Vintage Microwave

Wind Sock

2012-02-19T16:34:00.001-08:00

'44" long wind sock. attach to a vertical pole and it will spin in the wind.'

The Social Contract, at its most basic, reads like this: "you don't fuck with me; I don't fuck with you." Capisce? This simple, originalist interpretation has long led me to the conclusion that wind chimes are an affront to mankind's attempts to create workable organization. The norms, needs, and niceties of community require that we don't willfully annoy others without some good goddamned reason. Wind chimes, however, say, "I have no qualms about imposing my need for constant noise upon you, without your consent." They suggest, "My 'New Age' spirituality is primarily a form of aggression." They declare, "I am a sociopath."

The wind sock is but the wind chime of the eye.

Oak Media Center

2012-02-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

Sweet! Room for my 30" x 30" x 30" low-def 1997 Hitachi TV, and it's hide-able behind attractive woodgrain doors! You know, sometimes I don't want it to look like TV is the center of my universe, so I need to discreetly disguise my addiction as a giant wooden box that could have *anything* in it. Who knows what I'm storing there? Not you, girl I just brought home after meeting in the aisles at Best Buy! Not you!

I also like all the DVD storage. Why? Well, my TV may be a little out-of-date, but DVD's are the way of the future! I look forward to years of adding to my DVD collection, with pristine visuals, and none of that VHS-tape-losing-contact-with-the-tape-heads-blue-screen bullshit I've put up with for so long. They're the perfect media. Have you ever had trouble with a DVD? Shut up, you're lying. Man, it's fantastic here in the future, and this media center, my new technological home base, is going to serve me well for years.

Sure, I've heard about wi-fi, streaming enabled, box-and-storage-media-free, 70" LCD screens that stick two inches out from the wall, and that seems fine:

. . . but where's the oak? That's something you just can't replace.

Recliner Chair

2012-02-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

Look, I know what you're thinking. You're looking at the seat of the chair and thinking, "holy hell, someone not only died in that chair, they decomposed in it for weeks!" You are mistaken. The chair's former resident died in the hospital. He merely soiled himself repeatedly for years in the chair. Stop being so dramatic and take it.

"Reclines, Swivels"

2012-02-06T10:19:00.001-08:00

But that's just the beginning. It also "causes itching," "makes eyes water," and "ruins rooms."

Work Bench

2012-02-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

Does your work involve stitching together crude pigeon-dog hybrids? Insect racing? Mold husbandry?

I suppose a corollary to "to each his own" is, "to someone, this work bench."

Ramp - Skateboard or Wheelchair

2012-02-02T11:09:00.000-08:00

Fun! I mean, necessary for making my way out of my home, which would otherwise be my prison. Rad! Or utilitarian. Frontside grind! Maybe just a cautious roll down to the sidewalk. Axle stall! Again, I think more of a cautious roll is in order.

But you know what? Ultimately, we don't have to decide. Here's the ramp:

I guess this could be a skateboard ramp, for someone in a wheelchair, with the skateboard in their lap.

The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name

2012-01-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

There are many frightening, repeating categories of objects on the CL free section. Every day brings more broken concrete ("use for fill!"), obsolete projection TV's ("50 inches, and only 400 lbs."), and dying palm trees ("you dig, you take"). But there is no more persistent, frequent and depressing category than . . . the loveseat. If you take one of these, love will be forever beyond your grasp. It will be a faint wish, bubbling up between the regular inhalations of computer duster fumes that always fail to alleviate your pain. Love will be dead to you, and you to it.

But hey, it's FREE!

I bring you a suite of loneliness seats:

MODERN ART

2012-01-17T17:07:00.001-08:00

"If you would like it, please tell me your phone number and why you want the picture. After the item is given away, I will delete all correspondence that comes to me.... I ask for these things to determine whom I will invite to my home for my safety and that of my family. Thank you."

Some possibilities:

"I want it to record for posterity how little was required at the beginning of the 21st Century for something to be designated 'art.'" [threat level - uncertain, what does "posterity" mean?]

"I want to use it as a coaster. I am 28 feet tall and drink from three-gallon cups." [threat level - surprisingly low, 28 foot tall people are easy to spot and apprehend]

"I will shoot it. It has a bulls-eye quality to it that inspires the marksman in me." [threat level - medium, has guns, but is accurate]

"It's beautiful. I want it to make my home a more aesthetically pleasant place to live." [threat level - high, is insane]

Abstrax, from the East Bay

2012-01-13T11:05:00.001-08:00

Since I'm going to open up the blog a bit, a new delight is artists selling their work on craigslist. Here's a great, um, "artist's statement":

"Hi, I've made a new genre of art, since I see a modern trend for pop art, but I like abstract art as well. Tend to be ahead of trends. I've predicted trends in music, business for some time."

There's so much going on here. Hubris. Optimism. Insanity. I may want to support this gentleman/woman, but first I'm going to need to see a List of Trends Predicted. I worry, though. How will I tell if they were predicted, rather than post-hoc noted? Photos of prediction being made next to that day's newspaper, you say? Interesting. This art-buying thing is complex.

Microwave

2012-01-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

"I used this microwave for many years before it stopped working. Maybe you can fix it and get use out of it."

Or maybe I could buy a new one for $50 or so and be spared: (1) the residue of your many years of use, and (2) the danger of fixing it wrong.

Baby steps, folks. I think I'll bring the blog back, but I may use it for purposes beyond free-stuff-mocking. Perhaps the occasional parable . . .

placeholder

2010-11-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

another placeholder

2010-11-10T12:12:00.001-08:00

placeholder

2010-08-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

A Change at Vintage Microwave

2009-06-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Loyal Readers:

We are so very, very good at what we do that someone has asked us to do it for them. So Vintage Microwave is going to fade away, but our work will continue. Stephen and Jessica will be writing at two blogs for the time being. One, essentially identical to VM, is:

Item Not As Described

This site will not only continue our commentary on commerce castaways, but will initially re-use some of the old VM posts (we have to get it started somehow). Bear with us as it gets up to speed.

