developing that will bring about a change in residence or lifestyle. But don't worry, it will be an improvement” or “draw on experience to advise someone who isn't thinking clearly today.” Well, let me tell you something, I call BS. My residence and lifestyle haven’t changed in 52 years, and I don’t plan on joining Greg Masterson in his cave and single-wide anytime soon, no matter how often he asks. And I don’t have plans to see anyone to even be *able* to offer advice for about a month and a half. Today? Who are you kidding? Well not me.

I don't know where I'll get my news of the future from now on, but it won't be from you. Take your predictions and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine – maybe Greg Masterson’s cave?

I'll bet you didn't even see this coming,
VM

Sofa

"There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die."

Plecostomus

These show up a lot in the free and pet sections, and are always accompanied by ad text reading "getting too big for my tank." I like to think, however, that these algae suckers eventually reach a size where their owners can see them rolling their eyes at yet another season of "The Bachelor" showing up on the TV in the living room. Don't judge me, plecostomus!

Half a chocolate cake.

"Pick it up in the next hour. Dinner party. We couldn't finish the dessert. It's really good! Come by and get it now!"

And with that, the trap was set.

Wind Sock

'44" long wind sock. attach to a vertical pole and it will spin in the wind.'



The Social Contract, at its most basic, reads like this: "you don't fuck with me; I don't fuck with you." Capisce? This simple, originalist interpretation has long led me to the conclusion that wind chimes are an affront to mankind's attempts to create workable organization. The norms, needs, and niceties of community require that we don't willfully annoy others without some good goddamned reason. Wind chimes, however, say, "I have no qualms about imposing my need for constant noise upon you, without your consent." They suggest, "My 'New Age' spirituality is primarily a form of aggression." They declare, "I am a sociopath."

The wind sock is but the wind chime of the eye.