The other site will provide commentary on unsettling tattoos.

Ugliest Tattoos

Yes, it's an easy target, but we'll make it funny. Vintage Microwave funny.

We hope the new sites will be as fun for us to write as VM has been. We hope "selling out" is as awesome as we've imagined. We hope to see you there.

Wall Micro/Oven Combo

2009-05-26T19:37:00.001-07:00

Should we infer anything about condition and/or safety from your unwillingness to get any closer to the "micro/oven" to take its picture? Or were you just hoping it wouldn't see you, so you could avoid the awkward discussion about the future of your relationship?

Sony scope Reel to Reel Player Recorder 1960

2009-05-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

"My husband says that it might need a belt, as it was slow turning. Very heavy unit, applrimately 35-40 lbs."

I'm pretty sure that the only way you're going to get someone to take a nonworking, 40-pound piece of completely obsolete machinery off your hands these days is to convince them that it should be part of their owl collection.

moving boxes

2009-05-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

"Please call to see if anyone is home."

Why do I get the sense that by "moving boxes," they don't mean "boxes useful for packing up possessions for a change of residence," but rather "boxes that are actually moving"?

If no one is home, it's because the boxes got them.

Old Wicker Furniture

2009-05-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

"The rocking chair and settee are very very old."

Very, very old. Like, Civil War old. In fact, I'm pretty sure this furniture fought in the Civil War. I don't know where that hole could have come from other than the Battle of Gettysburg.

Loveseat

2009-05-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda speechless. This is early-80's rent-to-own furniture at its apex. I mean nadir. The "gold" trim, the fancifully printed velour-ish fabric - I can't characterize so much as simply describe.

I can't picture this in anyone's house. The only possible setting I can accept is a brief scene in some Aaron Spelling show, let's say Dynasty, set in the waiting room of a small accountancy office. That's the only place this could really exist.

Old Chair

2009-05-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

We considered posting a picture or two of something mummified to compare this too, but the pictures of mummies were a little grosser than we like to be. This chair is all the gross we can handle.

Beware its curse: "As for all men who shall sit here . . . there will be judgment . . . an end shall be made for him . . . I shall seize his neck like a bird . . . I shall cast the fear of myself into him."

Consider it done. We're already afraid.

Gerber cerel for infants

2009-05-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

"One expired on Sept 08 the other Nov 08. But they still have the cellophane on them."

Sweet, they still have the cellophane on them. Something for the baby to play with after we've fed him long-expired food.

Chair

2009-05-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

This is one of those free postings that make me appreciate the place of the philosopher in modern society. I'm pretty sure a dissertation - a master's thesis at the very least - could be written on whether and under what conditions this item can be called a chair. Maybe something like, with hat tip to Zizek, "this Deleuzian chair is, of course, not simply outside non-chairness; rather, in the 'stratigraphic' superimposition, in this moment of chairfulness, it is CHAIR ITSELF which we experience, but in contrast, chair as opposed to the evolutionary flow of things WITHIN the chair domain." I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's something like "there's no effing way this counts as a chair."

couches

2009-05-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

"Cream color with flowers."

Here at VM, we see a lot of ugly couches. But this is the first one we've come across that looks as though it's actually suffering from some sort of communicable disease.

Boat

2009-05-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

"Perfect for boat races!"

Obviously, this will need a part or two (or 334) before it's perfect for anything, but that aside, what about this semi-boat makes it seem especially race-worthy? If anything, it looks like a pretty non-hydrodynamic example of boatdom. Why is it any more perfect for a boat race than, say, this motorcycle frame is for motorcycle races?

Or this trashcan is for trashcan races?

Cast Iron Sink

2009-05-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

I admire the effort, and I know this may make me a pessimist, but I really don't think reasoning with it will get you anywhere. You can start with a whisper and end with a shout, but that sink is gonna do whatever the hell it wants.

Dresser

2009-05-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

Look, it's OK. We get it. You got very angry at your dresser, you beat the hell out of it, and now none of the pieces fit together. It's tilted to the side, and the drawers are useless. You're sorry; you wish you hadn't, and that's all well and good, but look - you have to deal with the aftermath yourself. Don't try to enlist the help of strangers to get you out of this mess. You got yourself into it, you get yourself out. Go get an axe. Or maybe some lighter fluid.

Cabover Camper

2009-05-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

Honey, let's go camping! By "camping," I mean admitting that we have failed in every possible way, and that we deserve only the worst of everything.

Couch and loveseat

2009-05-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

"The cushions need to be sewn in a few spots (on the seams) and it isn't in new or excellent condition (hence it is free) but it sure beats the hard floor!"

Fine, fair enough. Two pieces of furniture not worth the effort of selling, but not ready for the trash. Exactly what the Free Stuff section is good for.

But what is up with that living room? I hope to god that this person is getting some livelier furniture. Because right now all they need is a fishbowl full of free condoms and they'd have the waiting room at Planned Parenthood.

open fridge

2009-05-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

"NO WARRANTY. AS IS. NO DELIVERY."

As is? Do you promise? Because if I show up for this behemoth and find that bottle of white zin and collection of off-brand energy drinks are gone, my afternoon plans will be shot in the ass.

Half a Surfboard

2009-05-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

The other half has been re-purposed as the tombstone for the dead surfer who last used it.

Perhaps you know another recently passed surfer you could honor with this half. Or maybe it would make a good prosthetic whale tongue?

Disney Cars TV

2009-05-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't want this thing smiling incessantly at me while I spent my Sunday afternoon on a "Deadwood" marathon, either.

kids recliner

2009-05-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

"Mechanics work but upholstery is bad."

Of course the upholstery is bad. Kids will be kids, falling asleep with lit cigarettes in hand.

We have some friends who are pregnant, and we are sorely tempted to haul this to the baby shower, along with some kids' beer and a subsciption to Kids' Playboy.

Aeron Chair

2009-05-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Herman Miller Aeron chair. The hydraulic system that controls seat height is broken; so the chair sinks when you sit in it. The left armrest is also missing. Other than that, it's like any other Aeron chair."

I hate to be self-referential, but this reminds me of this BMW. You know, other than being completely devastated in every pertinent way, it was like any other BMW.

MODULAR MOBILE OFFICE TRAILER

2009-05-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

"FREE TO A GOOD HOME!!!! "

The only possible use for this would be playing the role of the field office in Blair Witch 3: The Blair Witch Construction Project. In this installment, the Blair Witch continues to terrorize the Maryland wilderness, this time through the erection of depressing subdivisions.

Adult swing

2009-05-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

"The animals are making a nest from part of it. Simple repair to a corner and it's still very good"

Not what I was expecting, based on the title. THANK. GOD.

And yet? Still gross.

Do you want to garden? Use our backyard!

2009-05-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

"We are doing nothing with our backyard. If you want to garden, make our backyard your own.[*] Bring your best ideas and your shovel."

*Disclaimer: backyard will be in no way your own.

Well sure, why not? You want a garden, I want to work without compensation, we're a perfect match!

This sounds familiar somehow.

From Tom Sawyer (1876):

Tom contemplated the boy a bit, and said:

“What do you call work?”

“Why, ain’t that work?”

Tom resumed his whitewashing, and answered carelessly:

“Well, maybe it is, and maybe it ain’t. All I know, is, it suits Tom Sawyer.”

“Oh come, now, you don’t mean to let on that you like it?”

The brush continued to move.

“Like it? Well, I don’t see why I oughtn’t to like it. Does a boy get a chance to whitewash a fence every day?”

That put the thing in a new light. Ben stopped nibbling his apple. Tom swept his brush daintily back and forth – stepped back to note the effect – added a touch here and there – criticised the effect again – Ben watching every move and getting more and more interested, more and more absorbed. Presently he said:

“Say, Tom, let me whitewash a little.”

Dead Horse

2009-05-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

"This is a skeleton of a horse I found in the desert. I brought it home for an accent to my cactus garden. We are moving and I cannot take the horse with me. It is missing the head and two legs, but all else is there.Use it for the same purpose as I did, or for an art project..."

An art project, huh? No comment, I don't want to . . . beat a dead horse. Hey-OHH!!!

Steel Racks

2009-05-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

"Each is approximately 24' long by 6' wide by 8' tall. Welded so you will have to transport complete, or could be seperated into 3 smaller pieces with a few cuts. Each weighs approx 1900 pounds."

I'm done talkin', honey; I'm gonna make it happen. We're starting that skyscraper out in back Saturday morning.

suzuki samari

2009-04-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

"NO DRIVE LINES, NO STEERING LINKAGE, JERRY RIGGED LIFT, you will need to tow it! Don't call & ask stupind questions!"

Please forgive me if these are "stupind" questions, but there are just a few things I need to know:

1. What?

2. Why?

3. How do you manage to misspell "samurai," a word that is surely emblazoned somewhere on the vehicle you have obviously spent a great deal of time ruining? In literally the largest type size you will ever see the word "samurai" printed in, ever?

4. Why?

5. What?

Sofa

2009-04-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

I think somewhere in those cushions is a secret message, set forth in cuneiform. This has inspired me to start work on a screenplay similar* to the Da Vinci Code, with this couch filling the role of the Louvre.

*Though not so similar as to raise the danger of litigation.

Antique Mantle

2009-04-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

"In my old home, I put it against a wall and put candles all around underneath it to simulate a fireplace - was very lovely."

Thanks for the suggestion, but if it weren't for ideas like that, perhaps you'd still be living in your "old home," and this would still be the "mantle" you claim it is, rather than a charred piece of trash.

DOGBED/LOVE SEAT COUCH

2009-04-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

"IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PIECE OF FURNITURE THAT YOU THINK YOUR DOG WILL LOVE AS A BED THIS WILL WORK GREAT."

Interesting angle, but my dog doesn't really need a loveseat to sleep on. He sleeps in his loft bed, which frees up space in his bedroom for his desk and his Playstation 3.

DWARFS

2009-04-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

"I HAVE 14 FREE DWARFS THAT I AM GETTING RID OF BECAUSE WE ARE PUTTING IN A POOL."

I believe that, traditionally, fairies are the ones who are averse to water, and even then, usually only running water. So you're good to go! Your dwarves and your pool can coexist peacefully. Just make sure they wait for 30 minutes after feasting and drinking ale before taking a dip.

Trampoline

2009-04-24T10:12:00.001-07:00

Not the first trampoline we've noted, but the first featuring exciting new DeathSlot* technology.

*a registered trademark of ExtremePoline, Inc.

Liquor Carousel

2009-04-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

This doesn't look like nearly as much fun as the name suggests.

Very Old Backyard Chairs

2009-04-22T08:38:00.001-07:00

"No good for sitting, may be good for background, props for picture or movie set."

Chairs. "No good for sitting." These chairs are adrift, lost, unable to satisfy the most basic element of chair-ness. Chairs like this don't last long. Once they lose sit-ability, they lose interest in life, and die soon thereafter.

Please give these chairs something to do so they can hold on a little longer. Something to give their days meaning. Something like . . . put them in a movie. That sounds good. You do have a movie in production don't you?

Sarns Heart Lung Machine

2009-04-20T17:00:00.001-07:00

"Pick it up and it is yours. Let me know your intended use - best purpose will win if multiple interested parties."

Dear poster of heart lung machine;

I want to live, and need this so that I may.

I hope this may qualify as a "best purpose."

If that does not appeal to you, I could also use it for an art project that I will bring to Burning Man. Presuming I live, of course.

Weak . . . must stop typing.

Yours hopefully,
VM

Large cardboard box

2009-04-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

"Open on one side"

I'll be right there.

Don't they have recycling pickup in your town?

open half used cans of cat food

2009-04-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

Now, we here at VM don't have big heads. We don't think we're famous or anything. This blog is not some unstoppable internet juggernaut on the radar of every webreader out there. But some people have seen it, and I'm pretty sure one of them posted this as a setup:

"i have about 20 little cans of cat food. my cat is older and picky and only likes the juice and to eat it before it is refridgerated, therefore i have a number of opened half used cans of cat food. most of them are priority brand but there are a couple other different kinds. They have been refridgerated with plastic wrap on top. the oldest one is probably a week old. I dont want to just throw them away because I am sure there are some cats out there that would eat it. If you are interested in picking them up tonight let me know and I will leave them for you on top of my recycle bin. email me if you are interested and I will give you my address and leave them outside my house for you to pick up. I will respond to people in the order they email me."

I mean, right? Nobody really posts this kind of thing seriously.

Spaghetti Measurer

2009-04-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

This sounds like some sort of old-timey slur directed to those damned eye-talians.

The poster divesting him- or herself of the "spaghetti measurer" (I'm really not clear on what this is, btw) is also trying to unload "3 unopened 2005 calendars." There were high hopes for the year - "this one's gonna be so busy, I'll need three calendars" - but they quickly went sour.

There's also a "Non-working CD walkman-type player." I am tempted to hire an economist to crunch the numbers on that one - what is the financial upside to fixing an obsolete, ultra-cheap electronic device?

Sectional Sofa

2009-04-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Is that what that is? I would have guessed "laundry bag chock full of clothes from the late Eighties that I can't seem to get around to donating to Goodwill." Or maybe "old pillow the cat has peed on one too many times."

I'm not really seeing the "sectional."

Or the "sofa."

Steel Bars

2009-04-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

"I have about six steel bars, pick up only. Please email to me if you are interesting."

About six. You know how we feel about that.

I can think of a lot of uses for these. Actually, I can think of none. Does that make me interesting?

Baby Bicycle Trailer

2009-04-13T13:31:00.001-07:00

"Extremely worn Trailer. Barely working condition. Needs some work. Tires in good condition."

In the wake of abstinence-only education and poor access to birth control, some people are apparently resorting to extreme measures in family planning.

PeeWee Herman Movies

2009-04-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

This would not be remarkable, were it not for the particular circumstances presented. People have VHS tapes they'll never look at again. They post them on the free section. I get it. Me? I'd just put them out on the curb or throw them away, but I can't fault the person who posts them on Craigslist. Whatever.

The thing about this post is that it goes up first at 9:16 p.m: "Free PeeWee Herman VHS, set of 2."

Then, at 9:38 p.m. (a mere 22 minutes later), another post follows:

"Free peewee herman movies, need to go tonight"

I guess I'm just a bit unclear on the urgency of unloading these two VHS tapes . . .

RIGHT NOW!!1!

I have trouble picturing the scene. Posting the ad, then freaking out at the absence of immediate response. But this is in Fairfield, CA, so I wonder if methamphetamine is involved. I'm kidding. I know meth is involved.

Panda Mailbox

2009-04-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Panda mailbox my ass. That is obviously a Grizzly mailbox repainted to look like a panda.

In other news: panda mailbox?

puppet, hard to explain

2009-04-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hard to explain? What's so hard to explain about an all-puppet production of Apocalypse Now? Frankly, I'm a little bummed that I missed it. I'd love to have seen the buffalo–sacrifice scene in your version.

Awning

2009-04-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

"Come take it down and it's yours!"

What a find. Just what I've been looking for. A hideous 1960's or so metal awning. About a year ago, I helped a friend take one of these rusted, mildewed, ugly hulks off his house. I'm still expecting tetanus symptoms to show up. It didn't occur to my friend to try to get someone to take the awning down for him by offering it for "free." He had a clear sense that it was an object of pure trash value, and bought me lunch and a beer for the help.

I look forward to future posts from this poster. "Asbestos insulation, come take it down and it's yours!" "Broken water heater circa 1963. Come take it down and it's yours!" "Dead oak tree in back yard. Accessible only by helicopter or enormous crane. Come take it down and it's yours!"

Boat Trailer

2009-04-07T10:13:00.001-07:00

These decrepit trailers show up from time to time. This is a particularly nice example.

The only boat I could imagine putting aboard this trailer would be a boat owned by an archenemy. Someone who has wronged me so regularly or so spectacularly, that I would need to invent a new species of revenge dramatic enough to get his or her attention. Placing my archenemy's boat on this frail, rusted, doomed trailer just might do the trick.

"Antique" Vacuum Cleaner

2009-04-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

"This is a 1960s or 1970s Kirby vaccum cleaner...had it tuned up and it worked for a while. It works a bit but not great for our needs."

It may be true that there are purists out there. People so committed to a "vintage" lifestyle that everything they touch must have some old-timey cred. God knows I love my mid-century furniture, and an early 60's Ford Falcon is a thing to behold, but there are limits to my - and I presume anyone's - willingness to live in the past.

Some items have been improved and have developed with time in a way that can't be ignored in pursuit of period realism. I don't want to cook my food in a 1960's microwave. I don't want my dentist to work on my teeth with a 1960's drill. I don't want to pay the electricity bill for a 1960's air conditioner. And I don't want to vacuum up my dog's hair with a 1960's vacuum that "works a bit."

Weight Set

2009-04-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

"It has been left outside so it does have some rust but still works as it is designed to."

So it's designed for iron plates to come crashing down on the user when the rusted cables snap? That's an exercise fad I haven't heard of. I suppose getting severe tetanus would keep you from eating for a while.

Cattle grain feeder

2009-04-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

You know, for your cattle farm. Call me a skeptic, but I just don't see the confluence of necessary factors taking place:

1. You live in the Bay Area;
2. You have a cattle farm;
3. You need a cattle grain feeder;
4. You think you may find one on the internet;
5. You work your way to the Free Stuff section and find this;
6. You learn that it's in working condition, satisfying your cattle grain feeder needs.

Skateboard Ramp

2009-04-01T09:34:00.001-07:00

For the parent who wants his child dead, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger: an indirect filicidal device - the deeply damaged skateboard ramp.

"You go have fun, Jesse. Daddy picked you up a skateboard ramp."
"It looks a little old, Daddy."
"Every little boy wants a skateboard ramp, Jesse. Daddy got you one. Go play."
"It's cracked and broken and has holes in it, Daddy."
"Tony Hawk could handle it Jesse. You do want to be like Tony Hawk, don't you?"
"Yeees."
"Now take your skateboard and go play."
"Oookay. Where's my helmet?"
"Helmets are for girls, Jesse. You're not a girl, are you?"
"Noooo."
"Oh, and be sure to give your brother a turn."

Poker Table

2009-03-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

I like that this still bears the blood stains from the last game played at this table. I picture the full house made on the river and turn cards, which made four of a kind for the guy at the other side of the table. Full house guy goes all in, and slices his wrists when the four of a kind shows itself.

Palm Water Fountain

2009-03-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

Free to a good home: a beautiful cast concrete water fountain, perhaps four-feet tall, in the shape of a palm tree.

By "beautiful," he means remarkably, magically ugly. He's strange that way.

The fountain includes a well-worn fibreglass base that may have a small leak or two. It may include -- entirely at the whim and/or discretion of the current owner -- a small electric pump that powered the fountain.

"Fibreglass" - our poster must be English. That may also explain the whimsical desire to keep his intentions regarding the disposition of the pump to himself. The English are funny that way. They are also whimsically unwilling to let you know if it does have a leak. It just may.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING ITEMS CAREFULLY:

NOTE 1: The top "palm" portion of the fountain is large, extremely heavy, and may be awkward and difficult to lift and carry. It will require at least two strong persons, if not three, to lift and carry. Neither the homeowners nor their two sons will assist you in lifting, carrying and/or transporting the fountain in any way.

This loathsome fountain has already caused enough suffering in the poster's family. They won't let it add back strain to the litany of miseries it has already imposed upon them. In fact, they're giving it away in an effort to convince the eldest son to stay home. He has threatened to join the Army if the fountain is not disposed of, immediately.

NOTE 2: You are responsible for removing the fountain and its component parts from the property. The homeowner will not assist you in any way whatsoever. If you so much as ask "Hey, could you help lift that..." you will be immediately and forceably removed from the property.

I know, I repeat myself in these blog entries, but the demanding assholery of some posters is just astonishing to me. Removing this thing - which no one will agree to do, mark my words - would be a favor on the level of donating a kidney. Actually, we have two of those - this would be like donating a heart. If someone agrees to take this "fountain," you should offer pay, not a threat.

NOTE 3: Do not even think about asking for help in removing the fountain from the property. You are getting a beautiful fountain at no charge. Supply your own muscle or don't bother answering this post.

You just said that, jackass. And crack open your dictionary to make sure you understand what "beautiful" means.

Chandelier

2009-03-28T09:57:00.001-07:00

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

In an Electro-Jellyfish-Spaceship way.

Black love seat

2009-03-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

"I want someone that is in need to have this. Not someone that is going to sell."

Oh don't worry. Whoever comes to pick this up is definitely in need. Desperate need. Of taste. And maybe also medication.

Pigeon Coop

2009-03-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

The foreclosure crisis reaches our feathered friends.

Ceiling Fan

2009-03-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

This raises a philosophical question. If a ceiling fan has no fan blades, is it a ceiling fan? It also raises a practical question. You expect me to fashion my own fan blades? Finally, it raises an aesthetic question. Without the fan blades, doesn't this look like something mounted to the Nautilus to assist Captain Nemo in his battle with the giant squid?

Reading Chair

2009-03-23T16:52:00.001-07:00

Reading chair? More of a bassinet for grown-ups. The worst kind of grown-ups.

Miami Dolphins Table

2009-03-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

With April Fool's Day only a week or so away, I am sorely tempted to pick this up and ship it to my brother, the rabid New England Patriots fan. For the football unfamiliar, that's like giving a nephrologist a book on phrenology. Useless, and maybe a bit offensive. There would be something funny about the neph/phren thing - the kidney doc might crack a smile. My brother, on the other hand, would not find it funny to have to put this out on the curb for the days until trash pickup.

Dining Table

2009-03-22T10:57:00.001-07:00

Do you see this? Can you make out its majesty?

Part Battlestar Galactica, part making-it-in-America post-Mariel Boatlift. If this were in our home, our friends would worry about us. Really, like call the doctor worry.

Black Metal Filing Cabinets

2009-03-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

We've posted punk rock filing cabinets before; here's another rock music filing cabinet category. Sure, sure, it's unintentional, they're just giving away a filing cabinet that is both black and made of metal. But every time I see this (and there are a lot of "black metal" postings - black metal futon, black metal chair, etc), I picture dudes in corpse paint:

I'm not sure what they'll do with a filing cabinet, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Yellow Chair

2009-03-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Hooray!! We've found it! Our mascot! If this doesn't represent everything "Free May Not Be Cheap Enough" stands for, I don't know what does.* We're going to send him (I'm pretty sure it's a him) to school and start shipping him off to events nationwide. "Goooooo Vintage Microwave!"

*Yes, we know a microwave would seem to be a more apt mascot, but the microwaves, unsettling as they may be, never look quite this bad.

Refrigerator

2009-03-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

"Free mustard colored fridge! A little dated but works nonetheless!"

A little dated? I think this came with the Brady home when Mike and Carol bought it in in the late '60's. It made sense to have a fridge like this when California's population was half what it is now, and electricity demand was more easily met. But these days, plugging this in will require a new hydroelectric dam, sealing off another river emptying into the Pacific. As you think about taking this, please think about the salmon.

Pool Table

2009-03-17T08:37:00.001-07:00

"Its warped and the felt is coming off."

Ever played pool? Billiards? Snooker? There's not much the table has to do. It's inert. It is simply a place where other things occur. Like a doctor, however, the pool table must heed the Hippocratic Oath - "first, do no harm." A warped pool table violates this oath. It interferes with the game - it becomes a silent opponent. It becomes . . . utterly unusable. But maybe you have a spare space of X cubic feet you want to fill. God knows this is a good use of it. You can be an amateur landfill operator, and this can be your first trashquisition!

Selenium Rectifier Stacks

2009-03-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Three selenium rectifier stacks. Each unit has 20 plates, about 2.5 inches square, spaced about half an inch apart, so the overall length is 10 inches. Appears to be organized as a full wave bridge. Painted gray. Explain to me how you are going to use them and why."

How I am going to use them and why? Dude, you're the one trying to get these out of your house. Stop questioning me. How will I use a selenium rectifier stack; a weird, obsolete electronic device? Well, it might be nice to have for my Museum of Technologies Past, which I keep in the laundry room. Maybe they'd make good paperweights. Maybe my dentist told me to experiment with selenium fillings, to keep the voices at bay. That's my business.

Why? Because I'd be doing you a goddamn favor, that's why. And because I want the voices to stop.

Let me reiterate - stop questioning me.

Telephone Poles

2009-03-13T09:49:00.001-07:00

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 was a sham. Designed to open up the proprietary lines of the telecom giants, allowing spunky start-ups to compete, it never really worked. Jeff's Phone Co. was never able to make any real money, and never provided a real service - it was just a billing agent. AT&T has re-formed, and telephony is back to regional monopoly status.

Until now. Here's what we always needed. Not an illusory opening up of AT&T facilities, but a real, physical alternative. A separate system of lines, switching stations and - most importantly - telephone poles. Sure, with these poles, we'll only be able to establish a network about half a block long. But it's a start. "The mouse that roared" will be the company's slogan. We'll genetically engineer a mouse/lion hybrid to be our mascot. But that may be getting ahead of ourselves.

Corvair Tranny Superglide

2009-03-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

A transmission, of course. A necessary component to any drive train. The engine can't turn the wheels without it. I mention it only because of the interesting terminology. It's a Superglide. There is also the Powerglide. There's a Turboglide. Don't forget the eyebrow-raising "Slip-N-Slide Powerglide."

And yet, somehow, there was no trademark lawsuit when another company released a product called "AstroGlide."

Side Table

2009-03-11T16:15:00.001-07:00

Side Table? Or the empty space where the side table once stood? Paranormal photography on Craigslist.

Reptile Furniture

2009-03-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

"Aquarium with reptile 'cave,' 2 upside down U-logs, and extra logs lying around."

I don't have much to say about this, really, I'm just enamored of the phrase "reptile furniture." Good title for a poem? Since my furniture tastes run to the mid-century modern, when I saw the phrase, I thought of a ball python relaxing on a miniature Vladimir Kagan couch, or perhaps a lizard smoking a tiny cigarette while reclining in a Womb chair. Alas, I'm left with a rock and some logs.

Book

2009-03-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

"How to Meet and Work with Spirit Guides"

The meeting part is relatively easy. Frequent spirit guide bars. Late night grocery shopping in the spirit guide aisle. Workout at the spirit guide gym. If things are tough, join SpiritGuideHookup.com. Some people don't know these things, so the book may come in handy.

But the real payoff here is the portion on how to work with spirit guides. They're sensitive, prone to prima donna-ism, and occasionally real assholes. Recommendations include: (1) Bring your spirit guide coffee and a danish before you head out, (2) Be sure to comment favorably on your spirit guide's outfit, (3) Avoid your spirit guide's gaze - it may perceive that as a challenge, and (4) Most importantly, just pick up the bill at lunch. You can write it off later.

Gas Stove

2009-03-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

"It was in my sister's house and she says it leaks gas so she purchased a new one. Also, she tried to repaint the top a while back and painted over the temperature numbers."

So it's utterly useless, but extraordinarily dangerous? Bifecta! I'm on hold with U-haul right now, I hope they have a truck available . . .

Star Trek Video Tapes

2009-03-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

"I have 3 boxes of Star Trek & Star Trek Voyager Video Tapes. They were left at my house by a friend."

VHS, a former frontier. These are the voyages of an obsolete format. Its five-year mission: to explore the possibility of not fading and losing contact with the VCR heads; to seek out new ways to take up an entire bookshelf; to boldly melt in the trunk of your car.

Patio Chair

2009-03-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Imagine stepping out of the pool and letting your eyes come to rest on this. "I can stand here, or I can sit on that and be uncomfortable, dirty, and - maybe, just maybe - infected." Tough decision . . .

Free Stuff Flakes

2009-03-04T13:16:00.000-08:00

A little OT here, but it's a common occurrence for Free Stuff posters to lament the many responses they receive, and the number of "flakes" - people who say they're comin' to get it, then don't. Just today, in the SF Bay Area -

"I have had a number of people flake on me...please only inquire if you are serious!!!"

"I've had wayyyy too many replies re: this TV stand. I'll respond to those that replied and re-post if they all flake."

"We've had lots of flakes so, they are free to the first person to come pick them up."
----
We're curious about the sociology of Free Stuff. Who are these "flakes"? Of course, we don't have time for empirical research here at VMHQ, but we have plenty of time for pure speculation.

I suspect a lot of the "flakes" are new CL users, who have just discovered the free section, and can't believe all the stuff they can get for free: "ohmigah, ohmigah, look, look! A particleboard TV stand - FREE! And it's not even on fire!" So they immediately respond, then realize they (1) don't have room for the TV stand, and (2) already have a perfectly good one in the rumpus room. Adrenaline subsides; lesson learned.

Others are hardcore OCD/hoarder Free Stuff neurotics, people with a compulsion to respond to every ad in a category, but because of their mental illness, can't work, and therefore can't pay for gas to pick things up. They are stuck at the response stage - "I'll be right there to get it." They won't, but it satisfies some need within them to contend that they will. "Pile of paving stones, you will be mine."

Finally, the bulk are people like the first category of newbies, who have just never completely learned the lesson they should have the first time. A little cautious, but still excitable when the right item comes up. "That is a cool dresser. I want that. Livermore isn't that far away. Oh wait, I don't have a truck. Or a friend who can help me at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday."*

Other flakegories?

*Yes, I am describing myself. But I usually figure it out before I hit "send" on my e-mail.

Frisbee

2009-03-02T15:02:00.001-08:00

"Free Frisbee - Used only a couple of times (not with dogs).

Frisbee available on a first come first serve basis. It will be on my doorstep - please come by and pick up.

Here's my address and directions:

120 [VM Omitted] Ave, Building 23, #72, Santa Clara, 95051

We are in an apartment complex between San Tomas and Stevens Creek
Use the driveway off Saratoga Ave marked "Vista Office Park"- take it to the end of the complex. We are the last building on your right. Upstairs unit.

Thanks!!"
------

That's right. 89 words. Ten hard returns. One crappy promotional (i.e., free from its very inception) frisbee. You couldn't have just walked out your doorstep and thrown it into the air? Someone would have found it and taken it. And you'd have saved a lot of typing.

Vegetarian Packets

2009-03-01T18:12:00.000-08:00

"I have some vegetarian awareness packets if anyone wants them to distribute."

Won't someone think of the children? They must be warned - the vegetarians walk among us. To stay vegetarian aware, know this:

"Keep your eyes open, beware the pallid and thin-skinned."

"They refer to themselves as 'your fathers and sons, your mothers and daughters.' Don't be fooled. They are not like us. They are vegetarians. God's mortal enemies."

"Beware the vegetarian agenda. They are recruiting to their ranks"

"They try to portray vegetarians as victims, not as aggressive challengers."

"They seek to make their victimizers look bad, and to get funds from corporate America."

"The vegetarians use tactics that are remarkably similar to the brainwashing methods of Mao Tse-Tung's Communist Chinese -- mixed with Madison Avenue's most persuasive selling techniques."

Vegetarian awareness. Now and forever.

-----

Yes, of course, we know, by "vegetarian awareness packets," the poster means pamphlets encouraging people to become vegetarian. But . . . really? To hand out to friends and colleagues? To be the crazy guy on the corner exhorting the heathens - electively and gratis? Come on.

Orange Couch

2009-02-27T18:41:00.001-08:00

This looks like a picture taken in the living room of an apartment occupied by the family of the Director of North Korea's Central Statistics Bureau.

Astronomy Magazine from 1979 - 1982

2009-02-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

"I have 30 or 40 very old copies of Astronomy Magazine."

-------

Cover stories include:

"Planets Beyond Earth ?!"

"When they Arrive, What Should We Call Them? A Roundtable on the Possible Offensiveness of the Term 'Martian'"

"Telescopes So Advanced, You'll See What Kind of Cheese."

"In the Lifestyle Section - Pink Floyd and the Wizard of Oz - the Real Dark Side of The Moon."

"Faceoff - Astronomy vs. Astrology: Who Will Have the Last Laugh?"

-------

In retrospect we needed a new tag for this kind of thing months ago . . .

Safety Glasses

2009-02-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, the first thought is "that's a lot of safety glasses," and we wonder about the possibility that someone would wear different ones for different moods or occasions, like one would wear a different shirt.

My second thought, and perhaps this just says something about me, is that in the dark room with the harsh light and the dreary, worn set of drawers, these safety glasses were used primarily to protect the eyes from blood spatter and the occasional flying bone chip.

Large Trampoline

2009-02-24T05:09:00.000-08:00

"Ten-year-old trampoline that needs some springs. It also has some holes in it."

Ah yes. This is a classic technique. Throwing in "has some holes" — the unfortunate feature that makes this trampoline go from borderline useless to outright dangerous — as an "also," breezily tacked on after the part about some missing springs. "Oh, by the way, it's booby-trapped, but only with a bag of piranha teeth and a few pounds of plastic explosives."

Mechanical Bull

2009-02-19T13:14:00.000-08:00

"My father's company has gone out of business we can no longer afford to keep storage for the bull"

You think I don't know what you're thinking? Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "no way, dude, I want that thing bad! I'd go get it right now if it were within driving distance!"

Stop fooling yourself. No one has room for a mechanical bull in the house. And no one can afford the insurance it would cost if you were to let anyone actually get on it.

You, at insurance office: "Hi, I need to update my homeowner's insurance."
Insurance Agent: "Great, let me bring up my InstaQuote software, and we can run the numbers. What do you need an amendment to cover?"
You: "You won't believe it! I got a mechanical bull!"
Ins. Agent: "You mean, like an Urban Cowboy, ride-it-in-the-bar, faux rodeo mechanical bull?"
You: "Oh yeah! Awesome, huh?"
IA: "Uhhh . . . yeeah, neato. You may not like this, though, we call things like that 'elective dangers.' They can be kind of pricey."
You: "Whatever it takes, man. I've got some to spare. It's a mechanical bull."
Insurance dude: "OK, then. The base rate is $250 a month. Does it have any particular dangerous qualities?"
You: "Well, it's not made of razor blades, if that's what you mean [laughs]. It does have horns, though. Wouldn't be a bull without horns."
IA: "Horns? That's what we call an 'add-on risk'. With the horns, that's $400. Per month."
You: "Wow, that's kind of steep. I guess I'll have to charge. [smiles]"
IA: "Wait, you're going to have guests on the thing? That's another $250 on top."
You: "I was kidding about charging."
IA: "But guests?"
You: "Well it wouldn't be fun alone, so . . . yeah. It'll rock at parties."
IA: "I think you want to avoid parties."
You: "You've gotta be kidding, that's what it's for."
IA: "Can't have a party without drinking, right?"
You, hesitant, quietly: "suuure."
IA: "We're at $1000 a month now"
You: "Really?"
IA: "Yes."

No, no mechanical bull for you.

Lean Ground Beef 5 pounds

2009-02-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

These may be our favorite posting category: Unwanted, partially used perishables. Appetizing!

I bought one of those large rolls of lean ground beef at Cala Foods for around $12 a few days ago. I don't like this meat not really being a beef eater

I'm not big on meat, but thought I'd buy it in great quantity anyway.

but don't want to throw it away.

I'd hate to waste something I hate. And remember, it's only a few days old. Meat doesn't go bad, right?

I have a little less than half left.

You can still see where my fingers dug into the pile of meat and separated out the half I used. It's "lived in" - the gastronomic version of a dusty, foreclosed home, with children's toys fading in the sun in the overgrown backyard.

I also have the meat loaf I made with it I don't want either.

Make that "super-lived in." I'm not a very good cook. In fact, I can't bring myself to eat my own cooking. But you're welcome to my poorly prepared meal made with, by-now-days-old used meat. You do know how meatloaf is kneaded together, right? I don't think there's a molecule in here that doesn't have my fingerprints on it. Watch out for the occasional hair. Once you've eaten it, we'll be like family.

You can feed it to your dog perhaps?

If you're not interested in being like family. And hate your dog.

It was made with a little quaker oats and tomato sauce, (no salt or spices).

I told you I was a bad cook. Your dog likes tomato sauce, right?

-----

Have we really come to this?

Breakfast

2009-02-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

"Times are tough. I don't have much money to offer but I can cook you a nice English breakfast."

We've seen this free meal thing before. I am again struck by the astonishingly uncomfortable social situation this will inevitably create. "Yeah, I'm here for the breakfast. I've got to get home soon, though. Can I take it to go?" "Why in such a hurry, have a seat! Can I get you some coffee."

This poster is either profoundly lonely, or a kidnapper-to-be.

But kudos on taking a picture of breakfast, just to try to sell your charitable act that little bit better.

BBQ

2009-02-19T08:47:00.001-08:00

Here comes summertime! Gimme a dog!

Wait you're gonna cook it on that? I thought that was just a prop for your haunted house last Halloween. I'll just stick to beer.

Comfy Chair

2009-02-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

Dude! Am I melting? Or is it the wooooorrllld?

Four New Red Curtains

2009-02-17T11:51:00.000-08:00

The first draft of the subject line read: "Misshapen, Discolored Rags," but they figured they'd get no takers. Decided pure fiction was a better approach.

totaled 98 BMW M3

2009-02-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

"You come haul off, clear title."

Clear title? THANK GOD. I would hate to find out that there was something terribly, terribly wrong with this car, like flood damage or unusually high mileage. PHEW.

Chair

2009-02-12T12:48:00.001-08:00

"Please take the chair"

We would be doing you a favor wouldn't we? What will your next posts request? "Please take the chilly draft that comes in through the bedroom window." "Please take the crippling student loan debt." "Please take the emotional scars my mother left on my tender psyche as a child." "Please take the recently diagnosed terminal illness." Anything else we can take on for you? We all have our crosses to bear. Yours is apparently that chair. Nut up.

VHS 38 Standard Movies

2009-02-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

"38 movies, like Castaway, Star Wars, Storm Troopers, etc."

Because who doesn't want a stash of VHS movies? You still have a VHS player hooked up, right?

But that's the easy part. "Storm Troopers"? A "standard movie"?* A quick peek at IMDB.com indicates that there was a movie called "Storm Troopers U.S.A." made in 1969, but I've never heard of it, which militates against a conclusion that it's "standard."

So if you want some VHS movies, including incredibly obscure rarities, you should get in touch. There's valuable stuff on the Free Stuff section after all!

*what is a "standard movie" anyway?

note to VM debunkers: yes, yes, we know the poster is probably just mis-naming some part of the Star Wars franchise, or Starship Troopers. But that's not funny.